Common experiences for subbies

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by GreyMac, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

    I have often wondered if many/most subbies have a common set of expereinces. I know that there is a psyche profile; people pleasers, many don't like conflict, etc. but I wonder if there is a common set of actual experiences, i.e. do most subs at some point in their lives fall in love with /have a crush on an authority figure in their lives? I was surprised, for exmple, by the number of women subbies here who said in another threaad that they had rape or violent fantasies at surprisingly young ages. (Although I do not intend to limit the answers on this thread to women.) I expect answers to be scattered about so don't worry about hijacking the thread. A loose discussion woven around common experiences is exactly what I have in mind.
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  2. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    well all I know is (also in a conversation with subspace)that I have a fairly classic "set up" for it.
    I had a young mom 18 at my birth, who was absent alot,when my parents were together, and tended to dump me on my grandparents after the divorce(in search of a husband)
    one absent father,one abusive step, one good step but he was too late and had no idea what to do with me
    only child, I tried to stay below the radar, played alone,
    high school......well that was just miserable, but I had a taste for the really fucked up girls too bad they didn't share the interest, I was the "nice guy" you understand the rest...
    Not really any "rape" fantasies until recently.
    Actualy raped in my middle twenties, some guys just don't understand "no".
    and I have just about all of the traits so eloquently described by Grey.

    I'm not sorry.
    I like who I am now, if I'm a little fucked up sometimes it only gives me strength after I get thought it.

    And subspace likes me. :)

    I wouldn't give up being a sub for anything, It feels so right to me,it's were my strength lies
    I have had powerful experiences and I'm only just getting started.
  3. subspace

    subspace Member

    I had a totally normal childhood for the most part.
    I know i was interested in sex/masturbation at a very young age but not for any traumatic reasons. Even though I was very interested in sex I was at the same time terrified of it. I think that is where my fantasies of being over-powered started. I thought if I could give the choice and control away then anything that might happen couldn't be seen as my fault and therefore it was okay. All of those thoughts percolated for so many years that the fantasy of giving away control was more interesting than the reality of what vanilla sex was about.

    As far as general tendencies that subbies may share, I have had do deal on and off with a variety of somewhat self-destructive behaviors and wonder if that is a commonality between subs. I have always struggled with thinking that I am not good enough and that others always have it more together than I do - not just in BDSM but in every aspect of life. I definitely am the type that wants to make sure everyone else is okay and then I can be okay.
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  4. You know how on the airplanes, the safety people stress like four or five times that in case of emergency, you must put on your own mask before attempting to assist others? Yeah, it's people like me that make that part of the message necessary. I'm a chronic people-pleaser and caretaker. I cannot relax if I know someone I care for is upset or hurt in any way . . . My friends affectionately call me "mom".

    For various reasons, I became fascinated with sexuality (especially when a friend of mine kind of forced me to look through a playboy magazine when I was about 10, she was around 14) very young. Parents were and are still extremely close-minded people. Never once mentioned anything about sex to me. Had no "talk", no explanations. Sister was the golden child from day one. I was expected to care for her, help around the house, held to higher expectations in school and everything I did. Very sexual experiences at a very young age. It's been only recently (Saturday, I do believe) been brought to my attention that my submissive tendencies may(okay, probably) have something to do with my family relations, though I think deep down, I always knew. Endlessly questing to be better at everything I do from school work to a D/s relationship, feelings of inadequacy. I have very low self-esteem, struggling with self-injuring since I was around 13 . . . Not sure if I should be sharing all this?

    I loathe the thought that my submissiveness could be a product of my f*ed up psyche . . . I hate that something that brings me to such bliss could be the result of so many things being wrong with me. . .

    **Edit: Sorry if this is over-share . . .
  5. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    Not at all Innocent.
    I am flattered that you feel you can share this with us.
    I too am a chronic people pleas er. feelings of inadequacy/low self esteem.
    yep all me :)
    But I want you to think of D/s as the reward for getting through your fucked up child hood and not some quirky byproduct.
    I am also a alcoholic (15 years sober) I have gained strength from the crap life threw at me and the bad I brought upon myself.

    I am convinced that BDSM is one of the most effective therapy's out there(but you gotta know what your doing)

    I feel closer to you and like you better for sharing something so personal with me.
    and I understand how you feel.
    Your strong inside, you have strength and power as a sub.
    I personally don't like "emotionally healthy" people they are dull and liars.(shut up! it's a joke)
    There is nothing wrong with you.
    It's a matter of learning how to use the "tools" life gave you.
    Turning your apprent "flaws and weakness's" against themselves and put them to work for you.
    Embrace "what" you are and "who" you are.
    D/s is an excellent first step you have already turned something that the rest of the world sees as a weakness into a power.
    Now all I have to do is take my own advice:)
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  6. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

    It is not. Thank you for sharing. I like EZRA's thought, think of this as your reward for wading through the negative crap.

