boyfriend no longer into bdsm why??

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by millie4820, May 24, 2010.

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  1. millie4820

    millie4820 New Member

    Hi, I was married for 16 years then divorced and subsequently found a boyfriend who was into bdsm. It was completely new to me and very fun and exciting. We would go to buy all kinds of toys, he'd tie me up, he had paddles, horse-leg wrap, devices so I'd hang from the doorway, all kinds of things. He even bought extremely costly hand and leg cuffs. We'd go to hotels and drag big bags of things and just play away. It was scary at first but then I came to like it. The thing is: we've been together for two years now and it's completely gone out of our relationship. We can't even talk about it anymore. He is completely loyal and we've just eased into a totally conventional relationship. I've brought up why we don't do those fun things anymore and he says he's tired and he loves me and doesn't need to do that anymore. I feel totally weirded out by this because it was a big part of his life, at least his fantasy life, before me and he still has friends he met through alt.com he communicates with. We had a page there and my profile ended up several times in the top five hottest pictures! Now NOTHING. Can anyone tell me if someone truly "gets over" wanting this or is something else going on?
     
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  2. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    In my experience, I have lost the desire to keep this kind of relationship with a person, but not give it up altogether.

    Did something happen your relationship that could have made him change his mind?
    Here are some examples;
    Have you betrayed him at some point?
    Have any of your sessions gotten a little more weird than normal?
    Has your body changed?
    Has your oder/scent changed?
    Did you want something that he didn't agree with or that scared him?
    Has he been in an accident?
    Fight/breakup stuff?
    Does he feel like you truly belong to him (not collared, but that you are his)?

    Did it go away abruptly, or a little over time?
    Maybe you could add some details. It really sounds like something triggered this. You just don't know what it was.

    I couldn't continue with one girlfriend/sub because she betrayed me..... At first I didn't want it (that kind of sex) because I thought I might hurt her, then after a while, I just never got the idea that she really belonged to me any more.
    But it never stopped the hunger, just the hunger for her.

    Hope this helps.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Obviously the best way to answer this question is to have a long talk with him. Tell him that you really miss this facet of your relationship and find yourself needing it. It is not unreasonable to say that your relationship with him was partially built on this play, and without you might need to reconsider how committed you are to it. Don't try to blackmail him into playing, but make it clear that you assumed that bdsm play was a basic element of the relationship, it was part of what attracted you to him.
     
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  4. millie4820

    millie4820 New Member

    I did talk with him and he says he's still interested but we haven't done anything in like six months. He says he's too tired. I'm with him all day, every day, most nights, and we work together. Maybe too much togetherness?

    But if you've been long interested in the bdsm lifestyle, and you find someone you love, and the sex is pretty good without bdsm, does the need to do that go away? I'm talking about from his point of view because it's never been part of my life until I met him. It was really fun though and I think I was a "natural".
     
  5. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

    Be the Dom.
     
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  6. millie4820

    millie4820 New Member

    I'm not at all the dom type--enjoy the submissive role. I just wonder if anyone ever goes from dom role to being content and just not feeling the need to continue. I just miss so much being handcuffed, spanked, having the fun buying things like my "slut" collar, I was always shying away and he'd pull me back and make me look at these things. At first I was so resistant but then once I started to like it, he stopped. Maybe he liked my resistance, I don't know. Every time I try to talk about it, he says we'll be back to it one day but he's stressed about work, tired, etc.

    On the other hand, I'm now in the position of having a conventional boyfriend, sex once or twice a week, etc., and not sure that's what I want, even though I love him.
     
  7. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

    I should have said more, but I was rushed in the am with the kids LOL. Take on the role in a temp. position, maybe he is just out of ideas? If he is bored with it, and does not want to get back into, and you have a true love for it, may lead to problems in the future. Try to work these things out now, while you can.

    My bride and I have been together for 21 years, in the beginning, she played with me. But that faded over time, no interest. I had permission to play elsewhere, but it never felt right, because in every aspect of my life, I wanted my bride.

    But it took a long time, a lot of trials and errors to get here, and I'm not even sure if we are here yet. Kid gloves at this point.
     
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  8. Ms.sub13

    Ms.sub13 Member

    My husband is my Master and we have been together for three years and have two kids. I introduced him to bdsm and he liked it and learned as much as he could so now he teaches me. When he is stressed out at work he loves to come home and do bdsm. The only time he ever pulled away from bdsm was because he had a fantasy he was worried to tell me. Once he opened up about it and realized I didn't judge him and I am willing to try what he wants he got right back into bdsm. He only stopped for about a month. I confronted him because bdsm is always been apart of my life. Maybe your Master or Dom has a fantasy he is worried about sharing. Just try to be open with him and he might open up to you. Good luck.
     
