BDSM, marriage and romance

Unregistered · Sep 21, 2012

Hi all,

I am a female Dom and I visit this site regularly under my username, however for my anxiety I am posting this anonymously.

My boyfriend is my sub, and has been on and off throughout our 5 year relationship. I was new to BDSM when we got together although kink had always played it's part for me. Our relationship, both romantically and BDSM has always been rocky, largely due to his tendency to cheat on me. There is a long and complicated explanation behind that but he has been faithful for a year now and we are on our way to being happier than ever, and the BDSM is getting back on track too thanks to some very strict training sessions.

So here is my anxiety. He is committed to me now. And recently there has been a lot of talk of marriage. and I am terrified that he will propose! I love him, I love BDSM, I'd love to marry him. But it all confuses me. He wants a 24/7 BDSM lifestlye, which we have never really grown to as his infidelity has gotten in the way. I think I would enjoy it, and as the Dom, this doesn't scare. But there is still a part of me that is romantic. I love to fall asleep in his arms, be cuddled tightly, feel safe and warm with him. I think this need for a strong male figure has gotten in the way of us having a full time BDSM relationship because, for example, I don't want to sleep alone every night while he sleeps in his cage.

I guess what I am asking is, is it possible to have a more full time BDSM relationship, where the male sub still fulfils the more traditional strong man role. Right now, my anxiety feels like I can only have one, and I don't think I can fully live in either scenario and be fulfilled.

I am sure this question is a product of my inexperience, so I want to learn more.

does anyone have any experience of this? and anywhere I can read a little more about types of BDSM relationships, long term, or romantically.

Thanks

H

Smallest · Sep 21, 2012

I'm going to start with the cheating. I know it's over, but I doubt you'd bring it up if it wasn't a factor. You would benefit from marriage counselling (fine to do prior to marriage), and might benefit from finding a kink-aware counsellor so you can talk about the rest of these issues like you are to us (see Kink Aware Professionals).

Almost none (if any at all) of the many 24/7 BDSM relationships are literally 24/7. But you can still be the domme and let him be 'manly' now and then. As the one in charge, set times of certain or all days where he can take you to dinner, watch a movie with you, etc. You set these, and are still the domme in doing so, but it gives you what you need. There is also the chance that you're a switch, but since you're not sexually interested in that as far as I know, so I'm ignoring that factor. Or you could just tell him you cannot domme him all the time, and x and y times are a time out for you. Being a dom/me can be exhausting.

I consider BDSM very romantic, as an aside. There are so many more ways to express your love (and his for you). Think about it that way as you play and reflect. And you're always welcome to PM me, I love to talk and long term and romantic are big parts of our dynamic.

Lillith · Oct 6, 2012

Hi,

I was thinking you could tell him when you want him to be a man and hold you in his arms. You could also tell him he has to surprise you with one gentlemanly but macho gesture every so often as per your terms.

Good luck.

sebastian · Oct 18, 2012

You might also agree that he gets to be macho out in public, but he becomes submissive in private. That way you can do romantic dinners and other traditional activities, but still get the BDSM you enjoy And you might consider using the medieval lady/knight as your BDSM template. He treats you like a queen and is devoted to you, but you get to put him through tests, be capricious, make him beg you for your favors, and the like.

Smallest · Oct 19, 2012

Also, if you took the 'macho in public' Sebby said, you could play punish or humiliate him for it later.

BDSM, marriage and romance

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