First BDSM Experience?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Psykhe, Aug 13, 2012.

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  1. Psykhe

    Psykhe New Member

    Hello everyone!
    I am a 29 year-old female who recently fully discovered her interest in bdsm - mainly in being submissive. I have kind of alwsays had some fantasies like that, but I thought that they would just stay in my head - just like you wish to be a rock start as a teenager :)
    But for some time now I have been fantasizing more and more; all the pictures I have seen on the Internet are super exciting for me.
    I made a registration in a bdsm site in my home town to learn more about the bdsm community and received many privite massages from male dominators. I feel like I don't want to rush into a bdsm experience so soon and declined invitions for skype communication and meetings (of course that could be dangerous!). So I have been called a poser several times now.
    So, my question is: How did you come to your first bdsm experience? How long had you known your first partner?
    I've been feeling pretty confused at the moment:confused:
    Thank you!
     
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    First off, read the Newcomer's FAQ in its entirety. It is wonderfully helpful.

    Second, the conventional wisdom in the BDSM dating community that I have seen, is that talking online for a few months is a good way to get to know somebody and see if they are right for you. After that has gone on for awhile, then it is generally safer to meet in person, usually at a neutral location first.

    For me, my wife and I had been married for 9 years before she became my sub, so it is completely different from the direction you and most other people in the community take. I'm sure Sebastian would have some wonderful insight for you if he chooses to weigh in here.

    Just remember, knowledge is power and the FAQ is a great place to start. You want to make sure a prospective dom is understanding of your desires and needs and respects the rules of Safe, Sane, Consensual. Good luck and keep us posted.
     
  3. Psykhe

    Psykhe New Member

    Thank you so much!
    I will read the FAQs carefully!
    I understand I sound like a high school virgin - eager to lose their virginity before graduation, but at the same afraid not to make a mistake :) but I was so overwhelmed by my fantasy world, I got a little stupid
    I would appreciate if other forum members share their experience with me
     
  4. Div

    Div New Member

    My story was that my girlfriend attempted to break up with me, effectively saying that things were "boring" for her sex wise. I've never been a super in your face "do what I say" kind of guy, but I am much more effective and happy when I am leading (in whatever aspect of life, not just sexual things). So, after having convinced her that her reasoning was flawed and that she should have just talked to me about what she actually wanted, we continued with our relationship. It was sort of a thing that I had to build up to. I started out with spanking and telling her what to do. She said i was good at it, which may or may not have been true, but i think it was important that i thought that to progress. I joined this site and asked some questions, and then just kind of winged it. It has been 2 years since then and I'm still just winging it, more or less.

    Of course, I don't know anything about what it's like to be a sub. I have very little interest in switching positions so I probably could never offer useful anecdotes there. One thing that I will say, though, is that there's so much trust involved, and I think that is extra true for subs. While the Dom has to be able to trust the sub to know their limits, I find it a lot easier to tell when when the line has been crossed than it would be to escape somebody who didnt earn that trust. Don't rush anything. Find somebody who is worthy and do some exploring with their guidance. I'm not sure to what degree you're putting yourself out there, but just make sure to represent yourself correctly. You might be getting called a poser if youre vague about where you're at bdsm wise. If anybody accuses you of being a poser after understanding where you're coming from, move on and don't give them a second thought. Because theyre scary.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Psykhe, welcome to the BDSM community. The number one rule is 'go at your own pace'. Don't let any dom push you into doing things you don't feel you're ready for. My general advice would be to make clear in your online profiles that you're very new to BDSM and want to start by chatting online.

    Maybe the way to help you is to show you how I do things, so you can see what a dom is thinking. When I meet a guy online, I chat with him through the dating site for a while, and if I think he's interesting, eventually I exchange Yahoo IM addresses with him (if he doesn't have it, I tell him to get it). Then we chat on YIM for a week or two. During that period, I'll ask to see a face pic if his profile doesn't include one--I want to know that there's a minimum spark. If he refuses, I'll give him a week or two and ask again. If he continues to refuse, I usually tell him that it's a sign he's not serious, and tell him to contact me when he's more serious. I don't require a full nude shot --I understand how easily something like that could hurt someone's career or reputation.

