Calm, Docile Hubby

WillingToTry · Mar 17, 2011

Hello

I figured it's about time I post. I've been trolling every new post on the "Newcomers FAQ" post for months and reading everything I can get my hands on here and other sites, though this is my all-time favorite!

Now though... it's time to get help.

Let me give you a very fast run down. Hubby and I've been married for 11 years and up until about 3 years ago, we were VERY Mormon, but have since completely gone against that (No, that may not matter... but Vanilla is a strong word for our sex life, Iâ€™ve never even given a BJ). He is former military and has experience... he's my first and only.

6 years ago I met a man that is what he jokingly calls a "Pro Dom" and has been doing this for 30+ years. I was always fascinated by his stories, and a little more than curious. He kept telling me that I'd be 'the best sub' and always said that it was a compliment. I'm a police officer, calling me a sub was... weird. I don't bow to anyone. I can out-shoot most on the force, I am tiny but can pull off that command presence we cops so love, and Iâ€™m a huge control freak. Hubby's the calm, quiet one in our relationship. He works 2 jobs right now so I do absolutely everything in the house, from paying bills, to total care of the kids, etc etc. So how does this man think I'd make a good sub? The more I read... the more I kind of see that.

So what's this long rant about? My husband. I started bringing things up a while back... "Would you ever do such-and-such" and I always got an "I guess." erm... I hate that answer. So last week I decided to go all out and I printed off this list of 264 items â€œLimit List for subsâ€... I think that's what it was called. I was shocked when I marked off 101 of those that I'd try. So I passed that list over to hubby and asked him to mark anything he'd be interested in trying on me. His list was tiny! UGH.

As the days passed though... hubby began saying things like, "You know... I wouldn't mind spanking you." It grew from there and now, he's all over this! I was surprised how much changed in just a couple of days. He just needed time to work it out in his head I think.

The problem? He can't act... he has no imagination (I love him to death, but he's very logical and technical). A lot of this seems like role-play (one of my specialties), but he's never been able to pull off a role-play. He wants to! He badly wants to! I once mentioned that I wouldn't mind having some.. forced.. vampire visit in the middle of the night. All I got was a "Damn I wish I could do that." =/

Can a Dom be trained? He won't talk to my friend... I don't know why, but he won't. I keep reading about training sessions with other Dom's, but that's for the sub and he's vetoed that (My long-time friend offered a long-distance type training for me). The more I read, the more I think I want this... and the more I can't see hubby doing the Dom thing, even if he wants to.

Pathetic? Can we be helped? I just have this image for our very first scene : I'm all in heels and hawt lingerie... he walks into the bedroom, locks the door, and then just kinda stands there, unsure what to do... I could play some, maybe back talk or admit to being naughty... but I still see him just standing there. He truly wants to give us this, but how? Can a calm, docile man learn to be a good Dom?

Sorry for the novel (Did I mention I'm a published author? I can write like the dickens!)

P.S.Eudonym · Mar 18, 2011

First of all, allow me to welcome you and express my respect for you taking it as slow as you do. However, also allow me to inform you that you need to take it slower still. Sorry about that.

Second, yes there is hope. What you describe about your husband reminds me a lot of myself in the begining. He is interested, he gets the idea and he seems to have the fantasies, but he is unsure on how to act on his impulses. All this, basically describes the "BDSM vs. Good Guy" problem.

You say your husband is very logical and technical. I can relate to that. What this should tell you is that he cannot simply jump into it. He is not that man. What he needs is to understand what is going on a logical and technical level and that means information. Right now, it seems to me, his emotions are at odds with his logic and experience. He wants to do BDSM but his entire life's experience tells him that hitting women, tying them up, forcing them to do his bidding and the like is moraly wrong. This will not change unless he reads up on the subject and understands that BDSM seeks to hurt without harming. Moreso, he needs to understand it on an emotional level and that will take time and pratice.

