Dom and sub new to forum, few questions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by BrionLyaila, Jun 21, 2012.

  1. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    My boyfriend and I are new to the forum, we're looking to enhance our BDSM relationship. I want to tell you our history in sex and BDSM first.

    We have been together for nearly seven months.

    Before him I had a partner who wanted to full out dominate me, but he scared me a little bit outside of the bedroom, so I only let him choke me.

    I asked my current boyfriend to choke me the first night we were together, I really enjoy it. For a while that was all that we did. As we got more comfortable together and shared our fantasies with one another our BDSM got more intense basically over night. We went to a sex shop to buy condoms (the only place around here to find the right size) I ended up convincing him to buy some of the sex tape. We went home and he tied me up and got a little rough on my nipples, I loved every minute of it. He took to it a lot more slowly, he was constantly worried about hurting me.

    Now he ties me up, pinches my nipples really hard,slaps me, and abuses my pussy. He gets more into it if we're watching BDSM porn. But I feel like we could get more intense and just don't really know how, I want him to verbally dominate me as well. But, he is awkward with dirty talk. I also want him to abuse me more and we want to learn how to actually do bondage (right now he just ties my wrist together and to the bed).

    Basically we're looking for suggestions for the next level in our dom/sub relationship and any suggestions on making it better. Him talking to me and staying in character is one of the biggest things.
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    To start, it would be great if you could read the newcomer's FAQ and browsed the forum before posting- it would probably give you some ideas and addresses a lot of what you've talked about.

    Moving on, do you mean choke, or pin you by the neck? Carotid or airway choking is incredibly dangerous, not just from the immediate concern of being choked to death, but it puts you at risk for heart attacks later on. Even most people who are very into breath play generally cover the nose and mouth rather than screw with the neck. That has it's own choking risks, and isn't as fun as being pinned at the neck, but puts you at a slightly smaller risk for heart attacks. The point of mentioning that method is mostly to say that even serious breath play fetishes won't do that.
    tl;dr Don't expect to use the word 'choking' and avoid this lecture on any BDSM sites. If you mean neck-pinned or something, find a better phrasing, or say 'choking (with little to no blood or air restriction)'

    If anyone's posted while you're talking, and especially if it's sebastian, you're going to get that lecture over again. But it is risky, risky play, and you basically said 'I only let him do one of the few BDSM activities that could kill me.'

    Regarding what to do more, we can't tell you what you'll like.

    Bondage is mainly a matter of practice, and doing it outside of sex. Set a time where he can tie you in different ways without you struggling or anything, so you both can figure out what feels and looks good, not to mention what's useful

    You can just ask him to keep at it, show that you like dirty talk, and encourage him, for that element. Tell him some phrases that excite you, and let him run with them and modify them. Again, there is a section on verbal humiliation somewhere in the newcomer's FAQ.

    Otherwise, you cold try any number of things. I can't go off nothing, but if you peruse the forums you might find some starting points for us to expand. There's roleplay, but that is so multifaceted, you have to know what your fantasies are. Likewise, there are different ways of serving him, from actively serving him to just waiting for a command to pushing back and making him force you.

    And of course, as everyone will say, the best and only way to make these things happen is for you two to talk openly about your fantasies, the experiences you have, and what you want.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    The best subs anticipate a dom's needs and, where possible, meets those needs before they arise. In this case, Smallest has demonstrated that she's an excellent sub (albeit not my sub), because she managed to say damn near everything I would have said. Actual choking is a good way to wind up a statistic on a police blotter. It's estimated that 1000 people die each year from various forms of breath play. It cannot be done safely. Every time you do it, you have a chance of winding up in the hospital or morgue. My advice would be to stop doing it at all, but if you choose to take those risks, that's your right; just make sure your will and funeral plans are in order.

    And if you take a look at the Newcomer's FAQ, there is a section about verbal play and suggestions on how to do it. Like all skills, it takes practice. Some people do it more easily than others, but if he thinks about it and practices it, he can learn it.
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  4. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    It seems like it would be legitimate choking, if I'm tied up on my back I suppose it would be pinning by the neck; however, he does it while I'm on top too and I enjoy the feeling of loosing blood flow to my head for a few seconds, especially near my climax. Is that what you are saying is too dangerous?

    Where would this FAQ be? I would like to be able to read through it, when I went to it at the top of the main page it just had a search bar and not an entire article.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yes, that is amazingly dangerous; it increases your risk of a heart attack. A few seconds is less dangerous than choking to unconsciousness, but any choking at all raises your risk. There's a post in the FAQ about it.

    Smallest recently changed the title of the Newcomer's FAQ. The title now reads "Read before posting: FAQ and frequent topics". It's at the top of the first page of the General BDSM discussion forum.
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  6. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Medically, choking at climax enhances the feeling. In the late 90's, there were a rash of deaths in teens around my area from hanging, attempting the idea. But, that was breath play. The loss of blood flow to your head is a result of vein and/or artery constriction. This, however, involves pressure at a different area of the neck. This is more dangerous than breath play, in my opinion, because loss of consciousness results in as little as 5-10 seconds, death or serious injury under a minute, if I recall my training correctly.
  7. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    I can usually breath a little bit. The choking is just enough to make my orgasm more intense, but I can still get a little bit of air in. Would that still be dangerous?

    I took the time to read the Newbie forum. I posted a general question in there too. Sebastian, you are just a wealth of knowledge.

    My biggest question is still bondage. We have tried to look online at different knots but did not find anything concrete. What places could we look for reputable bondage information?
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm not a medical expert. What I know about the dangers of breath play is garnered from Jay Wiseman's writings on the subject: google "Jay Wiseman breath control" and you should be able to find his various articles. My impression is that being able to breathe a little is less risky than not being able to breathe, but it's still risky.

