Divorce :(

Discussion in 'Section open for any subject to discuss' started by handcuff_freak, Oct 11, 2010.

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    I was told on tuesday that my wife filed for divorce. She told me and it was a total shock. I never saw it coming. We weren't doing as good as we could, but nowhere near divorce I thought.

    I was shocked. It feels as if I'm being thrown away as she wants to take our 8month old baby to another state. Going to move in with her mom.

    She says her feelings towards me have changed. She has been feeling this way a few months, but I didn't see it. She never said anything to me either, which is odd. We are very open about everything. I don't really believe that is the true reason why. I haven't talked to her much since tuesday. I took some time to think it all out before sitting down to talk.

    She told me that divorce takes 3months if I don't fight anything. I plan to fight it. She wants sole custody, but I can't have that. I love our daughter too much to not see her grow up or be there when she needs me.

    I have no experience in getting a divorce. I also don't have many places to turn for information either. I am looking for a lawyer tomorrow. anyone got any advice for me?
  2. fdxjettech

    fdxjettech New Member

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    I dont know what your means are financially, but...

    A cheap lawyer will cost you way more than you will save in legal bills.

    Get mentally prepared to be broke for the next few years. You are about to have a game run on you that has been perfected by the legal system to push you to the edge of bankruptcy no matter the outcome. And they will. The very first thing both attorneys are gonna have you do is accumulate ALL your financial information. Then they know exactly how far they can take you before you break.

    DO NOT GIVE HER SOUL CUSTODY......NEVER NEVER NEVER This is the only thing worth spending every dime on. Fuck the house, Fuck the car, fuck your great granddaddies watch. Make sure your time with the is guaranteed in the permanent parenting plan.

    I feel for ya, but Ive been there.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Handcuff, I'm really sorry to hear it. I was pretty devastated when my husband left me, so I can empathize. Definitely contest it. Keep talking to her and see if you can find out why she feels like she has to leave. As the process plays out, she may start to re-assess the situation. And as Fd said, under most circumstances, you want joint custody and probably joint placement. Know the difference between placement and custody. Placement is where the child physically lives (she lives with you, or your wife, or splits time between the two). Custody is who has the power to make major decisions about your daughter (such as what sort of school she goes to or who has final say on any medical treatment she might need).

    Even if your wife doesn't reconcile, resist the temptation to get nasty. That will spoil your positive memories of her and it will make custody and parenting decisions much harder. Just politely insist on your rights and let your lawyer do the negotiating. Even if that's really hard right now, it will pay off down the road when the hurt and anger has faded a little. Your daughter will benefit if you two can discuss things amicably. And as an adult, she will thank you for not slagging her mother.

    Your wife might try to use your d/s activities in the custody dispute, arguing that you're unfit because of what you like to do sexually. Hopefully it won't come to that, but prepare for it just in case, and make sure you have a response if such allegations do come up. Make sure your lawyer knows about this as well so s/he's not caught off-guard if it comes up. Do not hide things from your lawyer; if you do and those things come out, your lawyer may have a very hard time advocating for you effectively.

    One other minor point: Under no circumstances lie on any official document. A friend of mine was tricked by his ex into lying on an affidavit (long and complex story, and my friend really ought to have known better). Once he signed it, his ex revealed in court that he had lied on an official statement, and as a result, the judge awarded his ex full placement and custody.

    I hope you two can work things out. But if you can't, trust that you can get through this. Divorce is awful, but it's not the end of the world.
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Wow, Handcuff I am really sorry to hear this. I've never been married so I cant even imagine what it must feel like to be going through this

    I'm going to back up the previous posts, especially what sebastian said about getting mean. My grandparents had a terrible divorce and its ruined every major event in my mother's life (ie, times when both of them were together) because they don't know how to get along with each other

    I sincerely hope that the judge awards you both joint custody and placement. You seem like a good guy, and definitely not someone who should be separated from his child

    Super sorry to hear this, good luck with all of it
  5. fdxjettech

    fdxjettech New Member

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    I didnt mean for my post to sound all doom and gloom, but I dont know many people who can pull off a peaceful divorce. You may get lucky as she wants it. but only if you give her her way on everything. Im not sure if thats what you want to do. I know from experience though its the worst year of your life, because once it starts, your no longer in control, the lawyers are.....

    Im not trying to scare you, I'm trying to prepare you so you can get your mind right.

    Good luck to you

    If you have any specific questions, shoot me a PM
  6. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    Aw dude I'm so sorry :(
  7. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

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    I also am sorry to hear of this Handcuff.

    The only advise I can offer is....if you truely love your daughter, fight to be a part of her life.

    I grew up an only child with a single mom. No father. The only thing I ever wanted was a dad. To be a daddy's girl. To have him read me stories in bed, dance with, teach me about his hobbies...fishing, cars, hunting, sports...whatever his intrests were.

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    Fd: she went cheap on the lawyer. So I got that on my side. I thought it was his apartment, but it was an office. Also the amount of typos on the papers was just ridiculous. I do plan on being broke. I practically am anyway.

    Seb: all she will say is that her feelings have changed for me. That she was trying to make it work, but it didn't. She also has been hanging out with a friend from work. I know her and don't think she would cheat, but she stayed the night a few times because she was drinking. I'm sure if she fights for sole custody I can bring that up. I don't want to take her away from her mom either. I just want her to grow up with both of us.

