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So, I have been procrastinating on responding to this particular thread, although I’m not really sure why… I think it’s the idea of attempting to sum a life’s worth of experiences into a relatively few lines that seems to be nagging at me and forcing me to think too much as to what the relevant experiences were that contributed to shaping me into the person I am today. The truth of it though is that they’re all relevant … That being said, I know I’m going to leave a lot out, but, I figure I will type what comes to mind now that it’s after midnight and my mind has officially turned to mush due to exhaustion…
I too was born to a young mother, and while she and my father were married when they had me, he was in the military so he was usually out to sea. They divorced before I hit double digits and for many many years he was all but completely absent from my life. During this time, my mother had a myriad of boyfriends that came in and out of her life. All well meaning, but, none capable of take on an independent woman and her extremely strong willed daughter. For many years I was blamed for breaking up my mothers relationships, but, even now, looking back I disagree with that. When I was a teenager, my mothers then boyfriend gave her the choice of it being “him” or “me”. Well, my mother had to think about it, so, I didn’t give her the opportunity to make up her mind. I moved out a week later to my fathers home to live with a man or was more or less a stranger to me at the time. We ended up becoming friends, but, to this day I do not have a typical father/daughter relationship with him.
As for my sexual development, I was always a very sexually curious child. I remember my mother bringing me to the doctor when I was 5 years old and asking the doctor why on earth I was masturbating so young… When I realized that she thought there was something “wrong” with this, I started hiding it better. LOL I lost my virginity at 13 to my high school sweetheart and never looked back. While I always had fantasies, my boyfriend at the time was strictly vanilla… I remember being 14 and watching A Clockwork Orange. My boyfriend was horrified by most of the movie. I on the other hand was extremely turned on. He couldn't understand why I kept wanting to watch that movie when I would go visit him, but I never did tell him the real reason because he had made his disgust with it so evident. It wasn’t until my early 20s that I was slowly introduced into BDSM and the wonderful sexual possibilities.
I have always looked to men in my life to be leaders. I suppose this could be attributed to the lack of male leadership during my formative years, but, in all honesty, I try not to psychoanalyze myself too often… Just leads to the lack of sleep that has prompted such a long winded reply to this post… lol
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