    And yes, Edji, you're right. Pressing on the carotid rather than the windpipe is more risky, not less. It brings in the danger of a stroke.

    As far as guidance on knots, Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook is my favorite. I've heard that Two Knotty Boys are also quite good.
  9. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I like 'simulated' choking in that he never actually squeezes just applies firm pressure so that I never get that out of breathe or head rush feeling like I might pass out. He wouldn't be comfortable doing more and since we have kids I want to see grow up, neither would I.

    As for bondage, rope bondage takes a lot more practise and skill to perfect and you have to be careful about doing it right so not to cause restriction of blood flow but the same can be said of make shift things and handcuffs. I'm not really into it ropes myself so can't really suggest books to read but the internet is a wealth of info, though you will probably have to weed through a load of junk to get what you are looking for. I think finding someone who can teach you would be good idea.

    As for getting your man to stay in character and talking...that can be tricky. Confidence is a big thing here but also natural flair for it. Some people just can't do it or do it well. I suck at talking dirty so I don't bother. Giving him some pointers of the sort of thing you would like to hear would help him loads but be prepared for it to take time for him to get used to it. My man is no good at staying in a character so it helps to just make it an extension of HIM rather than him thinking he is playing the role of someone else, this is easier to do and feels less awkward if your new to being a Dom.
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  10. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    Well, last night I set up an awesome scene and it was the best play session we had ever had. So happy.

    Talking to him today and sharing what I have learned from this site and the FAQ's with him, he wants to move forward but by having it introduced to him slowly (maybe he was NVB)

    The only problem is I am not sure what to introduce to him next. What would come next on the level of intense.

    Here's a kind of summary of what we do:

    Pain play: It hurts but does not bring me to tears, that's a point I don't want to cross. He does pain play on my nipples, face, clit, and vagina. He's unsure of how/where else to pain play but I want more of my body incorporated to come degree

    Bondage: He binds my hands and feet to the bed and sometimes uses a blindfold. Not sure where else to go from here, what would be the next level in bondage?

    Humiliation: He verbally humiliates me, it's something he's awkward on so we're working on intensifying it. What other forms of humiliation are there besides piss/scat play which we're not interested in. Pup play? What exactly is that?

    Control: He controls the scene, controls when I cum what we do, I must address him as master and always look at him when I speak and only speak when spoken to. Any suggestions on a level higher for this?

    Thanks guys for helping a new sub out, I know a lot of this is probably imagination. But since I'm trying to slowly introduce it to my master, I don't know where to begin.
  11. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    No one can tell you what you like so its probably best to start with what idea turns you on first. Remembering that sometimes what seems hot in our minds can be totally awful when it's actually done to you!

    Pain - he can basically hurt you anywhere on your body, doesn't have to be an erogenous zone. Butt, back, arms, legs, but you have to take it slowly so you know what you can tolerate and what he is comfortable doing to you. He can use things on you or just his hands/teeth.

    Bondage wise, you don't have to be on the bed or tied to it. He can bind your hands or feet in some way, either makeshift or using bought restraints. I have a collar that has a wrist restraint attached so he can bind my hands in front or behind my back. He can make you get on your knees and give him a blow job or crawl around on your knees to do things, it's up to you, just make sure that whatever is attached to your neck isn't too tight and can be released quickly as when you move your hands you will put pressure on your own neck! There are spreader bars that you can get for your ankles, you are still bound in one way but have full use of your top half. There is plenty you can do, it's what appeal most to you.

    Humiliation -I don't like this myself but again, this is a wide spectrum. Some people like being called 'slut', 'whore' type things others like to be told how worthless they are and made to do demeaning things. How far do you want to go with it? Being made to eat out of a dog bowl? Simply doing chores naked while he ridicules you and punishes you for not doing it correctly? Humiliation means different things to different people, what would be mortifying to me might not bother you at all.

    Control - how much are you willing to give up? You can take it all the way to controlling when and what you eat, when you use the bathroom, what you wear, those sorts of things. Or do you only want him to control you in the bedroom?

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  12. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Pup play is where one or both of you roleplay as puppies. It can be the form of trainer/master and puppy, or less often, alpha and omega. It can be humiliation, or humiliation can be incorporated, but most people who do it just see it as another kind of BDSM and lifestyle, and often enlightening or empowering to act that way. For pups eating out of a bowl is often just considered the right thing to do, for being a sub and their roleplay, but for some pups it's humiliating.

    I'm not a pup by any means, but that's a brief summary.

    I am going to answer your "real" questions, but I shouldn't be on the computer when my Sir gets here (soon).
  13. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    Control for now is just going to be in the bedroom, although I did toss the idea of him controlling me for a whole day around. He got this shit eating grin and said "that'd be a nice change" he said he would probably really enjoy it, I think in the next few days we're going to do that.

    I'm not really sure what more control he could have in the bedroom. Any one have experiences they would not mind sharing. This is just all really a new mindset for both of us, so I draw blanks when I try to come up with things.
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  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    In my post in the Newcomer's FAQ on the 4 spheres of BDSM, I lay out a whole range of things, so try reading through that post for ideas. I don't really think of them as hierarchies so much as clusters. If you like verbal humiliation, try forced nudity or bootlicking or him writing on you. If you like bondage, try blindfolds. If you like control, try regular protocols, voice training, and so on.
  15. BrionLyaila

    BrionLyaila New Member

    What's regular protocols and voice training?

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