MIRROR: Download from MEGA
A few thoughts:
1) You're not a sadistic piece of shit. As subarama points out, if you were a sadistic piece of shit, being one wouldn't upset you. You're concerned for your sub's safety and enjoyment, and you're feeling confused and hurt right now. These are natural feelings in this situation.
2) Some doms and subs do use a number system. They start at 1, which is very gentle, just light enough for the sub to know you're there. When the sub feels ok, she says "2", and the dom knows he can get a little rougher, but not much. Then the sub says "3" and they keep ramping up like that until the sub feels she's reached her limit. The system obviously gives the sub a lot of control. I think it's more a beginning type of play than something for hardcore players, but it is a system that works for some. It also sounds like she might not entirely know what she's trying to say, about what she wants.
3) It's possible that she was letting you go past her pain threshold because she wanted to please you, and now she feels like she needs to dial things back. Or she might be testing you to see if you care enough about her to drop something you really like. Or she might be testing you to see who's really in charge of the relationship. Or maybe something else is going on and this is just smoke from another fire. I think she might be angry about something--the porn line sounds very accusatory.
4) I think what you should is suspend your d/s play for a while and focus on fixing the communication between the two of you. She's angry or upset about something, and you're hurt and confused. So put the BDSM to one side for a while, and let her know that. Do some classically romantic stuff, do gentle love-making or just cuddle, to re-affirm your feelings for each other, and then try to get down to communication. Explain that you care about her, you want to make sure she enjoys your play, and you're hurt by her accusation that you're just looking for the porn experience. Tell her that you're really confused; you don't understand what's changed about her desires, and you don't understand what she's been saying to explain things.
Ask her to explain the problem again. Focus on the parts that don't make sense. In my experience, when someone says something that doesn't make sense, there can be one of two things going on. You might not be understanding what she's saying. But if you can eliminate that option (you're pretty sure you understand the words, but they don't quite add up to something clear) then pursue the second option, that what she's saying really doesn't make sense because there's a hidden illogic in it. What she's saying makes sense to her, because she's inside the problem, but to someone outside the problem it looks illogical because her fears or anger has warped her ability to understand the issues.
I'm not sure if that makes clear what I'm saying, so let me offer an analogy. Sometimes a person's fears, anger, egotism or whatever can warp logic the way a black hole warps light. To the person inside the problem, the logic makes sense; it runs in straight lines just like light is supposed to. But to anyone outside the problem, the logic is warped; the light is bending around the black hole. So what looks like a straight line to the person in the black hole is a spiral to anyone outside it. Does that make it clear?
So if you really can't understand what she's saying, it may be because what she's saying genuinely doesn't make sense to anyone except her. Listen for the leap of logic, the thing she's not saying, because that's usually where the real problem is. So when she says that you want the porn, perhaps what she is really thinking is, "if he wants BDSM maybe that means he doesn't love me." Or maybe it's something like "if he wants BDSM, that must mean I'm worthless." Neither of those is objectively logical, but to someone with an insecurity, they make sense.
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