Emotional Attachment?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by l0v3ly, Feb 18, 2012.

  1. l0v3ly

    l0v3ly New Member

    I was wondering if any of you more experience doms out there have any tips for preventing getting emotionally attatched to your sub or at least how to put any sort of attatchment to your sub behind you during play. I'm still fairly new to the scene, and that seems to be the biggest issue for me. It never stops me from wanting to play with my sub once we get started, but it just makes some things difficult until then or after.
     
  2. Anna2

    Anna2 Member

    Why would you not want to get attached to your sub? I can't really imagine being submissive to someone unless there was some kind of attachment there at least on some level. That doesn't mean you have to be out looking for marriage but not wanting to get attached at all seems like you might be limiting yourself.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Lovely, it depends on what you mean by 'attached'. Do you mean that you feel a sense of respect for your sub, and that makes it hard to spank her or do whatever else you want to do to her? Or do you mean that you don't want to risk falling in love with her, that you want to be able to just walk away after a one-session fling?
     
  4. l0v3ly

    l0v3ly New Member

    Anna well yes I understand that there has to be some sort of attatchment. I'm talking about something a little more intense than just the normal attatchment.

    Sebastian, it's a little bit of both. Definitely more the "don't want to risk falling in love with her, that you want to be able to just walk away after a one-session fling" though. Although I'm pretty sure I'm past that point. And we aren't just a one session fling...I've been her mistress on and off for about a year now, but the wanting to be able to just walk away thing is spot on.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    BDSM can be a powerful bonding force. For me, when a sub lowers his defenses and lets me in to see the genuine him, I find it very compelling. And when he lets me torture him, I want to take care of him. I think that many doms feel something similar, or variations on that. In fact, I tend to worry a little about the doms who DON'T bond with their subs at least a little. Holding the sub at arm's length while you torture them seems sort of wrong to me.
     
  6. l0v3ly

    l0v3ly New Member

    Right. I agree with you there. I must not be doing a good job in explaining what I mean. I'm not talking about having just a bond with my sub. I know that we need to get along and have a bond. I'm talking about keeping yourself from getting TOO attatched to your sub. I feel like unless you're actually dating outside of the sub/dom relationship (which my sub and I are not and cannot) it's not normal to let yourself, especially as the dom, fall for the other. Or maybe I'm wrong here but to me that doesn't seem normal or healthy for our d/s relationship either for that matter. I feel like it should just be "you are my sub. I am your dom. I treat you like a fuck toy, and then leave until next time." Or am I wrong?
     
  7. Kor

    Kor Member

    As I've said before, I view BDSM as a form of enhanced communication...
     
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Lovely, I think that's just a regular risk of any sort of sexual activity.
     
  9. Anna2

    Anna2 Member

    I guess the question is whether or not it's okay to have sex with someone you don't love or care about. This is definately a matter of opinion. I don't think it's very satisfying to have sex with someone you have no feelings for, but that's me. Not everyone feels that way.
     
  10. l0v3ly

    l0v3ly New Member

    So none of you doms are ever able to play with a sub without falling for them? That doesn't seem truthful to me.
     
  11. Knots

    Knots Member

    That's not what's been said...
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Lovely, I have played with many guys who I didn't fall in love with. But there is a level of bonding that happens most of the time. I've played with a few guys that I knew I wouldn't play with again because there wasn't enough spark, but even then, I often felt kind of sad and compassionate for them, because I knew they wanted more of me.
     
  13. gone xo

    gone xo New Member

    I'm afraid I don't have any advice for preventing atachment but I was hoping to ask a question that fell roughly into the same category. If you really love your sub and it's mutual. Is it bad to show it too often or reveal how much you really need this person in your life, sometimes I really think I shouldn't since It may be seen as a sign of submision and as a dom I figure a strong stance is expected of me.
     
  14. Tallest

    Tallest New Member

    To Gone_xo, It's not a bad thing at all to have attachment and love for your sub. You can be strong without being cold. Dom them, but tell them in the aftercare how much you care for them (You are aftercaring your sub, yes?). Small knows she's mine, but also that I love her, and she doesn't see me as being less of a dom for it.
     
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I would agree with Tallest here. A dom can be stern and loving ("this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you"), or can drop the harshness during aftercare
     

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