Coming out of a BDSM relationship into a more reserved one

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Gatolegato, May 6, 2013.

  1. Gatolegato

    Gatolegato New Member

    Okay, some background my last relationship which was over a year long she was very into for a lack of better words rape fantasy? not sure if that's what it was but i did enjoy it and now that im moving into another relationship with a girl who is from a much more reserved background and as we start moving into intimacy i am nervous because i caught myself slipping into old habits and had to stop myself any suggestions/help?
     
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  2. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    First I'd suggest figuring out if that kind of 'consensual forced sex' is something you need. Is it one of your kinks or was it one of your ex-girlfriend's kinks that you enjoyed?

    Either way you probably should talk to her about it. In any relationship but especially bdsm influenced ones(one partner is vanilla and the other is into kink and wants to introduce it) communication and honesty with yourself and the other person(s) is important.

    If the forced sex play isn't something you need. Then sit down and talk to her about your ex-girlfriend. Make sure you calmly explain that it was something she wanted, that you were ok with it, and because your relationship had lasted so long you grew accustomed to it. Also, make sure to make it clear that it isn't something you need, that your not asking her to do those things with you, but that you have some sexual habits that might pop up and you don't want her freaked out by it. I'd suggest introducing a safeword just in case. Explain it properly, that shes to use it if you do something she can't stand or doesn't like at all and that when she does you'll stop immediately and talk about it. That way you can 'retrain' yourself.

    If forced sex play is something you need. Then maybe try introducing it incrimentally. Start of with some small vanilla-ish aspect of it. Maybe in the middle of sex you can wrap your arms around her and pin her arms to her side and just fuck her hard from behind. Keep and eye on her though, if its something she doesn't seem to like back off immediately. After trying it out cuddle and talk about it afterwards. Ask if it was alright, explain its something you wanted to try, and that if she didn't like it that you won't do it again. If she thought it was fine or even liked it ask if it'd be alright if you tried some things next time. Make sure she knows you'd always immediately stop if she didn't really like it.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yes, have an honest, open conversation with her. If you're basically kinky and think you'll be unhappy without some kink in your relationship, it's best to find out now if she shares those interests or if she'll be open to exploring them. On the other hand, if kink is optional fun for you, it might be good to let her know that your previous gf really liked you being aggressive with her. That way, if you slip into old habits with her, she'll be more likely to accept an apology if you cross a line by accident.
     
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  4. darknova42

    darknova42 Member

    Another thing I wanted to point out as a possibility is possible past trauma on her part.

    This is a new relationship for you so you're still learning things about her. People who've had trauma in their past specifically of a sexual abuse nature can and often do have 'triggers' that can affect them negatively. Sometimes even sending them into a panic attack or ptsd flashbacks.

    I'm not saying this is true in her case, but if it is, you wouldn't want to slip up and accidently set off something that'll have such a strong negative effect on her. Its why talking to her is so very important, because this is just one of the extreme possibilities.

    Hell, for all you know she might be a Domme and want to string your balls up for some CBT. ;P
     
  5. Gatolegato

    Gatolegato New Member

    okay thanks for that help so to answer these questions (and some of the others on your other post) I enjoy the dominance in the bedroom if not the forced play scenario hell my ex had to push some very specific buttons to get me to do that in the first place but i had this conversation with my ex already but im still learning what my tastes are, as for her history she doesn't have any and that's what makes me the most nervous.

    P.s wth is CBT?i dont know all the terms yet
     
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    CBT=cock and ball torture. Things like cock slapping, ball slapping, cock bondage, and clothespins on the cock and balls
     

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