Boyfriend with questions

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by lookingtolearn, Apr 8, 2010.

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  1. lookingtolearn

    lookingtolearn New Member

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    Hi, well first I want to start this out by when I registered what did couple and trans under sex mean? I mean I only know about guys and girls, are those like some sort of mix, like hermaphrodites?

    Second off, I have a girlfriend, who's really into this sort of stuff, I mean I hadn't ever heard of any of this sort of stuff. I mean where I'm from it's relatively small and old-fashioned. I love her very much, and I want to make her happy, I mean this sort of stuff doesn't really turn me on, but it really does it for her? Can someone explain all of this to me, and tell me something I can do to make her happy, without going too far? Thanks a lot.
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    well are you two people who are a couple, wanting to share the same username? If yes then select "couple"
    Are you biologically a man/woman but are unhappy with your gender and identify with the opposite sex or get your kicks by dressing like a member of the opposite sex? If yes then select "trans". This means you are either transgendered or transexual

    Here's, like, the best advice ever.
    Talk to your girlfriend.
    Be like "honey what do you like? Be really specific"

    What sort of thing doesnt turn you on? Dominating your girlfriend? Submitting to your girlfriend? Tying her up with rope? Humiliating her? Spanking her? Talking dirty to her? Role-playing with her? BDSM is sort of a loaded term, it doesnt just mean you like to dress up in leather outfits and hit each other with paddles.

    Ask her what exactly it is she's into, decide for yourself if those are the kinds of things you can do to/with her and still be sexually satisfied, then come back when you have something to actually work with :)
    this is an awesome website, and it answered a lot of my questions when I first started

    EDIT: uuuhhhh and I'm real sorry if my posts seem harsh, cuz they're not! And I'm a nice person! honest!
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2010
  3. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    sillylittlepet is right. communication is the best way to go. barring that, theres plenty advice on things to try and things to do, as well as places to go and people to meet. don't be shy, tell her exactly what your willing to do and listen to exactly what she wants, with an open mind... then do it.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Looking, you don't indicate whether your gf wants to be dominant or submissive; I'll assume that she's asking you to be dominant. You say you're not into this sort of thing, but as Silly asks, what is it that you're not into? Most men would love the idea of being able to demand sex from their gf whenever they're in the mood for it, and would love to be to tell the gf exactly what to do and how to do it. If your gf wants you to be dominant, she's essentially offering you that. She's giving you control over when and how sex happens.

    Now, she may well want more than just you calling the shots. She might want you to tie her up, or she might want you to inflict some pain (spanking, paddling, tit torture, and so on), or she might want you to humiliate her (less common for a submissive woman than a submissive man, but still possible), or she might want you to verbally abuse her (call her a filthy whore or a skanky cunt or whatever) or she might like to roleplay through a rape fantasy or some other scene where you pretend to force her into sex. Or she might want a combination of some or all of these. But, like Silly and Sparrow said, you won't know until you ask her to tell you what she's looking for.

    Regardless of what she says she wants, she's not asking you to actually be cruel to her. She is asking you to do things to her that will arouse her, even though to a non-submissive women the same things would be cruel. So if she asks for pain, she doesn't want you to smack her with a board or whatever; she's asking you to inflict erotic pain, perhaps by squeezing her tits or biting them or something like that. Erotic pain arouses her but stubbing her toe doesn't. Same thing with bondage, humiliation, rape fantasies, verbal abuse or whatever. She wants you to do erotically-charged things that look like cruelty to others but to her are arousing.

    Once you realize that she is not asking you to actually be cruel to her, but to express your love and attraction through things like pain and abuse, you may well find that you enjoy them. You may discover that calling her a dirty bitch is exciting because it is a forbidden thing to say. You might find that pretending to rape her arouses you because you feel so much more in control of her. The key point is that she is consenting to your doing things that you would never to do to someone who wasn't consenting. Now it's possible that you will try these things and discover that you don't find them arousing; not everyone enjoys d/s play. But don't simply assume you won't enjoy them. Many traditional male fantasies are built around erotic power exchange, and if you can give yourself permission to try them with her, you may discover that you can find pleasure in them.
  5. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Yeah I think the key word here is "pretend"
    When my master abuses me, he's not actually trying to make me feel bad about myself.
    Just last night be was acting especially cruel and harsh, and then afterwards asked me if I wanted him to be more or less cruel next time, because he wanted to make sure I was still enjoying myself.
    Everything we've done together has been talked about and (to an extent) planned beforehand. He's never done anything without knowing beforehand what my feelings are about it. Okay, sometimes he exploits my soft limits. For instance I cant stand the cold feeling of ice on my skin (ugh, blarg, ughhh), so a punishment for my bad behavior was to tie me up and touch me with an ice cube. And even though I haaaattteeeee ice, I still enjoyed myself because we were having fun together!
  6. lookingtolearn

    lookingtolearn New Member

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    Well, thanks for all the advice you guys and girls have given me. She does want me to dominate her, and I mean it was kind of arousing. Thanks for all the advice, it was easier thank to you guys. Now she wants me to spank her, tie her up and to rape her. I'm not sure I can go through with any of those. I know you said I wouldn't actually be hurting her, but I still feel like I'm abusing her. Is there something I could do that would satisfy her, but that wouldn't make me feel like I'm hurting. I really love her, and when I look into her eyes, I want to make her happy more than anything, and wow I didn't realize how gay that made me sound until I reread it. Do any of you have any suggestions? Thanks a lot.

