Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Mistywillow, May 24, 2013.

  1. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

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    Hi all

    So Sir & I have been playing for a while in the bedroom & the confines of our own house, but we have both decided we want to explore a bit more by going to events & munches.

    We attended a informal rope event recently & everyone was very welcoming & friendly, but I found myself wondering how I refer to other Dom's/Master's & sub's/slaves. As this was an informal evening it didn't appear to be an issue, however, if we are in a more formal environment I wouldn't want to embarrass Sir or myself or offend in any way.

    Any advice would be appreciated :)
  2. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Hi mistywillow

    I can remember reading something about the etiquette for any sort of play parties in the newcomers FAQ but I can't remember the exact words anymore. So before I say something wrong, just check it out. I think it was Sebastian who posted it.

    Have fun together
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Misty: Yeah, there is a post in the Newcomer's FAQ about titles. There isn't an agreed-upon rule for it, but the basic guide if you're a sub is to refer to everyone politely, as Sir or Ma'a'm. Subs and others who don't wish those terms of address will probably correct you and indicate how they prefer to be addressed.
  4. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

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    Thanks sweet & sebastion I went back to the faq's & eventually found the section which I then realised I had read when I first joined, but had forgotten due to my brain working at 100mph hahaha.

    So even though I address my Dom as Sir, it is ok to address others as Sir in the first instance & they will correct me if it is inappropriate or they prefer another title? Or Ma'am if she is female?

    But as a sub do I need permission from Sir before I approach or speak to another? Should I wait for Sir to talk first? Or would this be something to be decided between us?
    Obviously, any physical contact or play would require permission & discussion on both sides.

    Also should I remain at Sir's side unless I am given permission not to? Or again is this down to our own agreement & rules? Although to be honest I'm quite nervous about things so probably wouldn't want to leave his side!

    Or am I just over thinking things? I tend to do this when something makes me nervous.

    Thanks :)
    Last edited: May 25, 2013
  5. sweetling91

    sweetling91 Member

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    Hi again,

    First of all it is normal to over think things when you're nervous and I would be too if I were in your shoes. I'm just going with instinct and common sense now, so anybody correct me if I'm wrong.

    First thing you do is to check out if the organizers have a list of rules you should follow because those rules come first. When you arrive and see others, you should ask them how they handle those situations but don't think too much about all the rules. Once you are there, you'll know how to react after a small time of observing the others.

    As far as the proper address for other doms goes, I think you're safe with addressing them as sir and ma'am as long as they don't correct you or the rules state otherwise. I personally think it's worse if you just say hi very cheerfully and then get a reprimand than to assume to call them sir/ma'am and then get corrected.

    About talking to others, I think it would be wise if you and your dom talk about how you both want to handle this. In general I would say that you should obviously talk to the person if he/she addresses you but I would wait for your doms permission before talking to others. It might be that your dom doesn't want you to talk to the other Dom or he might be interested in a comversation with that dom/me too. The important thing is your dom can choose to include you in the conversation or not. But it's better if you talk about those types of situations beforehand so you don't do something wrong in your doms eyes.

    I think you should stay at your doms side until he lets you roam free. Stay in your doms sight though, you never know what can happen. I would probably stay with my dom because I would be too scared/intimidated. Again, just talk with your Dom before going there, so you're both clear on what you can do and what you can't.

    I think it is safe if you just talk to another submissive when they are not involved in a scene or another conversation. If he/she can't talk for some reason or other then they will let you know about it through gestures.

    I hope I could help ^^
  6. Sally

    Sally Member

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    Good answer :) I learned a lot to. My Master is going to a meeting without me to night. It's a new group and i couldn't go because of finals. I think it's good that he knows the people before i meet them. It makes me feel safer, for then i know he has much more control than me.
  7. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

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    Thanks so much sweet for your reply it has helped no end. I'm just very nervous about embarrassing Sir & I would hate to be have to be reprimanded. I also want our first formal event to be an enjoyable experience without constantly worrying if I am doing something wrong. I will definately contact the organisers & ask about the 'rules' & then read them constantly until they are burned into my brain.

    As Sir & I are new to going to formal munches & play parties our discussions about etiquette has been limited as neither of us know what to expect or what is expected, but your advice is a good starting point. I would feel happier remaining by Sir's side even if he does allow me to roam, as I too will feel completely intimidated & scared, but I know Sir will keep me safe.

  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Your behavior in social situations with other kinksters is largely determined by two things, the rules your dom gives you and the level of protocol of the event.

    If your dom tells you not to talk to others, or to stay by his side, or to stay in one place until summoned, then you follow those instructions. So rather than asking us how to behave, ask your dom for some rules.

    Events can broadly be classified as low protocol or high protocol events. Low protocol events are casual get-togethers such as munches, leather conventions, classes in kinky skills, and so on. These are places where everyone knows that everyone else is kinky, but the rules are fairly relaxed. In a low protocol situation, doms, subs, many leather runs and other kinksters generally interact fairly freely and there are few rules about behavior beyond simple courtesy and common sense (for example, "since this munch meets at the local mall's food court, wear street clothes and not fetish gear"). There might be a few rules (don't do obviously kinky things at the food court), but no one is likely to get upset if you as a sub talk to a dom (and if you do violate an unobvious rule, you'll probably get very gentle correction).

    High protocol events are much less common. They are things like kinky dinner parties, formal play parties, formal leather ceremonies, and perhaps fetish balls. Such events often have specific rules of behavior ("subs remain silent unless spoken to; they keep their heads down and do not make eye contact unless ordered to", for example). In a high protocol event, the rules are part of the purpose of the event and ignoring them is being rude to other attendees--if you're unwilling to obey the ground rules, don't go to the event, and don't be surprised if you're spoken to for violating them.

    If your dom's rules are stricter than the event's rules, follow your dom's rules. If he tells you not to speak up at the munch unless spoken to, then don't speak unless spoken to. But if your dom's rules are in conflict with the event's rules, follow the event's rules and explain why you're not obeying your dom. At a low protocol event, the few rules there are often are for the safety, legality, and anonymity of the whole group. Don't wear obvious fetish gear to a munch, because you'll be calling attention to the whole group and some of the members will really not appreciate that. At a high protocol event, following the ground rules is the price of admission because the rules are the whole point of the event; violating them just detracts from everyone else's enjoyment of the event.

    Different social scenes have their own rules about dom/sub interaction. It used to be (in the 70 and 80s) that at some gay leather bars, subs were not supposed to talk to doms unless the dom indicated that he wished to be approached (by speaking to the sub or nodding to him or something). Doms were not supposed to talk to a collared sub (since that would be intruding on another dom's territory). But that scene is pretty much dead, and I highly doubt that you could find a bar that still followed those rules. If you're unsure what the rules are in a particular setting, ask an experienced sub to explain the rules to you.
  9. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

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    Thank you sebastion :)

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