(brief intro and my issue:New Dom w/online sub

ct0304 · Oct 23, 2013

I am twenty five years old, and live in a small town. I am currently caring for both my mother and grandmother who suffered strokes so my social life in this podunk town is suffering. I have always been a quiet, less than confident person because I was born with a facial deformity and girls would immediately write me off.

I became a Dom about 2 years ago and had an experienced submissive who lives a distance away and i cant drive due to being legally blind (but see out of one eye) so she was my slave online and went on cam. She helped me out and eased me into being a Dom and was a great teacher. She had been a Domme in the past but found she enjoyed being a sub more. Due to a flood that ravaged my town i had no power for two weeks and then came the cleanup which made it so i couldn't get online for over a month so I was able to get on one night and released her because I didn't know how long before i'd be able to get on and that wouldn't of been fair to her. We still talk and she is in a committed relationship.

That brings me to now. I have been sorta down and lonely as of late. Nothing serious, just cabin fever more or less. But I was starting to just feel like I was never going to find anyone who could see that I had so much more to me besides my appearance. Then came Andy. I go on the 3D chat client IMVU its where I met my first sub. Since my first sub I had not been able to find a sub who wanted to go out of IMVU and onto AIM or Skype. She PC'd me, we had chatted in the past but yesterday her and I really hit it off and she enjoyed our time together and I asked if she'd be willing to go on skype, and once on skype we talked a bit longer where she agreed to be my sub, and we are in the midst of a week trial to determine if we are a good fit.

So far so good. As this is my second sub, and I want it to go well and worry that my kind disposition (cant help it) is a bad thing because I cant help being a gentleman. Also are their any others who have had subs or slaves online who can give me tips?

EDIT: I felt weird telling what I've done so far, because I didn't want to be pervy and give TMI and weird people out....But then I went and read some posts so with that being said.

I have had her take her top off as soon as she agreed to be my sub.

Had her naked and on my orders, (how hard or fast to go and when to stop) i had her use her 6 inch dildo on herself allowed her to cum once but for the remainder of the night I forced her to the brink of cumming and pull out causing her to wine and beg me to let her finish but once I told her if she kept it up she'd be punished she stopped.

I wanted to get her to get out of her comfort zone a bit she had told me she only put fingers in her so I ordered her to take her dildo and push it in and after a minute or so she had it completely in and I had her pull it out and insert it repeatedly. I told her no panties today and she obeyed, and then she told me she had a few toys and long story short had her walking around today with anal beeds all the way in her ass that according to her she never did before and it hurt but she did it.)

But I am worried that Im going to bore her if i make her do the same thing over and over and am unsure what more to have her do.

GentlemanJay · Oct 23, 2013

Not really sure I can help but will give you my thoughts for what they are worth...hopefully those with more experience will bother to give you advice.
Being a gentleman does not stop you from being a Dom...not all Doms are strict some are sensual. And if you are worried of boring her then talk to her find out what she is into...what she wants to try. From what you write it sounds like you are doing fine. Best wishes.

sebastian · Oct 23, 2013

I tend to be a bit skeptical of online power exchange, so I can't give you a ton of advice on how to make that work. But I can say that domming doesn't require you to be a complete asshole. Being a demanding asshole can be very fun during a scene, but it's very hard to build a stable dom/sub relationship that way. Most good doms are very considerate of their sub's needs. So being a gentleman is probably an asset to being a dom.

There are many different models for being a dom and they 'feel' different--compare a drill sergeant to a sadistic torturer, for example. There are definitely ways to build your dom persona around being gentlemanly. Think about all those sauve vampires on sees in movies and TV shows, for example. For example, a gentleman dom can require his sub to be very stereotypically feminine ("I'll take you to dinner and order your food, and I expect you to dress in a very sexy dress so I have something to look at. Sit here and look pretty.") He can be very paternal and treat his sub as a child ("I have to spank you because you were disobedient, but this will hurt me more than it will hurt you").

If you want people to look past your deformity, it will help to develop a strong sense of style and fashion. Being a snappy dresser can go a very long way. Working out and buffing up might help as well. Things like that will help you stand out as having obvious positive qualities even if you have a clear negative quality. It's the same reason that short guys often buff up. Yes it sucks that you have to overcompensate, but my attitude has always been that you have to accept the hand life dealt you, but you can strategize how you play the hand. One of the most interesting NPR segments I ever heard was about a woman who was born missing one arm below the elbow. She got so good at distracting people from it and drawing attention away from her prosthetic that she had guys have sex with her without realizing she was missing an arm. She became a dancer and actress and only revealed her limitation to a director after she won the audition. So don't let your handicap in this area stop you. Yes it's an issue you need to deal with, but you don't have to let it stop you from having a satisfying relationship (although obviously some people will refuse to look past your disability and rule you out just cuz). And I think that the BDSM community is a little more accepting than society as a whole. There are lots of chubby doms and subs out there who get plenty of action, for example.

