Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by RS1981, Jun 7, 2012.

  1. RS1981

    RS1981 Member

    It's been a while since I posted here, so this is somewhat of an update on my relationship with my pet, as well as asking for advice. Pardon me in advance if what I'm about to say sounds misogynistic at all, it's definitely not my intention. I'm starting to feel like she isn't really submissive at all. I got the impression that she's a switch, but lately her dominant side seems to have been coming out. Maybe I'm completely misunderstanding things since I'm still learning as a dominant always seems to do. I already know she's very stubborn, but today she said something that threw me for a loop, even though at the same time I understand what she said. She said she wants to do what I tell her, but only "at her own pace". What does that mean? I know submissives are obviously entitled to their limits, but it's feeling as if she's the one trying to dominate and lead me. How do I get her to open up and tell her exactly what she means by at her own pace? It completely confuses me and keeps me from learning exactly what she needs in order to get comfortable enough to drop her guard. Or is there nothing I can do at all and I just have to wait for her to come around?
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think most of these are questions you have to ask her. She could just mean she has some limits she's willing to push, but not yet, or it could be an attempt at control, or it could be anything else.
  3. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Is switching not something you are willing to try? Perhaps she thought she was a sub and is slowly starting to realize that she is in fact a domme. It does not sound as though you two are new at this, was she more perceptive at first but is now trying to backtrack? Talk, but realize this may be something that only good time and a loving hand can help.

    I hope this helps I am fairly new but thought I would throw in my two cents :D
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I agree with Smallest--you need to talk to her and ask her what you've asked us. And it's also possible that she's finding new parts of herself.
  5. RS1981

    RS1981 Member

    You're right seb, the problem is that everytime I ask her something she speaks in circles. I ask her what she means by her answers and all she says is something to the effect of "just what I said". I don't know whether she's just yanking my chain or if she really doesn't know how to communicate her concerns properly. I know one reason she's afraid to commit fully is because she's afraid I'll take away her identity. I have no desire to do that at all. Not only is it too much work, but I have nothing to gain from doing that.
  6. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    She could have redefined what submission is to herself. Perhaps she wants more bedroom only play instead of day to day? A lot of us subs have strong personalities deep down. People change so just tell her she has to be more specific about what she means.
  7. RS1981

    RS1981 Member

    The problem apparently isn't as much the day to day submission as it is the bedroom submission actually, but the day to day submission is part of the issue too. Obviously I realize it's important to accommodate with how much pain she can handle, and I don't want to cross that boundary. Basically it feels like she sort of flip flopped and doesn't want as much pain to start off all of a sudden. I'm okay with her wanting to ramp it up slowly of course, but it seriously confused me since she just seemed to be perfectly comfortable with the intensity. I think what hurt and confused me the most is that she accused me of wanting "porn shit" and then started gauging the amount of pain she wants by numbers. She even tried to tell me that she's told me before what she wanted, but I don't remember anything of the sort, and I remember everything she's told me, especially things like that. She said on a scale of 1-10 she wants a 3 in pain, which I have no idea what that means without a demonstration, especially since I want nowhere near the level of sadism involved in some of the videos I've seen. I'm also fine with making a compromise on face slapping or not doing any of the more extreme degrading activities, I'm not into those things anyway. But to try to gauge it by a number without telling me exactly what that means I can't do anything to help her. Is it common for a sub to be perfectly fine with something in the beginning and then dial it way down all of a sudden? Or was she possibly just playing along with what I liked without telling me regardless of what she wanted? Honestly when she accused me of wanting the "porn shit" as she put it, that made me very upset and I'm starting to question my sadism fetish because I'm feeling like I'm being an abusive piece of shit.
  8. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    This isn't your issue, it's hers , so try not to feel bad. You are not an abusive shit or you wouldn't care in the first place and wouldnt be trying to sort this.

    She can't give you a number for pain like that, it isn't realistic that you could be expected to know what that means in terms of what you can do without some practise. We are people not computers and you can't gauge that stuff accurately without trying it out first.

    I think it is entirely possible that she was going along with some things she didn't 100% enjoy to please you but that can happen with vanilla stuff too. I am guilty of only doing things with my partner that I didn't like and then turned around years later and basically said I'm not doing that anymore it makes me uncomfortable and feel like shit. Unfair to him but I didn't want to carry on the relationship doing things that made me unhappy and I didn't want to lie about it anymore. Could be that is what is happening with her.