    If I still think there's some potential, I ask him for his phone number. If he says he's not ready for that yet, I tell him that I'm ok with that, but that I will be asking for it again in a week or two. If after two or three times round, he is still not comfortable giving me his number, I tell him that I'm willing to chat more, but that I'm going to start losing interest in him because I don't think anything will happen. YIM voice chat (or Skype) is a reasonable alternative, but eventually I'll ask for a number because there are drawbacks with YIM voice chat (the volume can be poor, for example).

    Assuming he does eventually trade numbers, I talk with him more, perhaps a couple of weeks. During all of this chatting, what I'm looking for is that he shows signs of being turned on by the things that turn me on. For example, I like guys who are enthusiastic (even if that enthusiasm involves resistance). Guys who are reserved and don't loosen up when the chat turns to sex I generally dismiss fairly soon. This is a personal thing--reserved guys make me feel like I'm not doing a good job pushing their erotic buttons. I look for common fetishes--guys who are big into immobilization and not into pain are a poor match for me, as are guys who can't handle verbal abuse. There's no point in my trying to explore with these guys, since it won't be satisfying to me. I also look for evidence that the sub is too desperate; I want my subs to have their life together more or less. I look for evidence that they are lying to me--dishonesty of any sort is a deal-breaker for me. I look for evidence that they're emotionally stable (a boy telling me he's desperate to be owned and asking me to collar him right a way is a warning sign). However, I respect that they are not my sub yet--I keep my demands fairly limited, don't demand personal information (like their last name, address, or the business that employs them), and generally try to operate within the limits they set.

    This process can go quite fast (a day or two), if the sub indicates he wants it to, or it can stretch out for a couple of months. Eventually, though, I will ask to meet in person, in a public place (I usually specify a well-known cafe near my apartment). If he refuses, I usually give him a few more weeks, but again, I warn him that he'll lose my interest if he doesn't meet relatively soon. I usually tell him that meeting doesn't guarantee playing. When we do meet, I demonstrate that I'm in charge--I usually wear my leather jacket and boots, I'll make eye contact fairly aggressively, sometimes I'll put my foot on his chair--but I usually just ask him questions about what he likes, what he might want to try, what his limits are, and so on.

    If I think we're a good match, I invite him back to my apartment to play, and I generally tell him that playing once doesn't mean we'll play a second time. During play, I respect all the limits he's set, although on rare occasions I've slipped out and unintentionally pushed a limit. If that happens and he objects, I apologize. I don't push pain too heavily, since I don't know his signals yet. I usually don't fuck on the first play date, unless the boy begs for it and I'm in the mood. I always give safe words, and I always respect them. If we click during play, I invite the boy back; otherwise I thank him but tell him that I don't think we're a strong enough match to play regularly.

    Not every quality dom is going to follow the same patterns I do. Some will be very aggressive early on and set hard rules that they expect their subs to abide by ("any sub of mine is going to get sparked, whether she likes it or not"). But every good dom I've dealt with finds ways to make clear that he will respect his sub's limits and will help the sub develop trust in him. Quality doms understand that the sub is taking some risks (the dom is too, but they're generally less physical risk), and that the dom needs to help the sub minimize those risks.

    I hope this gives you some ideas about how to explore and what to look for. I have more thoughts in the Newcomer's FAQ
     
  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I think you're wise to be cautious. Any so-called Dom who tries to pressure you too much should be ignored. Your safety is more important than being called a poser!

    For me I was only young, like 16 but I'd always had interests in things considered alternative I guess I just didn't have the name for it all at that age. The guy was a lot older than me and showed me everything pretty much, too much really, I had no idea what I was doing and how to verbalise when things got too intense. He turned out to be a not so great guy but it showed me what I did like during that time. We were together on/off for about 3 years.

    It helps to remember that fantasy and reality don't always marry up so be prepared for your desires/wants to evolve over time.

    I have been with my current partner 10 yrs but only introduced the kink in the last year or so. It hasn't been plain sailing and there has been a lot of give/take but it's worth the effort. It's hard for me even now to express my wants/needs sometimes so writing things down has helped me.