ct0304 · Oct 24, 2013

I think I"m doing well developing a connection with her, but am a somewhat wiseass asshole when she does something wrong and I order her to do things she doesn't like. She will wine a bit and ask if she has to and i just smirk and say something like "keep it up and it'll be worse" Thank you for everything you said because it is a big help, especially the end. After we had talked online and we were about to skype I told her, I have to warn you I'm not conventionally attractive and showed her what I looked like and she was like I dont care appearance doesnt mean anything to me. I was suprised when she and i skyped she is beautiful

sebastian said:
I tend to be a bit skeptical of online power exchange, so I can't give you a ton of advice on how to make that work. But I can say that domming doesn't require you to be a complete asshole. Being a demanding asshole can be very fun during a scene, but it's very hard to build a stable dom/sub relationship that way. Most good doms are very considerate of their sub's needs. So being a gentleman is probably an asset to being a dom.

There are many different models for being a dom and they 'feel' different--compare a drill sergeant to a sadistic torturer, for example. There are definitely ways to build your dom persona around being gentlemanly. Think about all those sauve vampires on sees in movies and TV shows, for example. For example, a gentleman dom can require his sub to be very stereotypically feminine ("I'll take you to dinner and order your food, and I expect you to dress in a very sexy dress so I have something to look at. Sit here and look pretty.") He can be very paternal and treat his sub as a child ("I have to spank you because you were disobedient, but this will hurt me more than it will hurt you").

If you want people to look past your deformity, it will help to develop a strong sense of style and fashion. Being a snappy dresser can go a very long way. Working out and buffing up might help as well. Things like that will help you stand out as having obvious positive qualities even if you have a clear negative quality. It's the same reason that short guys often buff up. Yes it sucks that you have to overcompensate, but my attitude has always been that you have to accept the hand life dealt you, but you can strategize how you play the hand. One of the most interesting NPR segments I ever heard was about a woman who was born missing one arm below the elbow. She got so good at distracting people from it and drawing attention away from her prosthetic that she had guys have sex with her without realizing she was missing an arm. She became a dancer and actress and only revealed her limitation to a director after she won the audition. So don't let your handicap in this area stop you. Yes it's an issue you need to deal with, but you don't have to let it stop you from having a satisfying relationship (although obviously some people will refuse to look past your disability and rule you out just cuz). And I think that the BDSM community is a little more accepting than society as a whole. There are lots of chubby doms and subs out there who get plenty of action, for example.

sebastian · Oct 24, 2013

It's important to realize that most of the people out there having sex and finding love do not fall into society's rather strict and arbitrary standard of what is beautiful. Most of us have features that would put us outside that standard--I'm a little overweight, past my mid-40s, and greying, but I get lots of guys hitting on me, especially younger guys looking for a daddy. And there are lots of people out there who are attracted to people outside the standard--lots of guys like chubby men or women, lots of guys like scrawny twink guys, and lots of men and women like older men and older women. Some people are attracted to a specific body part (ass, tits, arms, etc) and will overlook less desireable parts if their key part is just right. I really need to be attracted to a guy's face, and if I am, I can accept a body that is a long way from my ideal body. And for many people, once they have learned to eroticize a partner in some way, the partner's body becomes a secondary issue (this is why lots of couples can stay together after they've hit middle age and their bodies start to sag).

A small percentage of people actively eroticize handicaps and deformities--people with missing limbs, people in wheelchairs, etc. People with this fetish call themselves 'devotees'. In some cases, they're only attracted to the handicap, and don't really see the rest of the person (the same way some people are attracted to police officers and can't see them as real people), but others are fully capable of loving a person with a handicap as a person, even if the handicap is what attracted them first.

So don't buy into the culture's claim that you have to have a perfect body to find love and sex. That's a line that Hollywood, the clothing industry, the make-up industry, and the fitness industry have invented to sell their products. Sure, everyone wants to be attractive by conventional standards, but think of it as a optional trait rather than a mandatory one. If you're outside that standard and can't easily reshape yourself to fit it, then just accept that you're different and you'll need to market yourself to those who attracted to your difference.

My partner of 8 years left me when I was 40. I was over the hill, overweight, and lacking in confidence. I realized that I couldn't change my age, so I accepted that I wasn't ever going to attract the gay guys who are attracted to youth. But I could change my weight, so I started working out, addressed my diet, learned how to dress better, and generally changed the things I could change. And after about a year of struggle, guys started hitting on me quite regularly. Now I get more sex than I ever did in my 20s and 30s (in part because I have a collared slave with me, but still...) and I know that I can play to my strengths as a daddy and a dom.

So figure out what your strengths are as a romantic partner and play to them. Be honest about your handicap and let it weed out the women who will never be interested in you. Trust that there are women out there who will be able to look past it, and realize that you can boost the numbers of those women if you maximize the other ways to be attractive (either physically or otherwise). I can't guarantee you'll find a permanent partner (being in a small town does sharply restrict the pool of women you can interact with), but I can guarantee you have more of a chance than you think you do right now.

(brief intro and my issue:New Dom w/online sub

ct0304

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GentlemanJay

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sebastian

Active Member

ct0304

New Member

sebastian

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