Allow me give you an analogue example. When my fiancÃ© first sprung her newfound BDSM interest on me I was completely unprepared. Before I knew what hit me, she asked me to choke her. To put it simply, I couldn't. I was affraid I might hurt her, I was unaware of the safe procedure and I had been taught that choking was bad all my life. I have since learned a lot about BDSM and safety protocols and consulted with a medical professional on choking, its effects, risks and the like. Now, I can grab her by the throat just the way she wants me to and not feel bad about it. I even got to somewhat enjoy it. The choking itself less than the way it turns her on, but I enjoy it none the less.
None of this would have been possible had I not sought out the knowledge that helped me to understand that my desires did not make me a bad person. Acting on them in conjuction with unwilling participants would make a bad person. That is what your husband needs to understand and internalize. And sadly, that is something you cannot help him with. This he needs to come to terms with on his own and in his own time. You can show him the door by helping him to gather information, but only he can walk through it. Be careful not to pressure him. This will only lead to him doing what you want for your sake and feeling bad inside. That way, he will never truly dominate.

I am guessing here, but the reason he won't talk to your friend could well be because he is affraid of what he might find out about himself. Realizing that you are into causing pain and force can be a very scary thing, especially if you have been raised to be a civilized person. If all you want in life is to be good but you find out that there is a dark side to yourself that you need to keep in check, supressing it is the easiest way, especially when it comes to a socially problematic topic like BDSM. I have been there myself.
Plus, consider this: as long as he refuses any contact to your friend, he can veto everything regarding the two of you on the grounds that he does not know and trust him. Once he gets to know him, those grounds disappear and he has to face the true reasons and it is quite possible he does not truly comprehend those right now.

Finally, the other dom situation. Let me put this as directly and simply as possible: DON'T. You are married and devoted to your husband. If you do it, you would be pursuing a sexual desire outside of your commited relationship. There is a term for that and that term is cheating. The only exception to this is if he gives his consent, not out of guilt or the desire to see you happy but because he truly and honstly does not mind. If you see even a tiny crack in his resolve to let this happen, do not do it. (I have been through this on your husbands end. Trust me, you do not want to walk down the road this takes the two of you.)

In the meantime, a more practical suggestion would be to try out a somewhat structured approach that appeals to the both of you. Sit down together and write down some ideas of a structured playsession. Group them in maybe threes or fours. Once you have done that, he randomizes the elements, determining an order and asigning numbers to each elements. Then, during play, he determines a stage (a group of elements) and you name a number. You then play out that element. This way he knows what could come and prepare accordingly, but you pick what comes, unknowing of what you chose. Another great thing to use in conjunction with this is to create punishment cards. Whenever he feels you did not comply with an element properly, he has you draw a card and the punishment is played out. You can also introduce reward cards for the opposite situation.
However, if you do this, make sure that he is aware that he can veto everything. Do not write a "slap my face" card and demand that he do it because you drew the card. He must explore his own limits just as you must explore yours.

Keep us informed on how it turns out and if you want, we have a lot of capable doms here who can give your husband advice if he wants to give it a shot.
Oh, and give the poor guy a blowjob if you feel your up to it. You are both missing out.

WillingToTry · Mar 18, 2011

P.S.Eudonym said:
Oh, and give the poor guy a blowjob if you feel your up to it. You are both missing out.

That made me laugh! I've offered, he said he's just not into them. I so appreciate your response and have copied it to hubby too. I loved your play session idea. He admitted one of his fears is that he'll be all Dom'y and I'll start to laugh... eeps.

Gotta say though. After posting here last night I started to wonder if hubby was doing all of this for me. I brought it up, he seemed so-so... but then he came up to me today with this elaborate drawing of some pulley system he thought up last night. Weeelll... so it's not just me!

As a side note, I would never... repeat never... cheat on hubby. This offer from the Pro Dom was a tad odd, first it was completely non-sexual, and just a 'theoretic' type course on the entire lifestyle. I should have specified that. He was talking teaching me things I could tell hubby, though he admitted it was backwards and he should be talking to him, not me, but what do you do?