  9. LivingWorkofArt

    LivingWorkofArt New Member

    To be honest, I've never heard of anyone just... quitting cold turkey. I wish I could help you but in this case, I'm stumped! But I wish you all the luck in the world with this situation.
     
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  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Millie, people can burn out on bdsm play. I've read just a few references to it, but honestly don't know much about it. Sex is a complicated activity, and bdsm doubly so. L8night provided some good questions that might help us figure out what's going on. Do you have answers to any of them?

    Let me add a couple of possibilities to consider:
    1) He's physically tired. When one is overworked, it can really suppress libido. You say you work alongside him, so do you think he's overworked, or somehow otherwise stressed out from work?
    2) He may be clinically depressed. Loss of sex drive is a common symptom of clinical depression, so hypothetically loss of interest in bdsm might also be a symptom of it. Are you having regular vanilla sex, or has his general sex drive deteriorated? Does he show other symptoms of depression (such as frequent anger or moodiness, loss of interest in other favored activities, an unusual inability to communicate his feelings, and so on)?
    3) If he's not engaging in much vanilla sex, is it possible that he's suffering from erectile dysfunction? That can certainly trigger avoidance of sex, moodiness, and an unwillingness to talk about what's going on. The ability to maintain an erection has a powerful influence on the male ego, and he might be worrying that he can't perform well enough.
    4) In a totally different vein, it's possible that he still desires to do bdsm, but not with you. My ex-husband wrestled with an addiction to pornography, and when he was in the throes of it, he would avoid sex with me and seek out porn to masturbate to. Ultimately, he concluded that I wasn't fat enough for him (he was a chubby chaser) and left me for someone much heavier than I was. So perhaps something has changed about his feelings for you and he doesn't want to express that deep side of himself with you. There are many possible reasons for this: have you put on a good deal of weight or otherwise changed your appearance in a way that might have left him less attracted to you? Has the emotional dynamic of your relationship shifted in a major way (for example, are the two of you quarreling a lot or butting heads over some major issue like money)? Might he be dealing with an addiction to pornography like my ex was (the thing about porn is that it promises a fantasy better than anything you can achieve in the real world, so it tends to make you dissatisfied with your actual sex life, no matter how good that is in an objective sense)? For that matter, might he be developing a drug addiction? Has something happened that might have left him feeling like he doesn't have power over you and therefore can't express his dominance (for example, are you making more money than he is)? Is it possible that he's met someone he's infatuated with or is having an affair with? These are obviously all troubling possibilities; I don't think you should obsess about them because there are other possibilities that L8night and I've already mentioned, but they are worth at least considering. Something I learned a long time ago is that when someone suddenly starts acting in a very strange way, there is often times an extreme or unusual reason for it.

    My basic advice still stands. Keep talking to him. Ask him if something is bothering him and let him know that you'll love him regardless of what is going on. If he says he's tired, make arrangements for a vacation or something else he loves to help him recharge his batteries, and then see if he's willing to do some bdsm play. If he's still not, simple exhaustion isn't the reason and you'll need to probe deeper. There may or may not be a solution to this, but we'll give you as much advice as we can.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2010
  11. kittengrey

    kittengrey Member

    In my own experiences, I know that my master can get very exhausted due to work. Dominance for him takes a lot of mental and physical energy, because he is constantly thinking, planning, controlling, and things in his head, and it tires him out really quick if he doesn't have the energy for it.
    BDSM is nice, but sometimes if you are stressed or tired, just thinking about it can make you feel even more exhausted, no matter how much you may want it. Personally, I agree with Sebastian on saying that he should take a break and get re-energized, and if that does't help, then the problem could be deeper.
     
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Kitten, you're right about domming taking a lot of energy. I sweat buckets when I'm domming, way more than I do during normal sex. Now granted, I'm usually wearing a cop uniform, but usually that much sweating when I'm not working out means that I'm channeling all my mental energy into something. So that might very well be the problem in this case.

    Perhaps Millie can get the ball moving again with some sub service. Nothing sexual to start with, but just serve him like a king at home, and encourage him to take command while relaxing and enjoying being waited on.
     
  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    I just read thru your post again millie. I saw something I didn't really pay attention to before.

    You said you used to shy away from it all, and now that you started to like it he started to loose interest.

    did I get that right?

    Could you add to that a little? How did your behavior change after you discovered you really liked it?
     
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