Confused about when it becomes emotionally unhealthy

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by DayaV, Nov 1, 2010.

  1. DayaV

    DayaV New Member

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    Complete newbie here, thanks so much in advance for your help. A few weeks ago, I started getting intimate with a man who is naturally dominant (I am submissive and have been waiting for years to let this out). Neither of us has any BDSM experience, but we're learning together. I've done a lot of reading on it and we've already starting easing into it with phenomenal results. It's like I was born to do this.

    The problem is, I'm confused about whether this relationship is emotionally "healthy" for me or not. Although our activities are cathartic while and after we do them, the rest of the time I've been riding this crazy manic depressive roller coaster since I met him. I feel really emotionally needy after our encounters, and when he doesn't give me any attention afterwards, I feel objectified and disrespected. Although I love to be humiliated and degraded sexually, I can't clearly distinguish the boundary between real-life (unhealthy) and sexual (healthy) objectification.

    I don't feel guilty or upset about what we've done, I just feel... empty, angry and alone after the endorphin rush subsides. I'm not even necessarily thinking about him, I just feel upset and need support from the person who experienced the activities with me. I think some people call it "sub drop." I just have no idea what to do with these feelings!

    I'm afraid to communicate with him about it because I hate feeling so needy. I'm not used to caring at all about attention from a person I'm having a casual relationship with- normally I'd be happy to walk out the door and not hear from him or her again until the next encounter. To top it off, he has a significant other, and I feel like I don't have the right to ask him for more attention.

    But this has gotten to a point at which I'm having trouble functioning in my daily life because I feel so crappy, and I'm thinking it would be better for me to just cut this off and resume normalcy rather than continue to strive after these euphoric highs- the lows don't seem worth it. Is this a normal part of getting into a BDSM type of relationship? Or should I be doing something differently?

    ETA: I have read the FAQ thoroughly and felt my question was not answered there.
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2010
  2. Phoray

    Phoray Member

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    Emotionally unhealthy is when it interferes with normal day to day activities of living. it could be as simple as you stating that your needs aren't being met and seeing if the extra ten minutes it takes to reassure you after a session is enough to salve the raw feeling.

    BDSM aside- if you state "dating" a guy that you get hung up on who isn't available to you other than what he is giving you then either become satisfied with that or move on. Plain and simple
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I think Phoray's rule of thumb is a good place to start. If it feels like it's unhealthy, it probably is.

    You absolutely need to talk to your dom about your feelings. BDSM can turn very problematic when there is no communication. So tell your dom what you're feeling and what you're looking for from him. If you need more attention in the days after play, tell him that. He may think you don't want the attention, or he may not understand what aftercare involves.

    Another important thing to consider: bdsm tends to dissolve barriers. When you let your dom torture you, you are letting down walls that normally keep your safe. That's part of what makes bdsm so satisfying and intense. But, if you're used to keeping a tight rein on your emotions when you play with a guy, you might find it very confusing to have such intense feelings afterward. This might just be a part of you that normally you keep locked down coming to the surface because bdsm is letting it loose. Maybe you should discuss something like a more formal, if casual relationship.
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Have you told your dom about these feelings?

    This would be the first place to start. If he doesn't respond well, then I would say leave him now. If he makes a conscious effort to change then all is well!

    Remember he's a brand new dom, if you're not boyfriend and girlfriend then he might inherently get that you need more attention and care

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