    Umm I meant no offense by the gay thing, I have nothing against gay people.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Looking, in my experience, the average gay dom is harsher to his boys than a straight dom is to his women (although there's a lot of variation here, and some straight men can be shockingly harsh). So don't assume that being soft toward your sub is 'gay'. But I take no offense.

    First thing is to go slowly. Don't try to do more than your skill level permits. If she wants bondage, start with something simple, like tying her hands behind her. Do some reading about bondage poses and knots before you go too far, because unexpected problems can come up and you don't want to hurt her. Buy a pair of EMT scissors in case you need to cut her out quickly (like if she suddenly gets a bad cramp or a body part goes numb and you're having trouble with the knots).

    If she wants spanking, start by putting her over your knee and spanking her like a child. Be playful about it so you can get used to it before you get more aggressive. As her butt starts to redden, stop periodically and caress it. Or you might do a couple slaps and then stroke it with a feather or a silk scarf or something else sensual.

    A rape scene can be very intense and very hot. It is an extremely common fantasy, to the point that even those who are not into BDSM often fantasize about raping someone or being raped. Keep in mind that the essence of real rape is sexual violence toward a victim who is unwilling. Rape is non-consensual. Your girlfriend is consenting to this, so it is not rape, no matter how much the scene might otherwise look like rape. In fact, you are doing this at her request, so it's actually the opposite of rape. But again, work up to it. Start out with a scene in which you just push her down on the bed, hold her down while you undress her, and talk about how you're gonna take whatever you want from her. Don't be violent--just talk threateningly to her. Once you get comfortable with doing that, start making it more realistic in whatever way seems best. You might dress in dark clothes and wear a ski mask and jump her in her apartment when she comes home from work (if that seems too much, you could tell her that morning that you're going to surprise her when she gets home). Or you could use a toy gun and play out a scene where you threaten to shoot her (don't use a real gun unless you know absolutely for certain it's not loaded--better yet, by a realistic-looking fake. I've even seen realistic-looking gun dildos). Tie her hands or use handcuffs (buy a real pair of cuffs from a police supply site or an army surplus store--don't use the crappy ones you can get at Hot Topic, there are lots of problems with them).

    You clearly love your girlfriend; you're pushing into something that makes you uncomfortable because she's asking you to. Most doms love their subs--even if they're not a couple, a dom and a sub frequently develop deep emotional bonds. You don't want to be a dom who doesn't care for and respect his subs--we call them psychos and assholes. The thing is that you're assuming that the only reason you would hit your girlfriend or cause her physical pain is if you were angry or hated her. In that case, spanking her or biting her would be an expression of hatred. But in an erotic context, spanking, biting, paddling, flogging or whatever is not an expression of anger or hatred; it's an expression of love. You are trying to reach a very deep part of her that is only accessible through power exchange and erotic pain. So think of spanking her and 'raping' her as a way to communicate your love to her. I sometimes use the metaphor of language. If I say "Ich liebe dich" to you, it means nothing and sounds sort of harsh. But to a German-speaker, it says "I love you." Erotic violence and pain says "I love you" in a language that your girlfriend speaks.

    Do you know about safe words? Give her a couple of them so she can stop the action if she gets uncomfortable. That way you know that until she uses a safeword, she's enjoying what you're doing. That will give you the confidence to keep going with the scene without wondering if you're actually hurting her or not.
  8. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    you are my lovely leather daddy seb ;)
    try out color system
    something like: green keep going
    yellow stop for a min
    red stop!
    think it out yourself

    and as seb suggested start with simple things and buy some toys that will make her happy
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    thanks, Jey. Still waiting for you to show up and kneel before me.

    Jey's safe words are the reliable basic ones. I also like orange: something's wrong physically (body part going numb, for example)
  10. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    i don't have money or time for such a trip right now :(
    nice idea seb we don't really use safe words but as far as i know color system is the best
    share with us how it goes
    there are lots of people who can help you out with a great advice most of them know much more then i do
  11. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    (jey, a thousand posts! whooo!!)
    -balloons and confetti-
  12. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    thank you very much :)
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Excuses, excuses...
  14. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    nope economic crisis :p
  15. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

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    not intending to hijack this thread from its original intnetions...but sebastian, I still have that photo;)

    or should I save it for hard times, when you are more upset and dissapointed and in dire need of some cheering up??:D:D:D
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