Curious individual seeking advice...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Morion, Jun 27, 2010.

  1. Morion

    Morion New Member

    I am very curious about the lifestyle. Looking back with the knowledge I have today, I can clearly see that my earliest sexual fantasies were kinks, and any fantasies I ever had about a relationship with a woman (beyond sex) also followed that line. Indeed, the idea of a vanilla relationship is one I find difficult to relate to. My background and personality, however, make it... difficult, at best, to explore this.

    I suffered agoraphobia from age 7 to 24, so went a significant (and important) portion of my life largely avoiding contact with people. Even though I was treated quite a few years ago now and live a 'normal' life, normal for me does not extend much beyond going to work, doing shopping, etc. I have no particular fears with relationships any more, but I am socially extremely awkward. This awkwardness extends to an extreme shyness around those I am not extremely familiar with, as I do not know how to act or make casual conversation. This shyness mellows quickly as I get to know people, but makes it difficult for be to break the ice initially. My hobbies grew to be very inward and isolationist, due to all those years of being unable to face the prospect of anything else. I am a non-drinker/non-smoker, so traditional places for meeting people like bars and nightclubs hold no interest for me (I have tried, but found them tedious places and unenjoyable).

    I have read a lot of literature on the lifestyle (eg The New Topping/Bottoming Book, etc) which not only enhanced my interest, but also brought me to understand the dangers. I am probably the kind of person most vulnerable to the kinds of people who abuse the trust of a kinky relationship, as I would be incapable of identifying the warning signs. I am not sure I could be a good partner in a kinky relationship either, without some form of 'training' from someone experienced (though, that is probably quite normal). I want to explore this aspect of my personality, but have no idea how to go about it in a safe and sane manner. I have gone all these years without ever having anything that resembled a relationship and find myself unable to imagine how to find something as 'exotic' as a kinky one. Does anyone have any advice on how to get out of this shell and take the first steps into a kinky world?
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You've already taken the first steps, Morion. You've done a fair amount of reading and you've joined this forum. Those are good initial steps. I was pretty shy about sex too. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 27. For me, part of the problem was that the older I got, the more difficult it felt to be a beginner. I finally decided to hire an escort to get me over the virginity hurdle. That might not be a bad strategy for you as well. You'd be in control of the meeting, and if you explained your situation to the escort in an initial email, that might help with a lot of the social anxiety. Depending on your finances and situation, you might even arrange several sessions to give you some experience of dating. You don't indicate either your sexual preference or whether you see yourself as a dom or sub. I'm guessing you might be a sub, in which case you might consider finding a prodom.

    You could put join a site like Fetlife or (if you're gay) Recon or Gearfetish. Be honest about your lack of experience and the fact that you'll need to do a lot of chatting before you meet. Chatting will help you locate someone you feel comfortable with and will allow you to watch for warning signs. Chatting with strangers on a forum like this or a dating site will help you get a little more comfortable with strangers generally, and especially discussing sexual matters with them.

    You might also look for your local munch. See if you can make contact with the organizer and chat with him/her before you go to a meeting so you'll have someone there that you know a little bit. Again, explain that you're shy and ask him/her to just help you make a few friends. Ask to be introduced to an experienced sub who can answer questions and teach you. Larger cities often have a sub support group--they'll be very happy to help you.

    You're right to be a little cautious. There certainly are people out there who might try to take advantage of you. But most d/sers are just like everyone else--decent, friendly, and not out to hurt you (at least, not in a bad way). Many of us in this community understand what it's like to feel anxious about dipping a toe in this pond, and a lot of doms and subs will be happy to offer some guidance--in particular, smart doms recognize the value of helping new subs get their bearings. The more novice subs out there who have good experiences, the larger the overall pool of play partners we all have. Use common sense--insist on meeting a new dom somewhere public first, and make sure that a friend knows exactly where you are and how to get ahold of you the first time you go visit a particular dom. Ask around and find out what sort of reputation your prospective dom may have. Ask your dom if he/she would be willing to provide a reference or two of subs who can vouch for him/her. Again, a good dom will be sensitive to these issues and will be willing to help build trust before playing.
  3. Surreal

    Surreal Member

    Hello Morion and welcome to the forums!

    I have to say, I was nervous about a lot of bdsm related stuff, but you've come to the right place. Everyone here is nice, to the point it's almost odd. There aren't any trolls (that I've seen) and there's a wealth of information about everything. If you ever want anyone to talk to about anything, I'm here, and if not me, I'm sure that you can find someone to talk to. ^^
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Also, have you thought about doing some online subbing? That would help you get some experience with fairly little risk, since with online play, you do everything to yourself and thus can control things if it gets too intense or frightening.
  5. Morion

    Morion New Member

    Thank you for the kind welcome and advice.

    I am straight and either a sub or a switch; I am not entirely certain. I am definitely a sub most of the time, but occasionally I hit short-lived 'dominant moods' (where my fantasies swing the other way, for perhaps a single evening). I am not sure if that makes me a switch, or if that is normal enough for a sub.

    I had never heard of Fetlife before, but I checked it out. Social networking websites go over my head --- I do not 'get' them --- but this seems worth pursuing. I have made an account and intend to try and make some use of it. Checking the events section, it turns out most kinky events in my city are within a 10 minute radius of my apartment, and I never knew!! Would Fetlife be the best place to find munches too, or somewhere else? I assume they are not advertised in the local paper under Community Events (or, I could be very wrong!).

    The thought of online play was also something I never considered. Assuming what I am imagining is not far off the mark, it does sound like a good, safe way to dip the toe in while I am still trying to find my way.
  6. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    My brat is a sub, but he has his occasional dominant moods. I think a switch is someone who will do either one with equal enjoyment, but it sounds like you are happier as a sub and occasionally you like taking charge once in a blue moon.
    I enjoy that aspect in my brat. ^^

    Oh and welcome to the forum!
  7. Morion

    Morion New Member

    Ah, it is great to get some clarification on that point. Thank you!
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I think that comparatively few people are entirely dominant or submissive. At least in the gay community, most doms will admit to harboring submissive fantasies, and subbing occasionally can be a very important tool for learning how to be an effective dom; seeing how a sub experiences things can really improve a dom's skills.

    To find your local munch, try googling 'munch' and your city (assuming you're in a city of any real size) or state. But chatting on Fetlife will probably get you there as well. Your local women's sex store might also be a good place to look. Women's sex shops tend to have something like a community bulletin board where people post notices of events, and some of them also host occasional classes. Although they do tend to cater to women, most such stores are very friendly to anyone looking for information about sex, and they are much classier places than the local porn shop. As such, they might be a good place for a very shy person to have a few conversations about toys, the bdsm community, and so on. They are unlikely to be shocked by anything you ask, esp. if you ask politely.
  9. Morion

    Morion New Member

    I found a meet up in a couple of weeks on Fetlife and have contacted the organiser. Hopefully it all goes well!
  10. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    Good luck!
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Congrats! Sounds like you've found the courage to get moving on your, which is no small accomplishment. Is this a munch (which is just a social gathering, with no play) or is it a play party?
  12. Morion

    Morion New Member

    Thank you.

    There is a munch at first, which I am definitely attending. Following this, they are moving to a nearby play party (where more people will be attending). I am not yet sure if I will move onto the second location (a nightclub with play rooms) or not. If I find I am comfortable with the munch group, I may very well go with them.

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