change in behavior

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by drkangl87, Dec 3, 2010.

  1. drkangl87

    drkangl87 New Member

    if you're whipping someone (or doing anything for that matter) to your sub and they all of a sudden get quiet would you worry?
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's a reason to pay close attention, at the very least. They may have gone into subspace, or they might be having a very intense emotional experience, a flashback or something else comparable.

    A few weeks ago I was playing a very experienced boy, whom I had played with a couple times before. I was torturing his nips and was really taking him to his limits. We played, he safeworded out, and we relaxed. 15 minutes later, I started working his tits again, he responded enthusiastically, so we went further than before until he safeworded again. We cuddled for a while and then I started up again. We went further still, and this time he started to get incoherent. I asked him what his safeword was and he just mumbled unintelligibly. I couldn't tell if he was blissed out, but he clearly couldn't safeword, so I decided to stop play to make sure that I wouldn't go too far.

    So is it a cause for worry? Not necessarily. Is it a reason to pause play and make sure the sub is ok? Yes. If the sub has never done this before, it might be a sign of a break through. It could be a sign of a repressed memory surfacing. It could be a lot of things. If you've never played with the sub before, it might just be the sub's normal m.o.. But always err on the side of caution with pain play.
  3. drkangl87

    drkangl87 New Member

    thanks seb, what about when the sub starts to cry or is on the verge of tears? does that fall under the same lines of err on the side of caution? cause i know for me there have been a few times where i've teared up but i didn't want to stop and i couldn't figure why i was starting to tear up.
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  4. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    You need to start using the color system
    Yellow-(not so hard)
    Red-stop playing
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Jey's right. Using safewords like that will help you know when the sub is experiencing something intense but enjoying it enough to keep going, and when the sub has run into something distressing and needs to be comforted instead of pushed further.

    Bdsm play can awaken all sorts of intense feelings. Simply because they are intense doesn't mean they are unpleasant. Flogging a sub (or whatever other type of play you're doing) may help the sub open a door to feelings that were long closed off, so even if the sub is crying, s/he may feel deep relief at finally being able to express something that's been closed away. And because bdsm can get very primal, the sub can experience very confusing mixtures of feelings: happy and sad, afraid and triumphant, relaxed and angry.

    A few months ago, my bondage mentor was teaching me, and he tied me up in a chair and starting torturing my tits. Bondage tends to make me anxious, so I usually keep my feelings closed down in that situation, but I love having my tits worked, and he was doing an excellent job with them. Suddenly, I began to get angry and growl. He sensed something important was happening, so he kept going, and I began to growl, snarl, and try to bite him. My normal anxieties (and my usual analytical side) receded and I just dropped into this very animalistic state. It was exhausting, and I loved it, even though at the time the primary emotion I was feeling was anger. Since then, my 'beast' (as I call it) surfaces regularly when I dom. It never gets out of control, and it's not angry when I'm in charge; instead, it wants to luxuriate in the power of hurting someone. So that one session with my mentor opened a door into a huge and marvelous part of me that has become an important part of my dom persona.

    The boy that I mentioned before has given me a number of quite profound experiences with him; somehow I take him to places that no other dom has taken him to. Once I reduced him to tears by using a slapper on his ass. Yesterday, when I added an electric toothbrush to the slapper (alternated beating his ass and running the toothbrush over it), he literally began spasming, shaking so hard he could hardly control himself. After playing that way for a while I rolled him over and started slapping his balls, and he proceeded to have the most violent orgasm I've ever seen (thrashing all over the place like a seizure). He was unable to talk for several minutes and just lay there shuddering, and at one point nearly had a second totally unaided orgasm. I asked him twice if he was ok, and he nodded yes, so I just let him ride that wave and gently talked to him.

    My point here is that subs can have very intense reactions to bdsm. Sometimes it's new even to them. And their reactions can very from scene to scene. What this means is that bdsm is unpredictable, and a wise dom makes allowance for that. So use safewords and if your sub starts doing something you haven't seen before, ask him/her for a color check (using the system Jey mentioned). If the sub can't respond with a clear Green, slow down or call a halt.

    And even if the sub says Green but your instincts say otherwise, slow down. You don't have to go anywhere that you're scared to go with your sub. The first time my boy started to spasm yesterday, I thought "shit! What if he's having a heart attack or something similar?" So I backed off, held him close (to reduce the risk of him being hurt and to increase the sensation of being restricted, and I have to say, feeling him shudder was very arousing), and just whispered to him until the shuddering stopped. Then I went back to what I was doing. Ever time the shuddering got intense, I stopped. After 3 or 4 cycles like that, I decided that was enough for one day. I didn't want to push him too hard, since I was pretty sure this was new to him as well. Next time we play, I'll probably go a little harder on him, because we both have learned that he can take it.

    Another thing to understand is that pain play releases endorphins into the body, to help the body cope with the pain. When those endorphins rise, they cause feelings of euphoria (this is the same thing as 'runner's high'). So even when the sub is experiencing negative feelings like shame, anger, and fear, the sub's body is experiencing pleasure. Thus a sub can easily be happy and crying at the same time.
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  6. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    Seb you are a walking wikipedia I enjoy reading your posts!
  7. drkangl87

    drkangl87 New Member

    thanks guys, i appreciate it
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Jey: thanks! But I hope I'm a little more accurate.
  9. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I know you're a professor seb and I'm sure you dont want your students to use it but wikipedia can be great!!
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Silly: yeah, that's certainly part of the issue. And believe me, I'm painfully aware of all the ways that Wikipedia can be less than great. I have a colleague who teaches a class on the French Revolution, and he did an assignment where the class as a whole was responsible for rewriting the entry on Marie Antoinette, because it was filled with all sorts of misinformation. I said, "Wow! That's a great assignment. What did you do the next year?" And he said "The same thing. The entry was all screwed up again by that point."
  11. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Excellent question angel -

    This has brought up things I hadn't even considered.

    Wish we could fold this into the beginners FAQ.

    Very good points.... again, Sebastian
  12. drkangl87

    drkangl87 New Member

    okay here's a question concerning behavior, have any of you (Doms specifically) ever experienced that feeling where you just aren't feeling it whatever it is you're doing to your sub, like that "fire" i guess is gone and you don't know why but it's just not there?

    sorry if it seems like a stupid question

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