Finding a third female for my master - Help!

BitchGirl · May 10, 2010

Thank you all. I think I am going to talk to him again. I guess being new to this situation, I didn't realize how big of steps I had already taken. From reading this, I feel confident enough to address my concerns because they aren't just coming out of left field.

Thank you all

I hope to update you soon with improvements

L8NightQ · May 10, 2010

Hi bg - I keep reading this thread, and reading again. You are getting good advice.... but some of the questions seem to be missing.

You are in a relationship with someone way older than you, someone who has been an adult 23 years longer than you. I'm not snubbing your relationship, but with your mention of the passion in your relationship and the holding after it would seem that you are looking for a meaningful relationship, and not just to be used, yet you're collared within days. Even for Doms that want to collar someone that quickly, (and most wouldn't) very few people would not allow that kind of commitment with a new person. Why did you?

I haven't heard anyone ask what collaring really means to you and to him. Maybe you don't see it the way we do. For some it just means that you will not indulge yourself with anyone else but him. In most cases, however, Sebastian had the definition of formal collaring. There can be four kinds of collaring.
A collar of consideration is used as a physical indication that you are being considered while you are in training, almost like a promise ring in high school.
A training collar means that you are exclusive to him and that you have already agreed on several aspects of how your relationship is going to manifest itself (inside/outside, sexual preferences, types of discipline and punishment, servitude and posture positions, etc....)
A formal collar means just what Sebastian said. Like you are a married couple, that serious.
The fourth kind of collar is the I let you tie me up, whip me, and fuck me collar. It can mean whatever the Dom or sub thinks it is supposed to mean. By that I mean you just make some stuff up between yourselves and wear a collar to show it. In other words, it can mean everything, or nothing.
What is it to you?

What have your past relationships been like? From what I am reading, you've been frustrated with the surface level relationships you've been having, but I'd like to hear it from you.

You say he collared you and then told you that soon you would need to bring in another to join you. You said that he was indulging your fantasy.
I've had other subs that have said the same thing, but they were usually a little more specific. Did your fantasy involve both of you using her?, or maybe him tying you down and having her do things to you?, or tying her down for you?, you watching the two of them?...... Which part makes you warm and slippery?, and what is he trying to make happen? Does he know what you really visualized when you told him about your fantasy?

I mean these questions only in the kindest sense and none of them are meant to invoke any criticism. I just wanted to get a better understanding of what is really happening here......

More later.

By the way - if you continue with this and he finds the girl, you will be much more insecure about it. He may just be looking for someone you feel comfortable with. None of it will work unless you like her. Most likely, anyone you would choose for him will be just fine for him, considering....
But that's way off course from what I'm asking.

Any threat to drop you if you don't find someone means "run away" in plain english.

Oh yea.... Welcome to the forum.

InnocentFacade · May 10, 2010

L8NightQ said:
Oh yea.... Welcome to the forum.

As you can see, we're a very opinionated bunch

BitchGirl · May 10, 2010

L8NightQ - I know you're looking for insight to help me. Thank you. I am not turned off by your questioning and I think they might shed more light on my situation.

First: I've always wanted to be in a relationship with an older man. It's a huge turn on for me. I realize he has been an adult much longer than I and probably knows a hell of a lot more than I do (not just speaking about BDSM, but about life in general). I do want a meaningful relationship as well. I was told before collaring, emotions and feelings would develop over time. We are not "zombies" and most likely, we will have a very strong emotional attachment. I've always wanted to know what he means by "emotional attachment" but have been too scared to ask. I don't want to get embarrassed because I do feel like a little girl at times and I feel these questions make me look my age.

I also do not know why I wanted to be collared so quickly. I was under the impression that these things happen somewhat fast. I was never told that it is comparable to a marriage. I was told that I would be with him for a very long time and I would be 100% committed. I guess that would fall under the "training collar" you defined. I had no problems with that.

I think that he's never had someone SO unexperienced so he doesn't quite know where to start with me. I've talked to one of his past subs and she was very happy with him. "He did everything by the book". But she had experience before her relationship with him.

None of my past relationships have been like this. I guess I would consider it typical college dating. The most "kinky" I had ever gotten with a past hookup is spanking.

What I have always visualized with another woman is both of them tying me down and having their way with me. I did tell him this. I also told him that I'm most turned on by the attention I'd be getting from them. He told me we'd have to compromise because he'd want another submissive to order around and he'd want to have sex with her too. He also doesn't think there will be much tying down. So it sounds more like a "regular" threesome to me more than anything. I'm not sure if this is much compromise, but I want to make him happy. That is my job, isn't it?

Thank you for the welcome

InnocentFacade - I love it that you all have opinions. Its actually making me feel safer. You know what you're doing. I don't Plain and simple. I'm ready and willing to learn from you all.

Precious · May 10, 2010

Okay now that I finished reading I can put in my two cents, because honestly like the others I'm worried.

Since everyone has already focused their attention on him, I want to focus attention on YOU, Because you sound very much like me when i was in a relationship, a very true honest against my will abusive relationship. Not a SM, loving relationship, one with a very hard cold boy who was an alcoholic and drug addict. Now, I'm not comparing your Master to him, I'm comparing you to me. Let's make sure we keep that part in mind.

You were collared very quickly, you were also threatened that if you kept pushing it he would drop you, and you were so afraid of losing him that you are willing to snub your emotional fears, willing to take this 'compromise', afraid to ask questions. I'm afraid that you are so scared of not finding someone, so scare of being alone in this new world that you found and afraid that no one will be there to fullfill you're fantasies that you are just going to take anyone regardless of the situation. If you and him are meant to be in this relationship then he will not leave you. In my opinion any master willing to release their sub, is not meant to have that sub. I am a VERY unruly, disobedient, flaky, careless sub and my Mistress is my best friend, she would never drop me just because I was not exactly how she wished.

