BDSM dating question

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Tie-guy, Feb 21, 2011.

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  1. Tie-guy

    Tie-guy New Member

    I've been getting more comfortable with the BDSM community recently but as I'm still a newbie, I need to get the lowdown on experimenting with BDSM partners.

    I'm into roleplay during sex, but outside of sex, I'm completely vanilla. I don't want to waste time joining BDSM specific websites when I can find compatible partners through conventional dating. In short, are there any people who are just roleplayers on these websites?

    I'm a long term/stable guy. If most of the people on these websites are no-strings then I'm not particularly interested. I need a context and continuity to fulfil my desires not just a fling. Are there sites catering for this in particular?

    Any other info appreciated.

    Cheers, ;)
     
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    (I'm not sure if your gay or straight and if you're dom or sub; I'll try to hit the various bases as I can.)

    Well, the place to start is with the right terminology. I don't know if there's a specific term for people who only do power exchange/bdsm within sex (at least I think that's what you mean by 'roleplay'), but I use the phrase 'bedroom bdsm'; to me that conveys that what you want is bdsm sex, but an egalitarian relationship. Those who want power exchange outside the bedroom normally refer to it as '24/7' or 'slavery'. The term 'roleplay' is generally not used to refer to bdsm in general, but to bdsm in which the participants are pretending to be other people. For example, when I wear my cop uniform and play out a fantasy in which my sub is a burglar who gets caught, tied up and tortured, that's roleplaying (also sometimes referred to as 'cosplay', short for 'costume play', although not all cosplay is bdsm). If I do all the same activities with my sub but just wear normal clothes and don't pretend to be a cop, that's just bdsm sex.

    Sites like alt.com, fetlife, daddyhunt, and recon.com (the last two being more or less gay) are for people who want some degree of bdsm or kink, ranging from bedroom bdsm to full-out 24/7. So you should definitely look at those sites (although in my experience, fetlife is not really set up to search for partners and alt.com is a money sink). In your profile explain that you want a sub (or dom) for bedroom activity only. You are not looking for (or to be) a boy or a pet (both of which indicate some degree of power exchange outside the bedroom) or a slave (which definitely indicates 24/7).

    Vanilla dating sites don't seem to be set up to allow kinky people to find each other. I've searched both Match.com and Ok Cupid for terms like SSC, 24/7, bondage, etc, and found very little. I've included a few discrete terms like SSC or 'dominant in the bedroom' in my profile, but have only gotten a few hits that way. The gay site Manhunt is better; it includes interest listings for bondage, leather, S&M, and rough sex; my profile there is fairly clear about what I like, and I get lots of hits there from guys whose profiles don't indicate a strong interest in bdsm, but who are interested in it. In other words, on the mainstream sites, most people seem reluctant to flag themselves as into bdsm, but a few code words might help attract the right people; on the sites that are set up for kinky people, people are quite open about what they are looking for and you can be too. On these sites, the more specific you can be about what you want, the easier it will be to winnow out the ones who aren't right for you.
     
  3. Tie-guy

    Tie-guy New Member

    Straight male dom FYI.

    Would you say that mainstream sites are safer bets for the type of long term relationship I want? The BDSM sites seem to be dominated by no-strings subs. As long as I communicate with my partner, bringing up my fantasies shouldn't be too much of an issue.
     
  4. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I think if BDSM is an important part of your relationship with someone then searching a vanilla website will disappoint you. For instance, while most of my relationship is vanilla, BDSM is a critical aspect of it for me. Occasionally my master will become too busy to give that part of our relationship its usual attention and I start to fret and worry.
    Even if I was looking for a more serious relationship, I would probably start with a kink site.

    Now my master on the other hand loves BDSM and having me as a pet, but if he were dating a vanilla girl who isn't interested in submission, it wouldnt bother him. Its not a make or break deal like it is with me. If you're also like that or feel like maybe a vanilla girl could eventually like some of the softer kinks (being tied up, dirty talk, the occasional slap on the butt) then you'll likely have more luck with a mainstream site
     
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