Hubby mentioned today he wishes he had a mentor though, but I'm not sure how to help him find one. I told him I'd hit the boards I've been trolling and come up with an idea. He's working 2 jobs right now and won't be free of that for 13 more days.

I found a website called "Xeromag BDSM A Guide for Nice Guys" and he has the link now. I can't buy a pack of gum without researching the hell out of it, so this entire idea is still in it's early stages.

I mentioned I'm an author, in fact, I've been contacted by 3 Dom's asking if I sub because of the books... though there's no BDSM or even sex in them, so that was odd. Anyway, on one of the sites my books are on I found one about a 24.7 relationship written in blog between D and s that is extremely fascinating!

I read the book, then moved on to their blog and learned a ton. I left hubby a copy of the book last night and he said he couldn't put it down, read until 3am! So there is hope.

P.S.Eudonym · Mar 19, 2011

Well, being laughed at is a valid fear in this. After all, everyone involved knows that none of this happens without consent and that there is no real power in being a dom. Our power is entirely derrived from the sub following our orders. Once the safeword is used, its over, so doming is a balance act between what our sub wants and is willing to do and not crossing the line to make her say the safeword. Hence, it is sort of playing pretend and can feel a bit silly in the begining. Glad I made you laugh though.

About the whole cheating thing, I didn't want to accuse you. The reason I was that blatant was to make sure there were no misconceptions. Its very easy to think that "dry pratice" is fine, but ultimately, everything related to BDSM that happens between two people is motivated by sexual desires and requires a form of intimacy that, in my experience, most people consider cheating if they are not aware and on board with it. There is such a thing as emotional cheating and its very easy to hurt someone you love because its their perception that counts and not yours to determine if they are hurt. Opinions differ on this, but since you have been happily married this long, I think it is better to be save than sorry.

If he wants to hit the boards, as said, we have many capable doms here willing to give advice. So feel free to tell him he's welcome. A mentor might be premature at this stage. I'd advise him to wrap his head around the concepts first and think about moving on to a mentor then. The problem with a mentor in a dedicated relationship is that pratice sessions can easiliy verge on cheating or opening up the relationship, both of which are risky if not everyone is entirely sure they want to. On the other hand, someone to talk to and get advice from is always a good idea. Xeromag is a decent site. I disagree with a few of his opinions, but all in all it is a very good place to start.

If you want to share, post the title of that book and blog. Im always looking for more input.

WillingToTry · Mar 19, 2011

Here's the book

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/36516

It's only .99 but with 60% free you get to at least try it out first. Their blog is :

http://www.247richardandamy.com/

Hubby and I aren't interested in 24/7, but their relationship still helps in a lot of ways. I just finished SM 101 and hubby's in the middle of it too. We got the recommendation from this site also. Great book if anyone needs one.

I had to laugh, I finally told hubby last night that I'd been contacted by 3 of my readers asked about me being a sub. He laughed and said he wondered himself. I'm going to have to go back and re-read my own books to see what they're seeing.

If anyone else knows any online blogs that are similar to the one I posted, I'd love to get a link. I'm still going between "Wow, I want to try this." and "Erm... give up control???" Blogs seem to help but they are more personal (though I hesitate to trust anything I read on the net).

I'm dl'ing the New Bottoming Book and Consensual Sadomasochism onto my Kindle right now. Those were recommended on this site too and I'm looking forward to starting one with the morning coffee.

sebastian · Mar 20, 2011

WTT, yes, doms can be trained. And mentoring can help a lot; I've learned a ton from my mentor.

So, the most important quality for a dom is confidence. Once your husband finds the confidence to take charge, he will grow and develop. In my opinion, the best place to start is with control. Tell him that he gets to have control over your sex life. He gets to have sex whenever he wants, wherever he wants, in whatever position or with whatever sex act he wants. (Within whatever limits you're willing to set, so you can tell him in advance that you don't want to do anal, or water sports, or whatever). Most guys like the idea of getting sex when they want it, and once he gets it into his head that he really gets to have sex however he wants, he will probably start feeling more dominant and in control, and will start exerting power more readily and more naturally.

