Control

drkangl87 · Nov 7, 2010

I've just recently been introduced to the BDSM world and I like being controlled to i have a hard time giving up total control to him and i was just wondering what i could do to overcome that.

praefect · Nov 7, 2010

That depends on why you have a hard time. What goes through your head when he demands obedience from you?

handcuff_freak · Nov 7, 2010

Start small. Don't give up full control at first. Let him hold one of your wrists. When you are fine with that have him hold both of them. Only do what you are comfortable with. Talk to him and let him know how you feel, what you are ok with and that you want to start slow. Also tell him its important this is done your way so that eventually you both will get what you want and have fun.

If it ends up that you can't give full control don't be down on yourself. Its not for everyone. He should understand this and not push it further.

Hope this helps!

drkangl87 · Nov 7, 2010

To praefect: i think my problem is that the only other time i've ever done something like this was with an ex fiancee of mine who didn't start off slow or anything and just went full force and with this guy what keeps going through my head is "what if he wants to step it up and i'm not prepared for it?" of if he does step it up a notch i'll start going "Can i really handle this?" and start worrying that maybe i'm not doing good enough.

To handcuff_freak: he does do what i'm comfortable with but since i haven't done much he likes to add things to the mix and usually i'm ok with it. He chokes me to the point where i'll almost pass out, which i love, he bites me really hard he slaps me and spanks me and all that and i've been tied up before but i want to do more than that but i'm terrified either he won't want to or what i'm asking for i shouldn't ask for cause i can't handle it etc.

The other thing with him is even though he has control he tends to make me feel like i've got a bit of control in the sense of he always makes sure that i'm well pleased even if he isn't and then i feel like i haven't pleased him and i did something wrong

praefect · Nov 7, 2010

drkangl87 said:
To praefect: i think my problem is that the only other time i've ever done something like this was with an ex fiancee of mine who didn't start off slow or anything and just went full force and with this guy what keeps going through my head is "what if he wants to step it up and i'm not prepared for it?" of if he does step it up a notch i'll start going "Can i really handle this?" and start worrying that maybe i'm not doing good enough.

Is this your boyfriend? A dom? Do you have a relationship with one another or are we talking about play session?

master jey · Nov 7, 2010

drkangl87

he tends to make me feel like i've got a bit of control

Sub should always have a control of the scene for his/her own safety

i want to do more than that but i'm terrified either he won't want to or what i'm asking for i shouldn't ask for cause i can't handle it etc.

You should have a talk

I've just recently been introduced to the BDSM world and I like being controlled to i have a hard time giving up total control to him and i was just wondering what i could do to overcome that.

Everything starts small don't give him full control yet start slow and give him more and more control to the point that you want

sebastian · Nov 7, 2010

As Jey said, you need to have a talk. BDSM requires a lot of communication, probably more than vanilla sex and relationships do. Before you play, tell him what you want to experience, tell him what scares you and what holds you back, and ask him what he want to do, then negotiate what you're willing to receive and what you need to put off until you have more trust and comfort. After you play, tell him what you enjoyed, what you didn't, and what could have been better.

I don't know how much experience your dom has, but if he's new, he may still be developing the confidence he needs to be truly effective. If that's the case, it's very important that he get feedback from you about what you liked and what you didn't, and what you want him to try. This will help him grow more dominant.

Also, something you need in order to surrender is to know that he understands safety, that he's not going to do something that might accidentally injure you. So make sure that he's done some reading on safety issues. The reason I mention this is that you mention that he chokes you. Breath control, although common, is quite risky. The two of you should read Jay Wiseman's thoughts on breath control (just google "Jay Wiseman breath control" and it's the first thing to come up) before you do it again; you need to be aware of the risks it entails.

drkangl87 · Nov 7, 2010

We do talk about things like that but with him it's like i know what i like and don't like yet i don't know what he wants from me in order to please him. It's pretty much he does what he does and i just go along with what he wants but i don't feel like i'm doing it right cause he doesn't tell me. He isn't new at this by any means but then again even when we do play it's not what i think of when i think of dom/sub relationship. it's more like he's going to choke me and bite me and have his way with me but i don't know maybe that's part of it. like i said i'm really really new at this stuff.

sebastian · Nov 7, 2010

If you're talking, then tell him that you need more guidance from him as you play. You need him to tell you or otherwise cue you into what he wants.

Some subs are very passive, and just lie there like dolls to be used. Other subs are active, trying to meet their master's desires. Yesterday I played with a boy who, when he realized I was going to spank him, started raising his ass in the air, clenching and unclenching his buttocks for the blows. That's active subbing. It sounds to me like you want to be more active, and he's used to having more passive subs who don't need much direction because he just does what he wants. If that's what's going on, you two will need to talk through this and figure out a way to make it work. it's entirely reasonable for a sub to ask for more guidance and ways to be more active within the scene, and it may just be a case of him learning to be more verbal, or of telling you outside the scene what he wants from you when he's doing a particular thing to you. If, on the other hand, he knows that he wants a passive sub and you want to be an active sub, you will probably always find play to be a little frustrating.

Communication is absolutely critical. Even if he's experienced, you're not. So he needs to give you feedback. There's a reason that we call playing with a sub "training". He needs to train you to meet his expectations. I would also recommend that you do some reading to help you understand what BDSM is and isn't. A good place to start is SM 101, by Jay Wiseman. And don't simply assume that because he's experienced that he knows how to be safe. Ask him about safety practices. Has he given you safe words?

drkangl87 · Nov 7, 2010

No, he hasn't given me any safe words, the most i do in terms of wanting something to stop is when he is choking me and i want him to let go i tap his hand but that's about. And yeah he pretty much moves me where he wants and positions me how he wants most of the time but he is verbal at times too so i guess it's a mix of both?

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