Caught In Between


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I've been in a relationship with a guy for two years and I have recently realized I want to be his sub. I don't really know how to break the news to him. I started by easing into it, suggesting we get a collar and leather cuffs for random play. It had caused some slight issues, but overall he said it was his favorite way to have me. However, he likes to change things up and hasn't adopted a full time attitude towards being my master. I love him, and nothing makes me happier than serving his needs and I'd love to start it full time.

I guess my question is where do I take it from here? Do I let that side show only when he's in the mood for it, or should I talk to him about making it permanent?

thanks for the help
 
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sillylittlepet

Active Member

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TALK TO HIM.

TELL HIM EVERYTHING.
DON'T HESITATE
DO IT

Where do you want to take it?! Figure it out and then take it there, don't beat around the bush, let him know what's what. You want to wear a fish costume? Tell him you want to wear a fish costume. Don't be like "fish are really great. I like fish a lot"

Unless being coy is your way of starting conversation.

Seriously, lurk around and read some older post becuase I swear every week there's someone new and the answer to their question is always "talk to your partner and it will work out"
Well not always. But, I think you understand

EDIT: hello! welcome! We love new people! <3
 
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MIRROR: Download from MEGA

I want to, and this weekend we're going away for a night. I was thinking of doing it then, but what if he freaks out? I just don't want my desire to ruin what we have. I know he likes what we have, and I'd feel guilty (as a sub would too) if I made him unhappy.

Why's it so hard to ask to be a slave??? You'd think a guy would take it in a heart beat! Thank you for responding. It was hard to work up the courage to make an account here lol
 
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sluttysub

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Wecome to the site! Your situations sounds very much like mine (at least yours will go for the collar and handcuffs! :p ). We've been married for almost 6 years and I've struggled with the desire to be a sub for quite some time. We had worked some kink into our sex life, but even with that little bit, I was getting mixed signals. I did try to sit down and have the conversation about my desire to have a D/s relationship and unfortunately it didn't go as well as I had hoped. He was stuck on the image of bdsm and not the reality of the relationships really work. However, I didn't give up, I just realized I needed to go about it a different way. I knew the aspects that bothered him and those that he would most likely be open to. For instance, inflicting pain is an issue for him. He felt that the relationship was more abusive than anything. I needed to steer him away from that and show him the more emotional aspects of D/s relationships, I needed him to look past everything the internet (or rather, porn sites) depicts and and to focus on the love and trust behind it all. For me, the easiest way to do this was to write him a letter, this way I could put it all out there clearly and without getting flustered. I focused on my desire to be dominated physically and mentally. I explained my need to submit to him in every way. I barely touched on the other aspects, knowing that for him, this would be the easiest way to introduce him to the lifestyle. He took to it very well. He has stepped it up a little in the bedroom, although he's still not as consistant in our daily life as I would like. Although, to be fair, it's only been a week. I'm doing my best to be patient as he gets his feet wet and discovers the full potential of his dominant side. I have a feeling though, that as time goes one, we'll do just fine. We have a lot of growing, learning and exploration to do together. That's half the fun! :)

I'm giving you a link to my post with information about the letter, it's the second to last post on the page. It may help to give you some ideas for a starting point (whether it's through a letter or conversation). You'll have to do what works best for the two of you. My biggest advice though is this, if he's already a little hesitant, go in easy. Coming straight out saying you're really into bdsm and want him to tie you up and beat you may not come across as well as you'd like. ;) Play up the good point, showing him how well this will benefit him, and don't forget to build him up as you're doing this. You definitely don't want to give him the impression (even though this wouldn't be your intention) that he's doing something wrong or that you're not happy.
http://www.smplace.com/forum/12909-...the-talk-feeling-lost-and-confused-now-2.html

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you! :)
 
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MIRROR: Download from MEGA

I was in the same boat. Married 3yrs and just now working a little kink into the bedroom. I have told her almost everything in a few long talks. Then I stepped off and am letting her find her pace to keep it going. We are slowly doing more and more. It used to be that she hated everything about it, but after we discussed it she has been tying me up and having fun with it.

As for the 24/7 stuff, that will come later. At her pace. I have worked in a few things though, like I can't eat much until she gets off work 5hrs after I do and I have to ask to orgasm. I want more than that, but it will all come in time. The dom sets the pace.

Good luck and welcome to the forum. I'm somewhat new here too, but everyone is welcoming and nice!
 
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sebastian

Active Member

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Here on the good ship SMplace, Sillylittlepet is the Communications officer. She consistently advocates for it, and she's always right. And she's right about this being a very common question. Browse through this section of the forum and read previous posts on this issue, because they always contain good ideas and information, and seeing how others have dealt with it will help you. In particular, Sluttysub is a very good example of how effective communication is getting over her partner's opposition.

If Silly is the Communications Office, I think I'm the Ship's Psychologist ( and Safety Officer). Figure out what your bf thinks SM is about, and correct his mistaken ideas. Let's say you want to be tied up and spanked. So you say, "Please tie me up and spank me." What you mean is "Show me you love me by doing something that I will find sexually exciting and satisfying." Unless he's open-minded, what your bf may hear is something closer to "Show me that you hate me by abusing me." He doesn't hate you, so he can't understand why you would want him to do it. So make sure that he understands that what you are offering him is a voluntary exchange of power in a situation of love.

Unless he's naturally quite dominant, it will take him a while to understand what's going on in your head. He'll hesitate to go as far as you want, because he'll be thinking "Wow. I'd hate it if someone did THIS to me, so there's no way that she'll accept it." And he wont know that THIS is something you've been fantasizing about for months. Subs and vanilla people speak very different languages when it comes to this stuff, so never assume that he knows what you want unless you've discussed it very openly and you know that he understands. Remember that d/s play involves a paradox that what appears to be happening on the outside is very different from what is happening on the inside. At the moment, even if he's part of your scene, he's still mostly on the outside and hasn't mastered the emotional logic that unpleasant things can be pleasing when done in an erotic context.

As for why it's so hard for guys to accept this, we live in a society that emphasizes the equality of the sexes. Men are constantly told that it's important to treat their women like equals and that real love can only exist between equals. So you're asking him to go against all his social conditioning. And he doesn't want to be an abuser, because abusers are evil and he knows he's not evil. What he doesn't realize is that the SM is not abuse, despite what it looks like.
 
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