considering adding a 3rd to our bed

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Her-sir, Sep 22, 2012.

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  1. Her-sir

    Her-sir New Member

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    I'll start by saying this is not a personals or wanted ad.

    A couple months ago I shared with her a fantasy I have had for a while that I wanted to see another woman eat her pussy. She has been kicking it around and it came up today & we've talked for hours about it. We are considering adding a 2nd woman on occasion to our bed. This would be for her, There would be zero sexual contact between the 2nd and myself.

    My question is has anyone done this? (There has to be someone here that has)

    Was the 3rd a single or married woman? I see pro's and con's with both.

    One question that has come up is that if we found a couple that we could borrow the wife would it be fair if I didn't release my wife to them? And really I don't care to share her. If it works for them fine but I feel for us that we should both be present in all sexual situations.

    Has it enhanced your relationship or did the whole thing crash & burn resulting in a huge shitstorm?

    How do you go about finding someone? We are thinking a friendship first setup would work better than a random encounter.

    Yes,sir should chime in if I forgot anything.
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  2. lasubbie101

    lasubbie101 New Member

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    Idk but my Sir and I are considering the same thing and would welcome any advise/input as well!
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  3. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

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    My personal opinion is that anything that involves bringing someone else into the sexual relationship, particularly a marriage, is asking for trouble.

    I know some people swear it has made their marriage/relationship stronger but I don't see how you can get over jealousy issues. It's a natural response to me. I couldn't tolerate anyone's hands on my man and even if in fantasy the idea of me with someone else turns him on, in reality he'd probably tear the guys head off! Plus would you start to worry if they prefer sex with the other person, male or female?! That's just how my mind works.

    I think if you go that route though a single person would be better, I would have thought a married couple would present more issues, in that the guy would most likely want a share of the action or a trade. Unless he gets off on watching his wife with others and doesn't like to do anything himself.
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  4. Her-sir

    Her-sir New Member

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    Thanks for the input. Anyone else? This isn't something we plan to rush into.

    IF this happens there are 2 hard rules.

    1 Zero sexual contact between the 2nd woman and myself, In fact try for zero contact at all.

    2 If the 2nd woman is married there will be no sharing of my wife, Period. It's not fair to ask to borrow someones wife without offering mine in return but I don't care. My life is too busy to be spending time in jail for assualt if he were to "accidently" touch her.

    At this point I think she would enjoy sex with a woman but not prefer it to me. Sex is a hobby for me and I tend to be obsessive with my hobbies. It sounds cocky but I'm pretty confident in my abilities to take care of her.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2012
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  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Let me preface this by saying I have a little experience opening up a relationship, but I'm not super-experienced. But I've seen a number of my friends do it, and I've seen some of the common mistakes.

    Opening a relationship, either on a one-night only basis or as a recurring thing, is complicated. Both primary partners need to be very open and honest about how they are feeling. They need to make a good-faith effort to understand and accommodate their partner's concerns. They need to be honest if they are feeling jealous, and they need to be clear whether that jealousy is something they can handle or if it is so powerful as to be a deal-breaker.

    If you and your wife have discussed it and you both think it's something you'd like to try, look around for a suitable third. Either post an ad or look at posted ads. Both of you get to have input into the selection process. Assuming you find a suitable candidate drop her a line and explain that you're exploring but have no experience with this sort of play. Be honest about what you are hoping might happen, and who the third gets to play with and how (does the third get to be a domme, or is she expected to be a fellow sub with your wife, for example?)

    Let's say you find a suitable third who's interested. Before you meet her, set some ground rules with your wife. Either of you can veto playing, without having to feel guilty or make it up to the other. You both have to agree that you can play with this third. You both have the right to stop the scene with a safe word, and if need be, you can terminate play entirely. If one partner stops or ends the scene, that's it. The other cannot continue.

    Then meet the third for coffee. Explain what you're looking for, and tell her that at the moment, it's only a one-time thing. Ask her what she's looking for, and answer any of her questions honestly. Find out a little about her backgroud--has she done this before, or is she new to threesomes as well? If she's done it before, how did it work for her? Before you agree to play, you and your wife should discuss things, if only to make sure you both like her. If one of you is uncomfortable, don't go any further--what sounds hot one night in your bedroom might seem undesirable when you meet for coffee.

