dom boyfriend won't talk about bdsm

lovebitten · Jun 24, 2011

let me give you some background before i get to the problem.
my boyfriend and i have been dating for over a year now. we have talked about bdsm somewhat. when i say talk about it somewhat i mean the topic comes up in a roundabout way. i can't get him to talk about it straight forward. but we do do some bdsm activities in bed.
he is the dom and i the sub. even though sometimes we switch roles it doesn't happen that often.
on occasion it has comes to the point where he will do something, normally hold me down by the throat (the 1st time i was startled by the action and kinda panicked, but i have since gotten over most of the panic reflex), and when he is done he turns away from me and will not talk about it at all. only once maybe twice have i gotten him to talk. it appears that he fears he will/wants to harm me to the point of death. perhaps it's my folly to trust him, but i do.
today while reading the newcomers to bdsm faq i saw a link about bdsm and emailed it to him hoping he would read it. he won't. he even got mad. because it touched on what happened last night. this time it was biting instead of the throat hold. but it still applies that he will not talk about the bdsm action.

sorry if any of this sounds garbled. i tried to explain as best as i can.

anyone have any advice?

sebastian · Jun 24, 2011

Ok, so essentially your bf likes to bite and choke you, but won't talk to you or get your consent to what he wants to do, and gets upset when you try to actually talk to him. He's afraid that he might harm you, and thinks that not talking about it will somehow reduce the chances of it happening. And trying to talk to him about this gets him angry.

As I see it, you've got three options. 1) Keep doing what you're doing now, until he accidentally injures you, then dump him, assuming you survive.
2) Demand that he sit down with you and talk about what's going on. Threaten to break up if he doesn't take this seriously, because you're adults and BDSM isn't a game.
3) Break up with him. He sounds like an insecure asshole.

sillylittlepet · Jun 24, 2011

sebastian took the words right out of my mouth

Any dom who doesn't respect his sub enough for open communication is a terrible dom not worthy of your trust. The whole point of communication is to set up limits, boundaries, and safe words so that the players can keep the game SAFE. Its sounds like the way you play is not safe and its hard to tell if its consensual or not (do you like to be chocked and bitten?)

this is a HUGE problem, he needs to talk or you shouldn't engage in BDSM anymore

subarama30 · Jun 24, 2011

I agree with what's already been said.

He might feel uncomfortable talking about things but he needs to get over it, trying to pretend things haven't happened doesn't make them go away.

If you have no idea what might happen when you are with him you have no idea how far he might take things next time. Me and my partner partake in both biting and choking (though more firm hold than making me pass out!) but this is because I have told him I LIKE this.

I have been with a guy in the past who didn't talk things through or totally ignored my wants/likes/limits and it didn't end well. Trust me, you need to get him to open up, yes he might be a bit freaked or he could just be using this attitude to push things with you that he didn't dare with anyone else - you don't want to be someone's guinea pig. Again, been there before - not so much fun as I ended up raped. Not saying your bf is like that but just warning what a rocky road it can be.

lovebitten · Jun 24, 2011

i love the biting, and the choking i decided i like to a degree.

with the biting, that night he bit in several places (all bites i enjoyed) then he did the non talking hiding his face bit for a few mins (i was thinking the night was over) and then so very fast and sudden he bit me really hard. after a few seconds of shock i asked him a couple times to let go. either cause i asked so patiently or whatever, he did let go, turned over and turned out the light.

it was the last bite that made me decide to search out info on bdsm and advice.

i really don't want to go so far as breaking up with him. just about everything else in our relationship is pretty great and i love him. i know he loves me as well.

i'm kinda hoping there is some way i can get him to talk. i know he has issues, because he cuts himself and used to not talk about that at all. i got him to talk some what about that ...and the choking... so i'm hoping i can get him to talk about this (bdsm) too.

subarama30 · Jun 24, 2011

It seems to me like he has some shame attached to what he is doing to you - hence the hiding the face and that maybe he uses that time to work up to doing something to you again(?)

The fact that he bit you again, hard, AND it took some time for him to ease up on you is a bit of a warning sign to me. You REALLY need to talk about what you like in full and your limits, you need to talk safewords as in the bdsm world 'no' or 'let go', 'stop' etc don't always mean that you want that to happen.

It could just be that he is doing what he THINKS you want him to do as people often have pre-conceived ideas about what being a Dom means and some can think it equates to non-consent or simply just hurting the sub.

If you are sure you want to make the relationship to work you either stick to a vanilla relationship or if you really need the kinky stuff then you need to talk to him. I've learnt that lesson with my current partner, in switching from vanilla to D/s.

Also just wanted to add that even before I talked in any depth to my partner about bdsm he was already doing biting, holding down, the odd hand around throat that I had slowly been encouraging him to do but I still classed our relationship as vanilla whereas some people would have said we were already in a type of D/s relationship.

