BDSM and a family(children)

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Ceilidh, Mar 2, 2010.

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  1. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    Hi. I am new and curious - of course.

    First, I just want to say I am so happy I finally found this place. Groups on Google and Yahoo didn't seem nearly as active and informative as this place.

    I have so many questions running through my mind, and I hope I don't step on any toes or offend anyone with my questions. If I do I appologize.

    My question..

    How do you live the BDSM lifestyle and have children?

    I am sure you would have someone watch said child/ren during the scenes (or be asleep?). But what about the child/ren finding the 'toys' in the house?

    I am sure it must be a very delicate balance between everything. But how does it work?

    Thank You.
     
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  2. How do you live the BDSM lifestyle and have children? We have 3 kids (and are now expecting our 4th :) ) and are 24/7... Obviously some things have to wait until the kids are in bed, but we've found creative ways to keep our lifestyle intact. Something as simple as a specific look can ask permission or give an answer. My slave does not refer to me as Mistress in front of our children, but instead uses Ma'am.. which also teaches our children to be polite. My slave doesn't wear his collar in front of our children, but he has a special necklace that represents his slavery that he doesn't take off. He doesn't wear his chains around the kids, but as soon as they are in bed or if they aren't home, the chains go on. Mainly, he knows what is expected of him and he obeys well.. in the rare circumstance that he has to be punished, it waits until the kids are in bed.. which also gives him time to think of what he did and what's about to come. My slave has a little bit of wiggle room concerning his authority over our kids.. he is of course their father and has every right a father has with his children, but he does so keeping in mind that if I don't agree with one of his decisions, I have veto power and he must accept it.

    I am sure you would have someone watch said child/ren during the scenes (or be asleep?). But what about the child/ren finding the 'toys' in the house? Very rarely does anyone ever watch our kids for us. The toys are kept locked in our walk in closet and the kids aren't allowed in our bedroom.

    I am sure it must be a very delicate balance between everything. But how does it work? You have to have respect for and be very in tune with each other.
     
  3. Many of us on here have a child or more in the house. And yes, what you said is accurate, you just don't play loudly when the kids are home. That being said, there are many aspects of D/s that are not physical and are more than appropriate to do in front of children. This can be simple things like asking permission, or a certain touch.

    As for toys, well, as far as Im concerned, it would be the same thing for a vanilla couple. You find a safe place to tuck your toys away. This could be a bag on the top shelf of the closet, a wood chest, a suitcase somewhere... Who knows. I guess what Im saying is that hiding a whip or flogger isnt a whole heck of a lot different in my mind than a vanilla mom trying to hide her favorite dildo...
     
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  4. I was hoping you would be ne of the ones to respond to this Andrea! From everything you've posted, you seem to have a very successful balance in your life.

    (on a side note, what ever happened with that other situation? I should go find that thread...)
     
  5. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    I have 4 children, and I completely concur with the statements made by Mistress Andrea. Parents don't argue in front of children, and the same status applies: Take it to another room.
    Unlike mistress Andrea however, my wife is also a dom, so our subs and slaves (there is a difference) are referred to by the kids as Aunt *enter name given to them* or Uncle.
    A collar is more of a symbolic representation of possession, and doesn't need to be an actual collar per-say, most of ours wear a chain necklace, with a lock on it. its fashionable, but short enough that it doesn't come off without removing the lock, however, if the situation requires it not to be seen, it can go under a shirt.
    All in all most of it is common sense. If your mature enough to play, then you should be mature enough to understand the concept of respect for those around you who don't.
     
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  6. ReallyGreen

    ReallyGreen Member

    I imagine it works exactly the same as vanilla foreplay: Wait until the kids are asleep, or arrange a babysitter if its going to get loud.

    We did have one incident of a child finding a sex toy: Our friends 4yo found the wife's 13" Doc Johnson hot-pink jelly dong in the sink (where it usually gets washed after having nasty sex in the living room).
    "Can I play with this?"

    Which you can only respond by keeping a very straight face and saying "Not until you're 13". Then hide it with the other toys.

    PS: I do keep the studded leather paddle (the one that spells-out SPANK in chrome studs) hanging in plain sight on the wall. And I swear to the Gods that every child who has ever seen it has been on their very best behaviour while at our house.
     
  7. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

    Mistress Andrea, congratulations on your 4th pregnancy. Also thank you (everyone) for your insight. I deeply appreciate it.

    I feel as if I am more capable to wrap my mind around the idea of bdsm and children. I can honestly say that you all have given me a bit of hope knowing how possible it is to have this lifestyle with chlidren in the home. This knowledge for some reason sets my mind at ease. Perhaps now I will soon get my Gut, Head and Heart all on the same page and come out of the closet.


    I know, I know. It is all pure common sense with children. Same when we were teenagers living in our parents house, if you didn't want it found (or common knowledge) hide it - hide it really well. But what I ment was the children finding them while hidden. Or just happen to stumble across them like ReallyGreen said.

    I have (or had) this problem. My (at the time) 1.5 year old kept sneeking into our bedroom and pilfering through everything. He still does, but not as often. I finally had enough and bought a dual combonation lockbox to hide our small collection of toys in.

    Why didn't I get just a simple lock and key? Or use baby gates to keep him out of the bedroom? Simple. He is a very deterimed child. When he gets an idea in his head he doesn't give up until he gets what he wants. At 1 he was able to pull/push down the baby gates. At 2 he was able to unlock the chain from the front door, unlock the deadbolt, turn the doorknob (which isn't easy) and open the door (not to menchion first he had to find something to stand on). He also at 2 mastered the art of teleportation (over the baby gates). Now at 3 he is able to move a 3 person couch WITH a 230lb person sitting on said couch. And those are daily occourances.

    I love the idea of using a suitcase! I never thought of that. I will definantly have to remember that once we move and start adding to our collection.
     
  8. LOL, I have a really pretty cane hanging in my bedroom. Has a nice tigers eye on it and just looks like its part of the decor in the room....
     
  9. zapgr

    zapgr New Member

    I am in a 8 year marriage with my sub. We have four kids. We are looking to increase our role playing. I like the ideas I have already heard but we are looking for more neutral speak that carries the message within ... do you use key words... like to hear more...
     
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