I also wanted to mention, there is a difference between fantasy and reality. Although we all live closer to our fantasies then most others would dare you have to remember that there are SOME fantasies meant to STAY fantasy. Who here hasn't read a fiction where the guy(or girl) manipulates the unsuspecting vanilla, scares them and makes them their own who they then grow to love their new life. THAT kind of fantasy is not. meant. to. be. real. It is a very dangerous road to tread on and very bad for your mental health. You have this fantasy of being with another woman, but you are ALLOWED to be turned on by the thought of it but not want to pursue it. Hell, I LOVE the fantasy of my mistress taking me in a public area, people staring. Would I ever do it? No, because in reality I am not comfortable with it and she knows that. If he is not willing to wait for you to be comfortable, then you need to take major steps back.

Before I wrap up I was wondering if you don't mind me asking, do you live with him? and how did you guys meet? Either questions you do not have to answer, I'm just trying to get more of an idea of the situation.

InnocentFacade · May 11, 2010

BitchGirl said:
InnocentFacade - I love it that you all have opinions. Its actually making me feel safer. You know what you're doing. I don't Plain and simple. I'm ready and willing to learn from you all.

It means we care =) Trust me, if we didn't care, this thread would be empty.

Sado_Dom · May 11, 2010

BitchGirl said:
I'm not sure if this is much compromise, but I want to make him happy. That is my job, isn't it?

And in return he should make you happy too. You are happy in this relationship, aren't you?

L8NightQ · May 11, 2010

Thanks bg - that's what I wanted to know. I was concerned that the "collared" thing set off a lot of alarms, and you may now have known why. It was also helpful that you said you wanted to be collared.
I did not mean, in any way, that you being with an older guy was bad (trust me.... I would never say that...LOL). I just meant that if he were manipulative, you might never see it, cause you just hadn't been around enough.
The mention that he had another sub that you talked to, helps me (us) understand that he may not be the wannabee that seemed to be indicated before, although not explaining the collar thing to you still seems wierd (that's why I explained it the way I did).
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. Hope you understand now that we can only respond to what we read from you. We are from many different parts of the world, so much so that Seb and I would almost be considered neighbors.

Just do us all a favor and keep both eyes open on this one. There's a reason why this thread pushed a button with so many of us. I hope it works out.

I like your fantasy by the way, but your vision seemed to make you the center of attention. (You'd fit well with me and mine.)
Your discomfort with his suggestion does merit discussion since this is the way many threesomes morph into way big trouble. If they both focus on you, your golden and the threat is to him in that you might learn to like the way she does you. If he fucks her while they are using you it sends a different message. That's why I strongly advise really talking this one out. I have had the opportunity to do this with my sub, but I am very concerned about the after effects (even though I drool at the immediate). I've seen to many couples go south (vanilla ones also) after threesomes that were not managed properly.
One way to help the odds is to hire someone to play the role. They are much less likely to want to continue without payment.
If you search someone out online, you have a steep learning curve to deal with. If you go with someone you know, make it an acquaintance and not a friend. That way if it does go south, you haven't lost him and your friend.

Good luck.

sebastian · May 11, 2010

Bitchgirl, you've finally said a few things that give me some confidence in your dom. You've said that one of his past subs was happy with him. That says that he's not a maniac who just chews through subs. And you said that he did have a discussion about what collaring means. While most doms consider collaring a very serious ritual that culminates a relationship, that's not an absolutely universal rule. So it's possible that he simply has a different theory about the role of collaring than most. There is very little in d/s play that is truly universal. So it's beginning to sound to me like the two of you are just an awkward fit. Hopefully you two can figure out what the chaffing is about and work through it.

Also, please don't feel that you need to defend your dom. We don't know him at all; all we know is you, and we want you to have the best experience with d/s play possible.

BitchGirl · May 11, 2010

Precious - I do see your parallel. I was abused when I was younger and feelings of unworthiness did stem from the abuse. I am afraid I won't find anyone else that will accept me.

I also think that he's uncomfortable with my novice status. From my perspective, he wants to take things slow, so starting off with verbal training (saying that he will leave me) was his "smartest move". I don't actually think he will leave me. Although we just met, we care for each other. We talk, text, IM, etc. when we aren't with each other and plan, in excess, ways that we can bend our schedule to see each other. When we are with each other, we give one another all of our attention. No distractions. He listens to me. He makes me feel like no other man has before.

To answer your questions, I don't live with him. I'd love to though. And we met through a (distant) mutual friend. I don't even remember how we got on the subject of BDSM, but we talked for hours and he collared me that night.

Sado_Dom - He makes me feel all those cliche things people feel when they think they've found "the one". To sum it up, he makes me very happy.

L8NightQ- I am aware that from an outside perspective, this situation could look dangerous. He might be manipulating my novice status and I not know it. I tend to look for the good in people and trust WAY too easily. I'll do what you've asked and will keep both eyes open during this relationship. And thanks for the luck

and I'm glad you liked my fantasy. It made me feel a bit more normal reading that.

Sebastian - I'm glad that you've started to feel a bit better about my dom. I think half of it is not explaining it correctly. I tend to make the situation seem way worse on paper than it is in real life. Haha. One of my great quirks, I guess. And I really wasn't trying to defend him, but show that he is a good person. To most, that might be one in the same, but I think there is a difference and felt I needed to.

Finding a third female for my master - Help!

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