Caught In Between

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by hopefulsub, May 4, 2010.

  1. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

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    I've been in a relationship with a guy for two years and I have recently realized I want to be his sub. I don't really know how to break the news to him. I started by easing into it, suggesting we get a collar and leather cuffs for random play. It had caused some slight issues, but overall he said it was his favorite way to have me. However, he likes to change things up and hasn't adopted a full time attitude towards being my master. I love him, and nothing makes me happier than serving his needs and I'd love to start it full time.

    I guess my question is where do I take it from here? Do I let that side show only when he's in the mood for it, or should I talk to him about making it permanent?

    thanks for the help
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    DO IT

    Where do you want to take it?! Figure it out and then take it there, don't beat around the bush, let him know what's what. You want to wear a fish costume? Tell him you want to wear a fish costume. Don't be like "fish are really great. I like fish a lot"

    Unless being coy is your way of starting conversation.

    Seriously, lurk around and read some older post becuase I swear every week there's someone new and the answer to their question is always "talk to your partner and it will work out"
    Well not always. But, I think you understand

    EDIT: hello! welcome! We love new people! <3
  3. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

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    I want to, and this weekend we're going away for a night. I was thinking of doing it then, but what if he freaks out? I just don't want my desire to ruin what we have. I know he likes what we have, and I'd feel guilty (as a sub would too) if I made him unhappy.

    Why's it so hard to ask to be a slave??? You'd think a guy would take it in a heart beat! Thank you for responding. It was hard to work up the courage to make an account here lol
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    what if he freaks out?
    Just keep it simple.

    If you're worried, it might be a little too much to say "I want to be your sex slave"
    maybe it would be better to say "I'm really interested in domination and submission, I think we should try it"

    he's not going to break up with you just because you have interesting bedroom ideas
  5. sluttysub

    sluttysub Member

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    Wecome to the site! Your situations sounds very much like mine (at least yours will go for the collar and handcuffs! :p ). We've been married for almost 6 years and I've struggled with the desire to be a sub for quite some time. We had worked some kink into our sex life, but even with that little bit, I was getting mixed signals. I did try to sit down and have the conversation about my desire to have a D/s relationship and unfortunately it didn't go as well as I had hoped. He was stuck on the image of bdsm and not the reality of the relationships really work. However, I didn't give up, I just realized I needed to go about it a different way. I knew the aspects that bothered him and those that he would most likely be open to. For instance, inflicting pain is an issue for him. He felt that the relationship was more abusive than anything. I needed to steer him away from that and show him the more emotional aspects of D/s relationships, I needed him to look past everything the internet (or rather, porn sites) depicts and and to focus on the love and trust behind it all. For me, the easiest way to do this was to write him a letter, this way I could put it all out there clearly and without getting flustered. I focused on my desire to be dominated physically and mentally. I explained my need to submit to him in every way. I barely touched on the other aspects, knowing that for him, this would be the easiest way to introduce him to the lifestyle. He took to it very well. He has stepped it up a little in the bedroom, although he's still not as consistant in our daily life as I would like. Although, to be fair, it's only been a week. I'm doing my best to be patient as he gets his feet wet and discovers the full potential of his dominant side. I have a feeling though, that as time goes one, we'll do just fine. We have a lot of growing, learning and exploration to do together. That's half the fun! :)

    I'm giving you a link to my post with information about the letter, it's the second to last post on the page. It may help to give you some ideas for a starting point (whether it's through a letter or conversation). You'll have to do what works best for the two of you. My biggest advice though is this, if he's already a little hesitant, go in easy. Coming straight out saying you're really into bdsm and want him to tie you up and beat you may not come across as well as you'd like. ;) Play up the good point, showing him how well this will benefit him, and don't forget to build him up as you're doing this. You definitely don't want to give him the impression (even though this wouldn't be your intention) that he's doing something wrong or that you're not happy.

    Good luck, I hope it goes well for you! :)
  6. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    slp - wasn't it you that recommended that "Bondage for nice guys" site. It was very good at explaining some things without making the sub look like a pain freak or a hard core masochist. Might keep a new guy from freaking out.

    hopeful - sluttysub's reference is highly recommended.
  7. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    I was in the same boat. Married 3yrs and just now working a little kink into the bedroom. I have told her almost everything in a few long talks. Then I stepped off and am letting her find her pace to keep it going. We are slowly doing more and more. It used to be that she hated everything about it, but after we discussed it she has been tying me up and having fun with it.

    As for the 24/7 stuff, that will come later. At her pace. I have worked in a few things though, like I can't eat much until she gets off work 5hrs after I do and I have to ask to orgasm. I want more than that, but it will all come in time. The dom sets the pace.

