Finding a third female for my master - Help!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by BitchGirl, May 6, 2010.

  1. BitchGirl

    BitchGirl New Member

    Hello everyone. My master has already told me (by already, I mean he just collared me two days ago) that he will be expecting me to find another woman to come in and join us. I feel naive and unexperienced! I have no idea how to go about this. Can somebody give me advice? Anything?! I'd never ask a friend. What should I do?

    Thank you!
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    You might want to put out an add in the personals sections or use a dating site (like a fetish dating site)
  3. alt dot com is a good one I hear.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Bitchgirl, from your hello posting, you're brand new to being a sub. Your master collared you right away, and now he wants to add a third? In my opinion, he's going extremely fast. Collaring is normally a very big step--it's roughly the equivalent of a wedding. You're a novice-- he needs to be spending a lot of time on you helping train you and integrating you with his alpha sub. He should have done that before he collared you, in my opinion. The fact that he's immediately looking for a third tells me that he's not giving you the attention and training you need. I advise you to have a very long talk with him and for you to look carefully at the situation to make sure he's not just talking advantage of your enthusiasm and novice status. If he tells you that you have no right to question him, I would take that as a warning sign. On the other hand, if he's a responsible Dom, he'll listen to your concerns and slow down.
  5. I totally agree with Sebastian... Major red flags going on here...
  6. Amuk

    Amuk Member

    I third that. Sebastian is right, you really should have a talk. Don't put yourself into a potentially dangerous situation without first learning more.
  7. Fourth. Daddy and I have talked about potentially, waaaay down the road, adding another sub into the mix with whom he can indulge his . . . darker . . . pleasures (and between you and I, I'm not really down with the whole cleaning thing). Our relationship is still new(ish), but yours seems to have JUST happened. I would feel so hurt and sad that already me alone wasn't good enough for him; he couldn't even take the time to fully commit to me and help me find my way if I were a new sub (as you've implied you are).
  8. Amuk

    Amuk Member

    You bring up a good point maso_missive. The fact that you two just got in a relationship, BitchGirl and he's already having you look for a new sub is alarming on its own; however, it only makes it worse that you're inexperienced. You NEED to learn more about this before you jump in like this, and it's just plain imprudent if you don't.

    This may be a bad analogy, but bear with me here. Say he didn't ask you to look for a sub, but rather wanted you to buy him a gift of some sort. It could be anything, he just wants you to find something he likes. Now, he could tell you what he likes, and could even be quite specific, but the fact remains is that you don't know what he TRULY likes. The things we say we like are often not what they really are, and even if that's not the case, he may forget to mention something. So, you go find a gift that you think he likes, even though you don't really know him well. You decide to get him a tie. He likes silk ties. But he doesn't like the color blue for whatever reason. But you didn't know that, and that's the tie you chose. He probably would be disappointed in you, and you may be punished.

    As you can see, it can be quite ridiculous, even with that bad analogy. Considering that people are infinitely more complex than a tie, I think you can understand how easily things could go wrong. It should be HIS decision, not yours. Generally, in this type of relationship it is the Dom/Master that makes the decision for the sub/slave, not the other way around. Why he would be asking you to make a decision for him suggests that he may not be very experience, nor confident with being a Dom/Master.
  9. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    And I'll sixth it... Motion carried. If you want this relationship to last, I suggest sitting your master down and talking to him, tell him your feeling overwhelmed and while you dont mind the direction things are progressing (unless you do) you need time to adjust in between the steps. I'd also work on discussing and setting some limits, unless you don't want any, as these limits will help you grow into a more comfortable position in the relationship allowing you to see consciously and subconsciously, that your feelings are being taken into consideration.
    Not to sound overzealous, but this type of pattern is seen very often in doms who are new themselves, and your dom may in fact be doing one of two things... 1) testing you to see where the limits are and how fast they can progress, or 2) trying to overcome their own feelings of awkwardness by taking leaps instead of steps.
    Either way, communication will help with either of these, and will ensure that it builds into a HEALTHY long lasting relationship, with educated decisions made by both of you.

    Welcome to the forum.
  10. BitchGirl

    BitchGirl New Member

    Thank you all for this advice. I'd reply to you each, individually, but you all have said most of the same thing: you all are worried. Let me reassure you, he's not asking for her right now. He just wanted me to start researching ways to bring her in to the bedroom. And, after I asked, she would be a one time thing. Maybe two if he REALLY likes her. But I'm all he wants and he's made sure to tell me that. Bringing another female into the bedroom would just be to indulge one of my fantasies. It really wouldn't be for him.

    Also, in my opinion, he's not going fast enough for me. He's coddling me. I get spanked/flogged for maybe 5 minutes. Ten at the most if I'm lucky. He gives me a few orders here and there, but nothing I wouldn't do without him asking. I understand that I'm brand new to this and I most likely should not be complaining, but I want to go a BIT faster. He is experienced. I've talked to a previous sub of his. He's been doing it for at least five years. I've spoken to him and told him I'm ready to move on. He says that he's listening then takes me to the bedroom and has very passionate, "normal" sex with me and holds me until I fall asleep. I don't know if the age factor has something to do with it (he's 24 years my senior), but I'm ready. What do I do to show him this?
  11. Precious

    Precious Member

    BG, there is something I have learned from growing up, take things slow. The only reason for rush is when you're afraid it won't last. If he truly did collar you and you're in this for the long run, best way to show him you're ready is by letting it go slow and take each step as it comes; if you have this urge to jump head first into all this then you're most likely afraid you and him wont last long enough to get there in due course.
  12. BitchGirl

    BitchGirl New Member

    I think you make quite a valid point. I talked to him again about taking it a bit faster and he told he he'd release me if I kept jumping the gun. I think that made me realize that i want to take this a day at a time and go at the speed he thinks is appropriate. He's much more experienced than I am and I need to trust him more.

    He did tell me that he wants to bring the other woman into the bedroom in about a month and it kinda hurt my feelings. I feel like I'm not enough already. I know it is for my fantasy, but he kept talking about how excited he is to spice things up. I've been collared since Tuesday. Do we already need another person to make the experience better so soon? There isn't really a question here, I guess I'm just venting.
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    BG, remember that even experienced subs are allowed to set limits to what they do. So if you don't feel comfortable with playing with another sub, tell him that. It sounds like you're rather confused about your situation at the moment.

    Your master collared you very soon after you started with doing BDSM, and now he's threatening to release you if you aren't obedient even though he hasn't given you the training you need to accomplish that. On the surface, it's good that he wants to go slow, but his idea of going slow is waiting a month for a threesome? To me, his threat seems aimed more at simply intimidating you than training you. He collared (married) you way too early into your relationship and now he's theatening to release (divorce) you. To me, he seems like a Dom who doesn't really know what he's doing or isn't very concerned with your needs. He's using extreme methods when subtlety is called for: he's using a butcher's cleaver when he just needs a scapel to remove a mole.
  14. I'm new to this. I'm glad there is a pro like Sebastian around! I agree with him as well.
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Handcuff, thanks for the vote of confidence, but I've only being doing this stuff since December, so I'm very aware that I'm a novice. Sparrow is far more experienced than I am. But I've read a lot and I have a good grasp of basic psychology, which goes a very long way in BDSM. And I've seen one or two examples of how not to play in the social groups I've moved in.

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