BDSM : Mixed feelings

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Yuki19, May 21, 2013.

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  1. Yuki19

    Yuki19 New Member

    Hello everyone!

    I have to say I am pretty new to this stuff. I have read the general FAQ posted. It answered some of my questions. Thanks!

    I have something more specific to ask though...

    I have been with my boyfriend for one year. We both have an interest in BDSM, but neither of us has a lot of experience. It's pretty much the first time we dab our toes into this. So far, it has been a pleasurable journey. We have tried wax play, chemical stimulation, light spanking and whipping and a bit of very light bondage. The only thing I didn't really enjoy is the use of clothespins.

    Here is my problem: I am more into control play and he is more into inflicting and receiving pain. I won't explain why I like control play because he enjoys it too, but to a lesser extent than me so it's not the problem. The pain is the issue...

    He says he is interested into it because he likes the idea of someone voluntarily submitting themselves to pain. He says they must get something out of it if they accept doing it otherwise they wouldn't. He also likes the fact that it seems to generate intense sensations that seem to be delightful.

    I agree with that to a certain degree. For instance, I have enjoyed wax play like I said. What makes me feel disturbed is the stuff that my boyfriend gets aroused watching. I assume most of you here know about QueenSnake. He loves watching her work. Thing is, even though I understand and agree with the concept that pain can be a fun thing, I just cannot wrap my mind around how labial stitching or getting genitals pierced with needles can be fun for instance.

    I am an honest person so I told him it disturbs me and that I don't know how to feel about that. He says he doesn't want to go that deep into pain play IRL because he would be uncomfortable with it. He also says that he feels ashamed about getting aroused by such things.

    I think I hurt his feelings when I told him that it all seems disturbing and a little disgusting to me. He is already feeling shame and I went and just added to it... It's sad but I wanted to tell him the truth... I think it's important.

    My questions are:

    1. Can someone explain what kind of satisfaction he might be getting on a deeper level from watching such extreme scenes?

    2. Is there someone who has been involved in such scenes who can tell me if they really do feel fun after all. Are the screams and grimaces mostly acting or are they real? What do you get out of it?

    3. What should I do about the way I hurt his feelings when he was finally opening up to me and trusting me? I owe him honesty so I told him the truth... but he ended up saying he never should have mentioned his tastes if I'm to perceive him as a freak.
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yuki: As I explain in my post about the 4 Spheres of BDSM play, different kinksters like different kinds of play. What is pleasurable and fun for one kinkster is not pleasurable and fun for another. So if you don't find pain pleasurable, then it doesn't really matter if another sub likes pain; you don't and that's all that matters. If your dom likes pain and you don't, that's a serious issue in your relationship. One or both of you are going to have to compromise (he will have to do less pain play than he wants, or you'll have to do more), or else the two of you will need to move on and find other partners who are more compatible on this issue.

    But to tackle your questions, here are my thoughts on them:
    1) Sadists enjoy watching subs suffer. It creates a sense of power and control that can be very intense and arousing.
    2) A masochistic sub finds pain very pleasurable, sometimes in its own right and sometimes simply because the sub is serving the dom's pleasure. Some subs play up how much they enjoy the pain, but most high quality BDSM videos are made with subs who genuinely enjoy pain--that's why they make the videos, which don't pay enormous amounts of money. I'm sure some pro-subs fake it (just as some gay porn stars are merely 'gay for pay'), but I suspect there are easier ways to make money than fake loving being tortured.
    3) You should be honest about your feelings, but also allow him to be honest about his. Don't treat him as a freak--he just has different turn ons than you do. It's not uncommon for sadists to feel guilty about their desires (society generally condemns them), so he's probably struggling with the fact that he finally opened up about them and didn't get the response he was hoping for. But he also has to accept the fact that you don't like what he likes. So don't pretend to enjoy pain if you don't, but don't demonize him for his desires. As long as he only expresses those desires consensually, he's not being a bad person.
     
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