Another thing he probably needs is encouragement that he's doing things right. Male doms typically have some performance anxiety (Am I pulling this off? Do I look like the mean dom I want to be? etc.), so you need to help him feel like he's doing a good job. When he's domming you, play into it: when he's doing something right sexually, play up your enjoyment by moaning or squirming enough that he knows he's getting a response from you (don't fake an orgasm or whatever, but give him a bit more than you might actually feel). This will help him realize that he's doing it right. Most guys tend to do things that they know will work, and are less likely to do new things that they don't know will work. After you're done with a scene, tell him what you liked, give him a suggestion for something he could have done better, and maybe suggest something new to try. But do it in a way that emphasizes what he's doing right. After a while, he'll start feeling more authentically dominant, and then things will start coming naturally to him, and he'll start finding his dom persona.

Another thing to do is some low-risk 'workshopping'. Do a talk fantasy: the two of you lie down and talk out a fantasy scenario. In the fantasy either of you can take the scene anywhere you want, but you have to go with whatever the other suggests (in other words, you can't veto anything. If he tells you that he's gonna cum on your face, you have to accept it in the scene). You can stroke each other as you're talking, but don't actually play out the scene. Then when the scene is done, talk about what parts of it you enjoyed and what you might want to try out physically. This will allow both of you to explore fantasies in a low-risk setting. Then later one, he can try out some of the bits physically, knowing that you are curious to try them

WillingToTry · Mar 20, 2011

Sebastian thanks! Great ideas and I appreciate the response. We're still both studying and decided not to try anything yet, but your last idea would be something we could do now to just see what's up. I should rephrase that... I'm still studying, after the book SM 101 I think hubby's ready to give it a go.

We were trying to find a local group of people maybe like us just to talk to and visit with, though we're probably not much into the party type idea. So far we've only found 3 gay/lesbian groups but nothing hetero, though we're still searching.

WillingToTry · Mar 20, 2011

sebastian said:
In my opinion, the best place to start is with control. Tell him that he gets to have control over your sex life. He gets to have sex whenever he wants, wherever he wants, in whatever position or with whatever sex act he wants.

Ok, so I figured this was something he and I could do now, while we're still reading and searching on what's available.

You'll probably find this funny... I read this around 6am. By 10am I had decided it's where I wanted to go.

By 2pm I had everything figured out!

I had 'code words' (we have kids)
I had the dates (We'll try this from XX/XX/2011 - XX/XX/2011)
I had hours listed "So from Friday at 5pm - Sunday 9pm it's in effect"
I had rules "I need x amount of notice."
I had stipulations (No vibrating toys while the kids are awake, etc).
I had location limits (No upstairs bedroom during the day).

Then it hit me... like a ton of bricks... I shouldn't really have a say in any of that lol Yes, I'm slow at this.

You'll be proud! I did the simple, "Hey, Honey. Starting now... you have 100% control over our sex life... have at it." I saw a grin pass over his face that I've never seen in our 11 years of marriage!

I may learn this sub thing yet.

sebastian · Mar 22, 2011

Willing, subs are permitted to set limits; in fact for a novice sub it's fairly important to have them. But letting a sub have too many limits can also cause problems, such as 'topping from below" (in which the sub tries to control the scene). Your limits seem reasonable ones to me, especially given that neither of you has done this before, but if you think they will interfere, what you did is probably reasonable.

Having said that, you absolutely need to establish a safe word. At this stage in the game, you have to be able to stop play if you start feeling overwhelmed or he does something you really don't like.

WillingToTry · Mar 22, 2011

I should have specified... I do have limits and a 264 item list of 'will' or 'won't' dos. However, I micromanage everything... my life, his life, the kids, my work, my office, etc. We also have safewords established (or 3 of them I should say), but we're still a ways off from trying anything more than turning our sex life over to him.

I did catch him reading up on rope tying, so he's more into it than I even imagined.

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