conundrum

charliegirl · Mar 2, 2010

So heres the deal: my boyfriend and I are exploring in the bdsm world and finding our place- so to speak. We have this one particularly nasty whip which i love to be used on me and I have asked him to hit me harder than he does (hes afraid to hurt me but i want to see how hard is appropriate so to speak). We were playing the other night and i experianced annoyance more than anything at being hit (i think this is mostly because he has a tendancy to graze the same place multiple times) and asked him to stop and he did. I didn't see this as a safe word situation so i did not use it, but immediately after he stopped I was regretful that he did. I was gaining pleasure out of being hit at first but then it sort of came to a point where it annoyed me out of being turned on. We discussed maybe including red light yellow light and green light plus our safe word into our play, but im not sure i want to have that much power. I feel confused on this topic as Im not sure how to correct this situation without either handing myself too much control or using the safe word every time i get annoyed (although i feel like the safe word is only for situations where something is really wrong emotionally or physically). Also, if anyone has any whipping tips I would be greatful to share them with my boyfriend.

L8NightQ · Mar 10, 2010

How do you answer something like that?

Where did the whip come from, and did you both pick it out?

Sounds like you're upset cause he doesn't know how to do what you so clearly have in your head, and he doesn't want to damage you.... and he's not sure... well, he's.... well... you know
Also sounds like you're trying to convince him that you can't be damaged if he would just do what's in your head.

I had a buddy like that. I reference him in a recent post (Submissive Girlfriend). Read it and let me know what you think.

I will tell you that we don't all progress at the same levels. The key to all of what you're asking about is patience and communication. I'm hoping that through some of this, you make it about him.
Slow down and work on communication between the both of you. Lite some candles, pour a good drink, turn off the TV, turn down the music, and really talk about what goes on inside your head. Talk about where he is, what turns him on, and what troubles him.
Have some test sessions, just to "see what happens", and do just that.
Have him test your tolerances so that he knows how hard, how often, and where you need to be worked on. Watch some videos on bdsm playpen, and discuss what's happening, how it's happening, and how you relate to it (and how he does).
There's about three kinds of guys in this situation (I'm simplifying).
1. The ones who try for a while and just can't relate.
2. The ones who have been secretly beating off to increasingly violent videos and will gladly accept you as a new training dummy.
3. The ones who know they like it, but move into it more slowly while adjusting their sense of morality against what they've been taught all their life (it's wrong to hit a woman and worse to beat a woman).

In all cases, it's a process.

I haven't been here very long, but I will offer this to you.

I really think the reason no-one responded so far is because it looks like this is about you and not you two.

My apologies if I'm mistaken.

Good luck

P.S. "The loving Dominant" and "The New Topping Book" both have sections on whipping techniques. Good reference for folks jut getting into it.
But it would be better if he got on here and asked his own questions.

sebastian · Mar 10, 2010

I'd second the recommendation for the Loving Dominant. Very good book, and it includes a useful discussion of safety issues, particularly what parts of the body to NOT hit. If your bf is worried about injuring you, it might help for him to read up on how to do flogging safely, so that he can be confident he's not risking harming you.

conundrum

charliegirl

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L8NightQ

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sebastian

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