    As hard as it is to keep my sanity with this I have been trying to be nice to her. I know she is trying with me too, but it doesn't feel that way most times.

    I know not to lie on any official document. I also know how sneaky documents can be. I am very careful before I sign anything.

    SLP: I try to be as good as I can. I have given up a few hobbies when she was born without complaint. I've spent all my time and energy on my wife and lil girl. I did everything I could to make them both feel as loved as they are. I am going to fight to be in her life because my lil girl is my life now.

    Ceilidh: I am going to fight it. I didn't get into this wanting a way out. I don't care what it takes I will be there for her.


    My mom has told me I could stay with her (lil bro and lil sis live there too) so I can stay there, but I have decided to try and stay with my wife. Help out with bills and be with our daughter more often. it doesn't feel like home anymore. Its creepy how much I feel out of place in the home I have lived in for years. I don't like it at all. Where there was lots of talking between us there is now just awkward silence. I took a week off work to get my head together, but I still cry every time I see my lil girl. Thinking about not seeing her grow up would kill me. I have so many emotions going through me I don't know where to start.

    I haven't been sleeping good at all either. I been going on 3hrs a night for awhile now. I also haven't been eating much. My depression pill was working fine, but it can't take this pain away. I usually cry myself to sleep and wake up a few hours later wide awake with thoughts.

    I never thought I would feel this. How the person you trust the most wants to throw you away and take our daughter away. I doubt I will ever get over this. I trusted her with my biggest secrets. Only she knows about my sexual fantasies. She is the only soul I have ever told about my diaper fetish. We were so close. Now I don't trust her at all. Its hard for me to give trust like that. She ruined me for anyone else.

    Sorry for rambling, but nobody is awake that I can talk to right now.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Cuffy: I understand a lot of what you're going through. My husband of 8 years, whom I loved with all my heart, left me three years ago. I was totally devastated. I couldn't understand how he could just decide to throw away everything we had. It felt so amazingly disloyal, as if all the good stuff we had in that period had no value whatsoever. There was a period when I would wake up after sleeping as late as I could, look at the clock and think, "16 hours before I can go to sleep again." If I had been even a mild drinker at that point, I think I would have become a total alcoholic just to numb the pain.

    But I promise you, it gets better. Eventually you will be able to imagine that a life without your wife can have some measure of real happiness for you. You'll start to feel more normal. I still think about my ex every day, but it no longer feels like someone's sawing off a limb when I do so. Slowly, I'm getting to a place where I can think about him without feeling sad, although moments of real sadness still hit me.

    Start exercising regularly. It is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself right now. It will help your body get back into a regular set of cycles. It will help you feel a little better about yourself physically. It will help your future romantic prospects. Most importantly, it will help fight the depression you're struggling. The endorphins released during exercise will help combat the biochemical elements of your depression.
  10. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Cuffy: I'm sorry. Please fight hard to stay in your daughter's life. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4, and not having my dad in my life really affected me. Even now it's hard to connect with him (it's not like he was a horrible person he was just never there) and I get sad every now and then when I think of what it must be like to have a dad. It's a foreign concept to me, I don't get it.
    *hugs* And definitely exercise, it will help.
  11. jackpres

    jackpres New Member

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    sorry to hear about that man. i have an 8 month old son and i dont know what i would do if my partner took him away from me. like others have said with lawyers you get what you pay for so go with good recomendations and fight it to the end.

    best of luck
  12. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    you have a message from me

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    I don't have much access to a computer right now, so I haven't been able to get on to talk much. I do wish to talk more though. I don't need to hold this kind of stuff in.

    I have decided to not fight and keep my daughter here. Hardest decision of my life, but also the most unselfish one. Everything has been going as well as it could I guess. I am still looking for a job with no luck, but I have been going out for a 2-3hr walk at least 3 times a week.

    It can't hurt to have people to talk to and right now I am running out of friends due to this divorce. I don't have access to a computer, but if anyone wants to talk feel free to email me at handcuff_freak at yahoo. That goes directly to my blackberry.

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    You are such a sweet guy, Cuffy. I can't imagine the heartlessness of someone to take away a child.

    I hope you have a dog. Dogs are lovers.

    Best of luck
  15. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    sorry man, i know what your going through. As someone who has gone through a divorce, hers some quick tips. and some info.

    first, you have to live separated before they will grant the divorce, and that is 6 months before you'll even see a courtroom. that means not living together, however it doesnt mean she can move to another state and deprive you of your child. doing so while still in the process is considered kidnapping.
    second, if your an able parent, she wont get sole custody if you contest it, at best she'll get joint and you'll end up splitting the year.
    third, be very careful, im not sure where you live, but you need to compile info on her sexual interests in your previous engagements, because if she wants custody bad enough, she'll bring it up, and the courts consider bdsm devious behavior even between consenting adults. you'll also need to remember and note the occasion where it was first brought up in your relationship.. was it her idea or yours? I prey it was hers.
    fourth, as its been said, do not skimp on the lawyer, and dont fool yourself into thinking you can do this peacefully without one. she has already made some demands, and i guarantee you it wont end there.
    5th, find a friend, one you can trust, and sell him your stuff for 10% of its value. no money actually has to change hands, just recipts, notorized for it. otherwise it counts as assets and she can use them against you. things like cars, motorcycles boats, if you sell them now, she cant get any part of them, and later on, you can have your friend sign them back over to you.
    6th. good luck.

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