    "That which does not kill you, makes you stronger."

    Someone (MLML?) posted on another thread that music is very important to her. This has been true for most of the subbies I've known. Is this accurate for most of you, too, or just conincidence?
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  7. EZRA

    EZRA Member

    Absolutely, music is very important to me.

    (sorry I know I hogging this thread, but I like it)
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  8. Thanks guys . . . I feel like this is a really great group of people, and I don't open up super often about my background . . . but I'm glad it's been beneficial to the conversation =) Congratulations on your 15 years Ezra, I know it's not easy by any stretch of any imagination.

    Music is a passion of mine. I dabble (and by dabble, I mean fumble around on the fretboard until the chords sound in any way palatable) with guitar and piano, but I was a clarinetist for 10 years through school, and I'm quite enamored with singing as well. I'm actually hoping to join a friend of mine at a local coffee house tomorrow evening in a guitar/vocals duo (not me playing guitar, thank Chuck Norris!), and I'm always singing by my lonesome because I tend to get nervous in front of others.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  9. Yes, I think that was me, saying how badly I need a new iPod... Here's hoping I've been good enough this year for Santa to bring me what I want instead of the lump of coal... lol
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  10. So, I have been procrastinating on responding to this particular thread, although I’m not really sure why… I think it’s the idea of attempting to sum a life’s worth of experiences into a relatively few lines that seems to be nagging at me and forcing me to think too much as to what the relevant experiences were that contributed to shaping me into the person I am today. The truth of it though is that they’re all relevant … That being said, I know I’m going to leave a lot out, but, I figure I will type what comes to mind now that it’s after midnight and my mind has officially turned to mush due to exhaustion…

    I too was born to a young mother, and while she and my father were married when they had me, he was in the military so he was usually out to sea. They divorced before I hit double digits and for many many years he was all but completely absent from my life. During this time, my mother had a myriad of boyfriends that came in and out of her life. All well meaning, but, none capable of take on an independent woman and her extremely strong willed daughter. For many years I was blamed for breaking up my mothers relationships, but, even now, looking back I disagree with that. When I was a teenager, my mothers then boyfriend gave her the choice of it being “him” or “me”. Well, my mother had to think about it, so, I didn’t give her the opportunity to make up her mind. I moved out a week later to my fathers home to live with a man or was more or less a stranger to me at the time. We ended up becoming friends, but, to this day I do not have a typical father/daughter relationship with him.

    As for my sexual development, I was always a very sexually curious child. I remember my mother bringing me to the doctor when I was 5 years old and asking the doctor why on earth I was masturbating so young… When I realized that she thought there was something “wrong” with this, I started hiding it better. LOL I lost my virginity at 13 to my high school sweetheart and never looked back. While I always had fantasies, my boyfriend at the time was strictly vanilla… I remember being 14 and watching A Clockwork Orange. My boyfriend was horrified by most of the movie. I on the other hand was extremely turned on. He couldn't understand why I kept wanting to watch that movie when I would go visit him, but I never did tell him the real reason because he had made his disgust with it so evident. It wasn’t until my early 20s that I was slowly introduced into BDSM and the wonderful sexual possibilities.

    I have always looked to men in my life to be leaders. I suppose this could be attributed to the lack of male leadership during my formative years, but, in all honesty, I try not to psychoanalyze myself too often… Just leads to the lack of sleep that has prompted such a long winded reply to this post… lol
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  11. subspace

    subspace Member

    It would be a vary sad commentary on our part if we can talk openly about every detail of our intimate and personal sex lives and yet feel it inappropriate to discuss how we all managed to get here.
    We may be reluctant to share some aspects of our lives due to embarrassment or because it may change our carefully crafted images, but all of those aspects help paint the picture of who we are and bring us closer as a community of people who genuinely care for each others happiness and well-being.......I hope.
  12. BecomingMichelle

    BecomingMichelle New Member

    Well, since everybody else is sharing...(chronic traumatic experiences ahead)

    I wasn't really born to young parents, but my earliest years of life were spent watching my parents argue and fight. After my parents divorced when I was 4, my father committed suicide. Took me years to realize I was lied to and that it wasn't my fault. That next year, my mom got hooked on drugs and turned to prostitution, leaving me to pretty much fend for myself. Her boyfriend was her pimp and drug dealer. After that initial year, he decided that I wasn't doing my fair share, so after he raped me for a while (I suppose to "open me up". bear in mind I was 6 years old, *maybe* 7), he started pimping me out to some of his clients, often dressing me up as a little girl and usually tying me to the bed in some way.

    I know that a good portion of why I'm bi, why I'm a crossdresser, why I'm in to bondage, and why I am mostly submissive is because of the year I spent in that manner. Believe me, lots of therapy was involved, but I'm to the point now where I am happy with myself. I look at the pleasure I get now as payment for all the pain of my childhood.

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