    Just be yourself, try to be honest about what you are looking for or are willing to explore with someone but don't be bullied. Think of it as a journey that doesn't necessarily have a destinations. Good luck and have fun.
     
  7. Psykhe

    Psykhe New Member

    Thank you!
    Of course I have stated clearly in my profile that I do not have any experience at all, only fantazies and I honestly tell to Doms who are looking for an experienced new slave that I cannot deal with that yet.
    I just think noone would be so patient like Sebastian to have internet communication for several weeks before a real meeting. Probably a problem is that I cannot really freely express and describe my wishes and desires about bdsm, because I am unexperienced and also kind of shy.
    I am thankful for your support, because the more agressive messages scared me and I was so happy when I started this experience, because I felt I've finally come to realize that my dream could be real some day. But I don't want to rush and turn them into nightmares.
     
  8. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

    I will share my story - but dont let it put you off :)
    I guess I was always 'kinky' although I never felt the need to lable it and none of the guys I have been with were complaining :D
    But I had been single for a while so decided to try online dating
    Met a guy, we talked online every day for months, phoned and texted, met up a couple of times and it seemed really good (there was a distance involved)
    He then said he was into BDSM, I llooked into it, said I had never tried any pain type things but was willing to give it a try and see if I liked it
    I didnt know at the time he had met someone else at this point, wasnt interested in me any more but needed proof of his kinkyness to get into his local parties

    So I went over for a weekend - which involved him trying every toy on me especially to get as deep bruises as he possibly could, when he wasnt beating the crap out of me he had things he needed to do outside so I was left on my own.
    To say the least I realised that no no way did I like pain!

    But anyways, confused and hurt I moved on
    Found I did have some things I was interested in out of it all
    Found a nice local guy and have been having a great time - I have learnt that I am deff a pain free switch. My times with him are so so much better - from the beginning we chatted for ages and ages about kinky stuff so he was able to taylor my first times to make them just right for both of us, then able to encourage me and help me to domme properly for my first times too

    I would say take your time - and if things seem in any way wrong back off - you are a female - and new to the scene - to be honest you are a rare thing and will be much in demand :D enjoy it, take your time and pick well
     
  9. Psykhe

    Psykhe New Member

    Thank you JettOnly!
    You said you chatted for ages with your partner about kinky staff :) I don't mind chatting, but do not feel getting "too personal" really soon, even on the Internet. Because there is a difference between "What turns you on?" and "I want to trun you on like this....Are you wet!?" :rolleyes:
    I am talking about people I have communicated for about a day or two...
     
  10. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Unfortunately, you will get a lot of that online. People are looking to get off, whether they be nilla or kinky. Men are men. Some guys aren't even really into bdsm, they will just say it to chat filth and try to bully you into it by telling you if you were a real submissive you'd be into it! Just ignore and move on...
     
  11. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

    Psykhe - totaly. The guy I am with just now was very respectful talking to me, it was more talking about more general fantasies and how kink stuff works - it was for him as well trying to find out if our ideas match up rather than just jumping right in to cyber sex type stuff
    I totally agree and too many guys really are wanting to jump right in with the dirty talk, this time we spent weeks talking about things like why he liked some types of clothes (like fur and leather) and stories and things we liked
    With a whole lot of real life stuff as well - and stuff we dont like as well
    It was kind of like having a mentor explaining his experiences in BDSM and helping me think tru some things

    I think most of us have had to suffer the 3rd question from a total stranger being 'what toys do you have?' and then demanding you use them while he instructs - or even better the 2nd mail being a naked photo of him in all his 'glory'

    Remember just cos they say they are something dosent mean they are not just a dirty old man unable to meet real people
    and even if they are nice dosent mean your kinks match up

    Be choosy
     
  12. Psykhe

    Psykhe New Member

    I probably sound stupid, but you have no idea how much your support and shared experience means to me! Since I haven't talked about BDSM with "real people" I didn't haveany idea how people from the scene usually comunicate.
    Thanks again and I'll keep you posted :)
     
  13. Roland

    Roland Member

    Everyone here is more than happy to help. We were all where you are at one time as well.
     
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I always say "everyone starts somewhere. There's no shame at being new at something."
     
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