    Now let's assume that you hit it off with the third and you all decide to play. Remember the ground rules, and make sure the third knows them as well. Explore your play as you've agreed. Expect some awkwardness and don't take things too seriously; it's ok to laugh or admit you're nervous. As you play, do periodic check-ins with your wife--is she enjoying herself or is she feeling upset? Maybe use the color safe words or arrange a signal ("if I twirl my hair, it means I need you to call a time-out" or "if I squeeze your hand twice, it means I'm enjoying myself and you can be more dominant"--whatever will allow you and your wife to communicate non-verbally). If either of you calls a time-out, stop play and honestly discuss whatever the issue is. It might help to ask the third to step outside the bedroom for a moment so you can be candid. Decide if the issue can be resolved (maybe she just needs to hear you say you love her or think she's sexier than the third) or if it's enough of an issue that you need to stop for the night. If you have to stop, explain politely to the third that you enjoyed playing but you've had enough for now. You can apologize if you think you're stopping really soon or as things were getting interesting, but you don't need to apologize for exercising the right to stop itself. This is an exploratory session.

    If play seems to go well, the three of you should wrap things up in a friendly fashion. Offer the third a blanket to snuggle in, shower facilities, a cup of coffee, or whatever else seems reasonable, but she may want to leave right away. Once she's gone, discuss how it went with your wife. Did she like it? If not, how could it have been better? Would a different third have made a difference? Does she want to do it again, or did she learn that she doesn't want this sort of thing again? And give your own answers to those questions. Be honest--It's ok to say you enjoyed it even if your wife didn't, but that doesn't mean she ever has to accommodate your desire again. You should only repeat the experience if both of you enjoyed it enough that you both want to try it again. If either one of you feels jealous, angry, ashamed, or otherwise uncomfortable, just agree that it was an interesting experiment but that it's not for you. And if one of you wants it again but the other one doesn't, the one who wants it needs to accept that he or she is going to have to sacrifice that desire for the sake the marriage.

    After you've played, regardless of the outcome, do something together that re-affirms your love and commitment to each other. It might just be a date night or a romantic dinner, or maybe it's a weekend getaway or a special kind of play. The point is to reassure each other than even if you had fun with the third, your spouse is much more important to you than any third will be.

    A few general points:
    1) There is no shame in stopping the process at any point. You're exploring, and you might find out that you simply don't want or can't handle the experience.
    2) Some people can handle open relationships and some people can't. Wanting or not wanting to play with a third does not make you more mature or otherwise better. So neither should feel guilty about stopping the process, and the other one cannot apply a guilt-trip.
    3) Any time you explore, you may find out something you wish you hadn't learned. You can't unring the bell, so don't explore if it seems likely that you will learn something catastrophic. In other words, if you're uncertain how committed you are to your marriage, playing with a third is not a good idea.
    4) Honesty and communication are critical here. Full disclosure is required. So talk about your feelings, good and bad, and listen respectfully to your wife's feelings. Sometimes all it takes to get past feelings of jealousy is being able to talk about them.
    5) Follow the rules you agree on as if the cops will arrest you if you break them. Do not EVER fudge the rules in order to play with a third. If a rule seems too restrictive, talk about it and change it after you both agree. If you're in doubt about a rule, err on the side of caution.The moment you break a rule, you're undermining the trust, honesty, and openness you need to make this work. And don't renegotiate the rules when your lust is running high. Wait until you can discuss things calmly.

    Yes opening a relationship up can be a disaster. But it can also strengthen your relationship. It all depends on what sort of people you and your wife are. You can't know for sure how it will turn out, but if you follow the rules you've agreed on, and stop if one of you is uncomfortable, there's a good chance you can have an enjoyable evening or maybe something more.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2012
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  6. Her-sir

    Her-sir New Member

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    Thanks for the response, You touched on most of the things we have talked about.

    One thing we have set in place. It takes 2 yes' to proceed and a single no to stop.

    I forgot to mention our D/s relationship.I thought it would be kind of fun to have a second sub that I got just for her if that makes sense??? We talked about it and she wasn't comfortable with that & we decided to save the D/s just for us. I am her D, She is my s and that is how it will always be; no one else. Our 3rd will be more vanilla or at least her role with us will be.
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  7. Yes sir

    Yes sir New Member

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    Thanks for everyone's responses. This is definitely not something we are taking lightly and really appreciate any input. We have been together way too long to let anything mess it up. Much like everything in a relationship communication and honesty are HUGE!! This may be on the table for a year before we finally do it or the idea might get tossed tomorrow.
    Thanks again.
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