Can bdsm liberate me?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by lostmymind, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. lostmymind

    lostmymind New Member

    Hi all, I would like to ask some opinion about my problem.
    I can get easily aroused and really wet too, but I never actually enjoy the intercourse. As my exhusband talked about bdsm, when I masturbate I always watch bdsm porn but for real I freak out. I went to fetish clubs and it was a terrifying experience but still. I am thinking maybe I should find somebody who is patient enough to show me the aspects of bdsm and this can liberate my sexuality.
    But I also have concerns what if I am never able to enjoy "normal" sex.
    So getting way to confused as I have high sex drive but I don't know what to do with it, if I get closer to a guy it disappears and I am happy with cuddles and kisses.
    Any advice or opinion would be highly apreciated. Thank you.
     
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  2. Hi there, welcome to the board.

    Two comments:

    1. Do not assume that your lack of enjoyment of vanilla sex is in any way "your fault", or that you need extreme experiences to put it right. You already describe the fact that you are happy to kiss and cuddle, and this type of experience is more satisfying to you than sex. This is 100% normal for a woman. Don't try to fight it - it's the way you are wired up.

    2. People usually get into the BDSM scene because they already know they are turned on by it. Honestly it seems to me like you are hoping that if you find a "nice kind Dom" to lead you into BDSM then you will somehow start to enjoy sex more. I don't see that as the most likely outcome. Even if you do find a "nice kind Dom", you may then discover that it's just the fact that he's a "nice kind guy" that you like, and the BDSM actually is not what turns you on at all.


    My advice is to accept that you're a normal woman...you need love and affection from a man, and to try to find a man who can give that to you.

    Check out these tips from a relationship expert...
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbF-4LOOC5c


    If the man you find happens to be into BDSM then that's a whole new journey of discovery that you two can take together.

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Lost, I'm not entirely sure what you're telling us. If I read you correctly, you're saying that you've generally found vanilla intercourse unsatisfying. You have a high sex drive, but your sex drive declines as you find yourself getting more emotionally intimate with a man. You find BDSM porn arousing, but your visit to a fetish club was frightening to you. So BDSM arouses you but scares you at the same time, and you're worried that maybe something is wrong with you and that you'll never enjoy regular sex. Do I have that right?

    A few thoughts:
    1) Don't worry about enjoying regular sex. Focus on figuring out what sort of sex you enjoy, and then enjoy it. If that means vanilla sex, great, but if kink is what turns you on, don't worry that it's not regular sex. Lots of men and women find regular vanilla sex sort of boring for one reason or another and find kink is what really excites them. If you turn out to be one of those people, there's nothing wrong with that. So be who you are and enjoy what you enjoy.
    2) Some subs have a pattern of feeling most intimate with a partner who appears emotionally distant to them. The ones I've known have typically enjoyed serving their partner (making dinner, cleaning his house, etc) while he does something else; they like being ignored, given orders, and the like; they prefer rougher sex to more romantic sex. Does any of this sound like you? If so, you might be submissive.
    3) You use the term 'liberate my sexuality'. It sounds to me as if you know you have sexual desires that you're not quite willing to acknowledge to yourself. People with no interest in kink usually don't go to fetish clubs. So I'm wondering about this visit you made. Did you find what you saw arousing, even if it scared you, or did you just find yourself turned off? If you were turned on but scared, I think that's a sign that you have kinky tendencies. If you were totally turned off, it might be a sign that you're not kinky, or it might be a sign that you were too nervous or scared to feel aroused.
    4) Your idea of finding a patient dom to help you explore is a smart one. Your fear may be based in the reasonable concern for your physical safety. Letting a man tie you up makes you extremely vulnerable. So you would be wise to find a dom with whom you can build trust before you progress to something like bondage. You might seek a dom who will let you explore taking orders, serving him, and perhaps mild pain play (spanking, tit play, etc) before you move on to rougher things. Don't let fear completely stop you; for some subs, fear can heighten the whole experience.
    5) Your desire for cuddling and kissing is not necessarily incompatible with BDSM. You can use BDSM as a prelude to more vanilla sex, or you can use cuddling as the aftercare, to re-affirm the emotional connection and re-establish the equality that was set aside for play. It's just a matter of finding what balance of kink and cuddling works for you and your partner.
     
  4. lostmymind

    lostmymind New Member

    Thank you for the replies. I will have a lot to think about. And yes, I think I have kinky tendencies just scared to admit it, and scared to let myself go but that's why I'm here. To learn. Thanks again.
     
  5. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Sebastian and Stanley covered everything, but let me reiterate that you don't have to jump into something 'scary' to you, whether it's a kind of scene or BDSM as a whole. No one will mind if at first you want to just try bondage and/or mild spanking, and grow from there (or just stay that way).

    Also, this might not apply to you, but you said you can't come from normal intercourse- what about if you use toys during, like a clitoral vibrator, an anal plug, etc? Can you get off on penetration when you're watching BDSM porn (with toys or a partner joining you), or is it that penetration never gets you off? Although it's obvious you have some interest in BDSM, you might want to look at the explicitly sexual elements going on, if you haven't already (I wouldn't know).

    As Sebby said, cuddling and kissing don't conflict with BDSM. Not a ton of people are in 24/7 BDSM relationships compared to those who only do in the bedroom, or when they feel like it, or whatever. Usually even those dominating and submitting constantly need some shows of affection. I disagree with Stanley that it's part of being female, however.

    Last, I suggest you read the FAQ. It will give you more to think about, even if the questions in it aren't ones you need to ask.
     

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