BDSM in a marriage

stirling56 · Mar 26, 2008

I am looking for advice on how to encourage my wife to play a more serious role as the dominating half in our marriage. We have played dominant games, she has done me with a strap on, she enjoys hurting me, is always giving me nipple tweeks, and spanking me, but in a more playful kind of way. We have used restraints and played some BDSM games in bed. She already tends to be dominant - she requires me to always sleep naked when she is almost always in PJs or whatever she wants, and I generally wait on her around the house, and have told her I really enjoy this role. Sex is generally controlled by her, but initiated by me. But I feel like we both would enjoy our sex lives more if I played a true role as her submissive and she would willingly exercise her authority over me with more force, and make our sex more oriented only towards her pleasure. We are generally pretty conventional people. Long question I know...complicated subject!

gwendoline · Mar 27, 2008

I had a brilliant marriage for 10 years with my wife getting progressively more dominant. I told her of my TV and BDSM tendencies before we were married and it nearly finished then, but she soon found out that she quite liked have me as her slave. It took her a little while longer to get used to the idea of me cross-dressing but again found that she got turned on by out ‘lesbian’ play.
For the first year or so I would do my fair share of the household duties and I would ‘dress’ and we would play about twice a week, however I would say to her that I would do the shopping, washing, ironing etc. and so within the next few months I was doing everything, and loving every submissive moment. As I worked shifts and she worked only part time, we were at home together a lot : I suggested that I should really be wearing a maids uniform and we chose a selection of traditional English maid’s outfits which I wore whenever I was serving her, I.e. whenever we were at home during the day. After washing up in the evening I was allowed to put on a skirt and blouse.
At first my wife would punish me with a cane or similar if not pleased with me but soon learned that I loved it so she reversed that: I was only tied up and whipped if I had pleased her, if she was very pleased with me I would end up black and blue and suitably happy.
Likewise, at first she would try to humiliate me by having me go out and buy her sanitary wear, lick clean her soiled panties, clean her with my tongue after she had been to the toilet etc. but again this changed and I had to earn the reward.
My wife tried having me sleep on the floor by the side of her bed but missed having me with her so from then on I slept with my wrists in leather cuffs tied loosely to the head of the bed and my ankles similarly to the foot. Sex for me was always accompanied by pain: She would always be on top and got a lot of pleasure from slapping my face, tweaking my nipples and using a whip on me as she rode my cock. Afterwards she would move up and, often without a word, have me clean her with my tongue.
I was a very lucky husband/slave.

Stargazer · Mar 29, 2008

stirling56 said:
I am looking for advice on how to encourage my wife to play a more serious role as the dominating half in our marriage.

Hi Stirling, I'm currently going through something very similar. Maybe I can lend some advice on topof what you've already received in the hopes you can get something from it.

stirling56 said:
We have played dominant games, she has done me with a strap on, she enjoys hurting me, is always giving me nipple tweeks, and spanking me, but in a more playful kind of way.

I suppose you're already halfway there. If she is already enjoying dominating in your playtime then all you have to do is convince her that it feels natural to you to be dominated in this fashion and ask that she respect your wishes and try to accommodate this as best she can.

stirling56 said:
We have used restraints and played some BDSM games in bed. She already tends to be dominant - she requires me to always sleep naked when she is almost always in PJs or whatever she wants, and I generally wait on her around the house, and have told her I really enjoy this role. Sex is generally controlled by her, but initiated by me. But I feel like we both would enjoy our sex lives more if I played a true role as her submissive and she would willingly exercise her authority over me with more force, and make our sex more oriented only towards her pleasure. We are generally pretty conventional people. Long question I know...complicated subject!

Convention has nothing to do with it. My wife said to me when I asked to be kept in restraints that she wasn;t raised to think this way. My argument to that: 'Was I raised to want to be kept in restraints?'... Of course not, it's just the way I am, it's that lifestyle choice that gets made for us by whatever makes us the way we are.

My wife struggled terribly with the concept of having anything other than an equal marriage. I've been able to tell her that if she doesn;t want a D/s relationship then I can live with that on the basis I still get her help with what I want.

With you though, it is a little more complex. You really are seeking a true D/s situation and it may be that she feels unhappy or uncomfortable with this as a long term plan. Try a nice quiet talk with her to see just what her feelings and opinions on the subject are. Once you both understand where the other is coming from, you can find a common ground in the middle to meet on and that will act as a nice proving ground for taking things further once you're both acclimatised to your new way of life.

My wife and I are still finding our middle ground but we are on our way there. I hope you are able to do the same. Let us know how you get on.

stirling56 · Apr 3, 2008

Thank you

Thank you both for the responses. I'm following the advice suggested and will keep this thread going with updates as things progress and open up.

BDSM in a marriage

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