    Good luck and welcome to the forum. I'm somewhat new here too, but everyone is welcoming and nice!

  9. Click here for more.
    I read this guideline (for the female) and am hopefully going to have the wife read it today and talk it over with her. Its an awesome guide!
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Here on the good ship SMplace, Sillylittlepet is the Communications officer. She consistently advocates for it, and she's always right. And she's right about this being a very common question. Browse through this section of the forum and read previous posts on this issue, because they always contain good ideas and information, and seeing how others have dealt with it will help you. In particular, Sluttysub is a very good example of how effective communication is getting over her partner's opposition.

    If Silly is the Communications Office, I think I'm the Ship's Psychologist ( and Safety Officer). Figure out what your bf thinks SM is about, and correct his mistaken ideas. Let's say you want to be tied up and spanked. So you say, "Please tie me up and spank me." What you mean is "Show me you love me by doing something that I will find sexually exciting and satisfying." Unless he's open-minded, what your bf may hear is something closer to "Show me that you hate me by abusing me." He doesn't hate you, so he can't understand why you would want him to do it. So make sure that he understands that what you are offering him is a voluntary exchange of power in a situation of love.

    Unless he's naturally quite dominant, it will take him a while to understand what's going on in your head. He'll hesitate to go as far as you want, because he'll be thinking "Wow. I'd hate it if someone did THIS to me, so there's no way that she'll accept it." And he wont know that THIS is something you've been fantasizing about for months. Subs and vanilla people speak very different languages when it comes to this stuff, so never assume that he knows what you want unless you've discussed it very openly and you know that he understands. Remember that d/s play involves a paradox that what appears to be happening on the outside is very different from what is happening on the inside. At the moment, even if he's part of your scene, he's still mostly on the outside and hasn't mastered the emotional logic that unpleasant things can be pleasing when done in an erotic context.

    As for why it's so hard for guys to accept this, we live in a society that emphasizes the equality of the sexes. Men are constantly told that it's important to treat their women like equals and that real love can only exist between equals. So you're asking him to go against all his social conditioning. And he doesn't want to be an abuser, because abusers are evil and he knows he's not evil. What he doesn't realize is that the SM is not abuse, despite what it looks like.
  11. hopefulsub

    hopefulsub Member

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    One of my issues is how to tell him what I want, when a sub should be submissive to their master's wants. Since we started dating, I had been very open and giving. I love to give, and please him. I didn't know what I wanted was bdsm but a friend of mine I am very close to (a closet dom) brought it up to me and since then I've been hoping my bf would agree. I don't want to come out and tell him what I want from him and what I hope we can be like because I find it almost too forthright to say as a natural sub.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Hopeful, that's a very common thing with subs, but honestly it's not fair to your bf. You're essentially expecting him to be psychic, to magically know what you want without having to tell him. Even the most skilled doms can't do that with consistency, and you're looking for it from someone who doesn't even think of himself as a dom yet. The only place you're going to find a dom like that is a porn novel.

    Like Silly says, you have to communicate your desires to him. It might feel awkward, but you're going to have to do it. And you'll have to keep doing it throughout the course of the relationship. Even if he becomes a skilled dom, the two of you will have to constantly discuss what is working and what isn't and how to improve and what you want that you haven't done yet. There's just no way around this.
    Last edited: May 4, 2010
  13. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Just because you're a sub does NOT mean you have to bend to your master's each and every will.

    Sebastian said that a D/s relationship basically goes against the idea of an "equal" relationship. I respectfully disagree, because I dont believe that this has to be true.
    It is every submissive's right to have hard limits (things we will never be coaxed into doing so dont even try) just like the dominant has hard limits. A master should always be asking his/her pet if he/she is okay, if they enjoy or enjoyed the scene, what kinds of things they liked or disliked, if new ideas are exciting, etc.
    You bow down to your master's will in a safe environment that you and your master have specifically created.

    You're not even in a 24/7 master & slave relationship! The idea that you cant talk to him about what you want is ridiculous. And it will still be ridiculous when you are his submissive for real.

    (also, Seb, awesome analogy! I love it!)
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Silly, I didn't mean to say that doms and subs aren't equal at the base of the relationship. But the essence of d/s play is consensual power exchange. The dom and sub negotiate the rules of their interaction as equals, but once that's over, the Dom is superior to the sub for as long as the sub consents. On the outside, this violates our ideas about men and women being equals.
  15. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    ohhh, oh I see

    yes. okay everything he said!

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