    I have used the porn line too when it is something I do not like, for me it's anal. It's a no go for me but all porn movies seem to show it, vanilla ones probably more so it seems to me, so I have thrown that line out when my guy has even hinted at it. Thing is I don't think he really would go through with it if I said yes, he just likes winding me up about it but my reaction is always pretty negative.

    I think in your situation it could be that she is pulling back from you for whatever reason or it could be that she was pushing her boundaries to please you but now feels confident enough to tell you how she really feels. Or her tastes could have changed. It's possible that it doesn't work for her anymore or that her tolerance had changed.

    She definately needs to open up properly and be honest with you, and realistic about her expectations.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A few thoughts:

    1) You're not a sadistic piece of shit. As subarama points out, if you were a sadistic piece of shit, being one wouldn't upset you. You're concerned for your sub's safety and enjoyment, and you're feeling confused and hurt right now. These are natural feelings in this situation.

    2) Some doms and subs do use a number system. They start at 1, which is very gentle, just light enough for the sub to know you're there. When the sub feels ok, she says "2", and the dom knows he can get a little rougher, but not much. Then the sub says "3" and they keep ramping up like that until the sub feels she's reached her limit. The system obviously gives the sub a lot of control. I think it's more a beginning type of play than something for hardcore players, but it is a system that works for some. It also sounds like she might not entirely know what she's trying to say, about what she wants.

    3) It's possible that she was letting you go past her pain threshold because she wanted to please you, and now she feels like she needs to dial things back. Or she might be testing you to see if you care enough about her to drop something you really like. Or she might be testing you to see who's really in charge of the relationship. Or maybe something else is going on and this is just smoke from another fire. I think she might be angry about something--the porn line sounds very accusatory.

    4) I think what you should is suspend your d/s play for a while and focus on fixing the communication between the two of you. She's angry or upset about something, and you're hurt and confused. So put the BDSM to one side for a while, and let her know that. Do some classically romantic stuff, do gentle love-making or just cuddle, to re-affirm your feelings for each other, and then try to get down to communication. Explain that you care about her, you want to make sure she enjoys your play, and you're hurt by her accusation that you're just looking for the porn experience. Tell her that you're really confused; you don't understand what's changed about her desires, and you don't understand what she's been saying to explain things.

    Ask her to explain the problem again. Focus on the parts that don't make sense. In my experience, when someone says something that doesn't make sense, there can be one of two things going on. You might not be understanding what she's saying. But if you can eliminate that option (you're pretty sure you understand the words, but they don't quite add up to something clear) then pursue the second option, that what she's saying really doesn't make sense because there's a hidden illogic in it. What she's saying makes sense to her, because she's inside the problem, but to someone outside the problem it looks illogical because her fears or anger has warped her ability to understand the issues.

    I'm not sure if that makes clear what I'm saying, so let me offer an analogy. Sometimes a person's fears, anger, egotism or whatever can warp logic the way a black hole warps light. To the person inside the problem, the logic makes sense; it runs in straight lines just like light is supposed to. But to anyone outside the problem, the logic is warped; the light is bending around the black hole. So what looks like a straight line to the person in the black hole is a spiral to anyone outside it. Does that make it clear?

    So if you really can't understand what she's saying, it may be because what she's saying genuinely doesn't make sense to anyone except her. Listen for the leap of logic, the thing she's not saying, because that's usually where the real problem is. So when she says that you want the porn, perhaps what she is really thinking is, "if he wants BDSM maybe that means he doesn't love me." Or maybe it's something like "if he wants BDSM, that must mean I'm worthless." Neither of those is objectively logical, but to someone with an insecurity, they make sense.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2012
  10. RS1981

    RS1981 Member

    Thank you all for your advice, it all makes total sense and may make things easier. She's a very strong willed person (which I find attractive, I don't want a submissive woman who is going to just do whatever I say all the time, that's boring.) so it may take a little coaxing to get her to discuss things with me, but this is a very important matter that needs to be addressed. I will keep you all updated on the outcome of our discussion.

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