Domme self-control issues

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by chaoticist, Jun 23, 2011.

  1. chaoticist

    chaoticist New Member

    Hello all,

    I have a bit of an issue with different experience levels when it comes to sm play. I found someone 2-3 months ago (she's a sadist top; I'm a sadomasochistic switch) and we quickly developed a strong connection, both in bdsm interests and general vanilla outlook, personality and so on. We both share an interest in cutting & blood play, it's something I have tried before on a mild level, but she is a lot more experienced in it than I am. She has also admitted that it's pretty much a 'need' for her...kind of in the same way that pain is a need for a masochist, or control for a dom etc.

    Now...since I always had a fascination with this, part of me is feeling great that I finally found someone I really connect with, who shares this interest. I figured we could just start at my current limits, then slowly build up and expand them over time. She in principle agreed, however she immediately admitted that sometimes she finds it hard to fully control herself at the sight of blood, and she normally refuses to do those scenes with inexperienced people for just that reason. I.e. usually she wants to be absolutely sure whoever she plays with is fine with a certain minimum level of intensity in the scene, otherwise it is just too frustrating for her. The metaphor she used was imagine a guy is having sex with a woman, then part way through just as he is starting to feel an orgasm about to come along, she says stop and wants him to get off :p That's how she feels if someone wants to stop just after the first cut or two, which she says happens surprisingly often.

    So - on the one hand, she has been totally honest about her nature and tendencies. Also, it's hard to judge that kind of thing as the bottom, if someone is cutting your back for example, you can't see exactly what is happening. She does know my current limits and has a good idea of my tolerance for pushing them. In pretty much every other area of kink, we seem to match great.

    But...I am a little queasy at the thought of someone who might have some difficulty, no matter how mild, in holding back or backing off when needed. It's more difficult because I am really into her, I feel like my judgement might be a bit clouded by the desire to make this work - I've been doing bdsm activities for 15+ years now, and have not met someone who I 'click' with in the way I do with this woman. So I am really loathe to just back off and forget the whole thing, in fact I am pretty sure I can't just forget her and move on.

    I'd really appreciate some impartial advice on how to handle this. Is there a good way to compromise here in this situation? Or do you think I am just losing objectivity because of my feelings, and would be foolhardy to go further? I have asked around to find out her reputation in the local scene, general consensus is that she is pretty hardcore, but 'what you see is what you get', and there were no questions raised about her honesty. Ironically, my normal problem in sm relationships is that the women are not hardcore enough for part of me thinks if I really want to find something satisfying, I will just have to accept a certain level of risk as going with the territory. Any thoughts?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    The fact that she's aware of this as an issue and told you speaks well of her, but you're wise to be cautious with something like bloodplay. I think you should explore cautiously. Make it clear to her that your initial play may involve her getting frustrated as you learn to trust her. You need to know that you can handle what she likes doing, that she will stop if you safe word, and that she doesn't inflict serious injury. So the deal is that she has to accept that in the early sessions you're going to frustrate her somewhat, in exchange for which you promise to push yourself as you feel more trust in her. In other words, if she is patient with you early on, you will try to reward her with the kind of play she craves down the road. Does that make sense?

    Another option: could you have a third person there, perhaps a second dom, who can monitor the play?
  3. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    As always, I agree with Sebastian - doesn't everyone?! ;)

    Anyway, if you are already a bit worried about being pushed beyond your limits then I think you have kinda answered your own question. Like Sebastian said, maybe a 3rd party involved so that she doesn't take things too far or making it VERY VERY clear to her that you need a gradually buildup of intensity.

    I would suggest you don't let her tie you up in any way so you can stop her if she tries to go too far, also keep cutting to where you can see it, so she can't just plunge a blade in your back and say 'oops, sorry got carried away' while you bleed to death with a knife sticking out of you, for example. A bit extreme example I know but it could happen.

    If she likes you as much as you like her she'll be willing to compromise.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It might help to point out to her that if anything actually goes wrong, she'll be legally on the hook for assault, at a minimum. Legally, you as the sub cannot consent to being cut or receiving any other form of pain play (if you could, prosecution for domestic violence would be almost impossible). So if she goes too far, she's gonna wind up talking to a cop and probably a judge. So she needs your trust and consent to get what she wants without risking legal problems, and the way to get there is to slowly build up trust.
  5. chaoticist

    chaoticist New Member

    Hey, thanks for the replies. Well, we talked it over and met up this week. I set up a safe call, and things went good - she steadily went up to where I started to feel a bit uncomfortable, I let her know and reminded her about no lasting marks...there was quite a bit of blood so I was a little nervous about that. She reassured me the cuts were only shallow and wouldn't have any lasting damage, backed off for a while, then persuaded me to go a bit further, until eventually it got as much as I could handle - I had to use a safe word in the end. She stopped the action, tried (quite convincingly!) to persuade me to keep going, but when I held firm, she was fine - although she did exact a little alternative punishment, which was unexpected and a pretty hot way to end things ;) Next day she was fine, and said although she got a bit frustrated when I stopped, overall she enjoyed it.

    Checking 2 days later, the cut marks are already fading & healing up, so she seems to have known her stuff, and stuck to what we agreed. So overall, I'm very happy with how it went...should be interesting seeing how this will develop. Thanks once again for the advice, it really helped!
  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Glad to hear things went well. Always nice when things turn out more positive than we expect :)
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Clear communication goes a very long way. She sounds like she's willing to do the work to build your trust.
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I agree with Sebastian. And congratulations on it going so well, keep us posted.

Share This Page