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Millie, people can burn out on bdsm play. I've read just a few references to it, but honestly don't know much about it. Sex is a complicated activity, and bdsm doubly so. L8night provided some good questions that might help us figure out what's going on. Do you have answers to any of them?
Let me add a couple of possibilities to consider:
1) He's physically tired. When one is overworked, it can really suppress libido. You say you work alongside him, so do you think he's overworked, or somehow otherwise stressed out from work?
2) He may be clinically depressed. Loss of sex drive is a common symptom of clinical depression, so hypothetically loss of interest in bdsm might also be a symptom of it. Are you having regular vanilla sex, or has his general sex drive deteriorated? Does he show other symptoms of depression (such as frequent anger or moodiness, loss of interest in other favored activities, an unusual inability to communicate his feelings, and so on)?
3) If he's not engaging in much vanilla sex, is it possible that he's suffering from erectile dysfunction? That can certainly trigger avoidance of sex, moodiness, and an unwillingness to talk about what's going on. The ability to maintain an erection has a powerful influence on the male ego, and he might be worrying that he can't perform well enough.
4) In a totally different vein, it's possible that he still desires to do bdsm, but not with you. My ex-husband wrestled with an addiction to pornography, and when he was in the throes of it, he would avoid sex with me and seek out porn to masturbate to. Ultimately, he concluded that I wasn't fat enough for him (he was a chubby chaser) and left me for someone much heavier than I was. So perhaps something has changed about his feelings for you and he doesn't want to express that deep side of himself with you. There are many possible reasons for this: have you put on a good deal of weight or otherwise changed your appearance in a way that might have left him less attracted to you? Has the emotional dynamic of your relationship shifted in a major way (for example, are the two of you quarreling a lot or butting heads over some major issue like money)? Might he be dealing with an addiction to pornography like my ex was (the thing about porn is that it promises a fantasy better than anything you can achieve in the real world, so it tends to make you dissatisfied with your actual sex life, no matter how good that is in an objective sense)? For that matter, might he be developing a drug addiction? Has something happened that might have left him feeling like he doesn't have power over you and therefore can't express his dominance (for example, are you making more money than he is)? Is it possible that he's met someone he's infatuated with or is having an affair with? These are obviously all troubling possibilities; I don't think you should obsess about them because there are other possibilities that L8night and I've already mentioned, but they are worth at least considering. Something I learned a long time ago is that when someone suddenly starts acting in a very strange way, there is often times an extreme or unusual reason for it.
My basic advice still stands. Keep talking to him. Ask him if something is bothering him and let him know that you'll love him regardless of what is going on. If he says he's tired, make arrangements for a vacation or something else he loves to help him recharge his batteries, and then see if he's willing to do some bdsm play. If he's still not, simple exhaustion isn't the reason and you'll need to probe deeper. There may or may not be a solution to this, but we'll give you as much advice as we can.
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