My point, everyone has different perspectives of what is 'normal' for them and for me the fact that I was never restrained and there was no real force behind what my bf was doing meant I didn't see it as anything but slightly rough vanilla sex. For me, there has to be a clear distinction made. Someone who likes the odd spank on the butt during sex doesn't necessarily make them a sub...if any of that makes sense? I'm sure Sebastion or one of the others would have put it better than me.

lovebitten · Jun 24, 2011

that night was the 1st time he did anything "again" and therefore was part of the shock.

i already knew that i was going to need safewords and limits (i've read fictional novels were the story/series involves quite a bit of bdsm).

this is his first real relationship. the longest one for me. right before i met him he was involved in an odd relationship (not a regular 3 way or love triangle) with his best friend's girlfriend/fiancee.

i do intend to get him to talk.

sebastian · Jun 24, 2011

I was a little cranky when I posted last night. I still agree with everything I wrote, but I feel inclined to say a little more in a slightly more touchy-feely vein.

Your bf clearly feels either ashamed or embarrassed about what he enjoys. That's why he becomes withdrawn and gets upset when you try to discuss it (assuming that he's not just an uncommunicative jerk, which seems unlikely since you think the rest of the relationship is working well). On some level he feels that he shouldn't be doing these things. There are a few reasons he might feel this way: 1) His parents/school/church taught him that sex is bad, dirty, and distasteful, and he thinks he shouldn't enjoy it at all. 2) He's absorbed the idea that men should treat women respectfully and as equals, and he feels that when he bites and chokes you, he's degrading you, and that makes him feel bad. 3) He feels conflicted about enjoying inflicting pain and expressing dominance. He thinks these feelings make him a horrible person. Regardless of which one (or ones) it is, he's afraid that talking about what he likes will involve him acknowledging that he's a terrible person. So he avoids the subject and just hopes that he can keep doing what he enjoys too much to stop.

You like it and he likes it, so what's the problem? There are two problems. First, if you can't communicate with him about this, there's no way for you to tell him when he decides to explore something you don't like. You're ok with the biting and choking, but maybe you won't be ok with the anal sex he decides to do tomorrow night (for example). If you can't tell him to stop and that you're not enjoying it, he going to anally violate you, under the false impression that you like that too. And if you do tell him to stop and he does, he's gonna feel like a piece of shit for almost raping you. So if he decides to explore something you don't like, either you're gonna feel horrible or he's gonna feel horrible, and your relationship is gonna hit a huge iceberg.

The second problem is even worse. If you're doing choking, you're doing breath play. And if you read the FAQ, you'll see that breath play is extremely dangerous. Every time he chokes you, you're risking a fatal heart attack. Without a safe word or safe gesture, you have no way to stop him choking you, because he'll assume that your struggles are part of the game you enjoy. And if he's like most BDSMers, he'll eventually decide that he wants to take the game a little further. He'll decide to see how close to you passing out he can get. Eventually, he's gonna injure you or even kill you.

So talking to him openly is critical. If you don't, eventually either your relationship will sink, or he'll manage to actually injure you (or both). So you need to find a way to get him talk about this. I suggest threatening to break up with him, because hopefully he'll treat that seriously enough that he'll start talking. But maybe not. Perhaps it will help to start by telling him he's not a bad person for liking this stuff.

lovebitten · Jun 24, 2011

i don't think it's #1, he jokes with his parents and his mom's boyfriend kinda openly about sexual topics. and i doubt he has ever been to church. 2 and 3 sound more likely. he's all about being a gentleman. holding open doors and everything.

for some reason it's been a lot easier to talk about anal. he knows i need to be in the right mind set for anal toys or his fingers. he really does listen to me when i give the "go ahead" or "no". and he listens when i tell him i don't want his cock there.

i did read the faq on breath play. it scared me! and made me realize just how much i need him to talk!

i'm trying to figure out HOW to tell him that he isn't bad for liking what he does and that i enjoy some of it even. i really don't think threatening to break up will work, and it would just hurt us both.

sebastian · Jun 24, 2011

Ok, so he's a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend struggling to make sense of his desire to hurt and dominate you. He's scared that these urges mean he's really a bad person, and he worries that if he talks about them, you'll realize he's an asshole. So when you try to talk to him about this, it's got to be clear right away that liking BDSM doesn't make him an asshole, or a wife-beater, or whatever.

One way you might start talking about things is to talk about a safe word. "Honey, I love it when you bite me, but some times it's a little too hard. So if I say 'yellow' that means it's getting uncomfortable, and if I say 'red' it means I need you to stop." Approaching it this way reminds him you enjoy what he's doing, and it engages his desire to be a gentleman by not doing anything you don't want.

And if he can talk about a safe word, then you can say "Honey, this means that when I tell you to stop biting me, that's part of the game and you know I'm loving it, because I'm not saying red." This might allow you to get him to talk about the role-playing side of it. He'll start to realize that he can talk about the fantasy of 'raping you' without it being something real, because you want to pretend that he's doing something you don't want. This might help him distinguish between being an asshole for real and being an asshole for play.

dom boyfriend won't talk about bdsm

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