Article about Fetlife

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by sebastian, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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  2. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    I can't say that I agree with posting names myself and I can see why they removed it. I try very hard online, even the parenting boards I am on to never post names, even first names simply for privacy. Something like this though they have no way of knowing if someone is simply pissed off and trying to cause trouble. Sadly there are a lot of people that it seems they have nothing better to do but cause trouble.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, it's a tricky balance, isn't it? It's very easy for a sub to make malicious accusations of abuse against a dom (I had it happen to me last year--it was very upsetting). And on the internet, once someone's name is out there attached to an accusation, it can be very hard to purge that if the charges are false. But on the other hand, there are some malicious or dangerously incompetent doms out there, and I think it's legitimate to warn others not to play with those people.

    Back before the internet, experienced doms had a sort of gatekeeper function--they actively vetted would-be kinksters to screen out the bad eggs. And they used word of mouth to warn people about the dangerous ones (there are stories in the gay communities that groups of doms occasionally tracked down the really bad ones and either killed them or otherwise drove them out of the city, but I have no way of knowing if there's any truth to those stories). Today, the only gatekeeping function that experienced doms can exercise is teaching or refusing to teach, and to a lesser extent warning people way from problem guys they've encountered.
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  4. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Wow, that is interesting. I never even knew others played like my husband and I do until I was talking with a friend of mine a few months ago. She told me I would never speak to her if I knew what she did. I laughed and told her doubt it. There are no horror stories of missing children or dead bodies showing up around town so it cant be that shocking. She told me how she has for a long time been into BDSM. I laughed and said is that all. My husband and I have done that since we were dating. What I didn't know is there were whole communities on the internet. I thought it was just us.

    Yes once your name is out there it is hard. I guess having a lot of people know you well enough to laugh at false accusations. I live in a very small town here. Rumors fly and even false once can hang around for years. One girl decided to break up with her boyfriend and her parting gift was to cry rape. Most do not believe her since she is known for making up stories while other say be careful of that guy he doesn't take no for an answer. I have told several people that if there was any truth dont you think she would have gone to the police instead of going to the town square and telling anyone and everyone?

    On the other hand while at a friends house who is not at all into drama, never even exaggerates stories at all her brother in law walked in. He kept trying to talk to me and she would interrupt before her husband made his brother leave. When he left they both told me if he ever shows up at your hourse and your husband is not home do not open the door and if he does not leave call the police. He is scary creepy. Other friends have had dealings with him and ya he is a creeper. I am glad they warned me since he did try showing up and I simply made sure the deadbolt was locked and did not answer the door.
  5. While I believe it violates FL's spirit of not attacking other member's, I think it's essentially saying something that quite a few folks have already implied- violation of consent is not rape, it's your fault if you didn't communicate clearly.

    I've noticed that 50% or more of FL users are not very educated in kink. They decide one day that they are into it, and it seems like they could care less if they know anything about it. They just slap a label on themselves and expect others to play with them. And they do, and I have personally known people who have made BAD mistakes. These users, IMO, need a good example. Fetlife isn't giving it to them.

    The message should be "This is what consent is. Even when in a play session you're brutally raping someone, you need to have it at all times. If not, you're not a kinkster, you're a rapist," and "Even the most lowly of submissives deserves to have their voices heard when it comes to consent, and having "no limits" might make you a more desireable play partner, but ignoring your own limits automatically makes you very uncool." The message should basically be "Konsent is Kewl!"

    However, for the sake of the Doms, who, for example, are put in Sebby's situation with a psycho sub, names should not EVER be allowed to be used on Fetlife- not even in good light. There are plenty of folks that won't show their faces on Fetlife. So just make that a policy and there goes that issue.

    But usernames, however, do not harm anyone. If you don't want to be traced from your Fetlife to yourself in real life, don't put the info out there. If a Dom abused me, I would NOT shut up. Every single friend on his list would get an email from me, and I wouldn't care if I was labeled a psycho sub. The issue of being abused when you're vulnerable hits too close to home (many of my dear family and friends were sexually abused as children), and I won't tolerate it happening to me in a situation where I should be able to feel safe.

    It sucks when people are falsely accused... But as a switch, I can't help but think what would be worse? A footslave falsely accusing me of abusing her and having myself labeled as an abusive on Fetlife? Does that matter? I can just go on Collarme or Craigslist or pick up another subby at a local munch. But what if a Daddy Dom decides it's OK to do something I'm NOT okay with? What if he cuts me or burns me? FYI, I don't have health insurance. Once someone violates my consent, any sexual activity thereafter would feel like rape for me. So I'm injured in a way that was NOT okay with me, have to explain the marks to my family and friends, somehow pay for the hospital bill to get myself sewed back up or take care of an infection, have just been raped and also must deal with the psychological issues? That would just really mess up my day. So yeah, I would rather be the falsely accused Domme.

    I feel as though, just like with rape, it's awful when people lie about something like that, and it makes the real accusations less believeable, BUT... just like rape, would you tell an alleged victim that they are lying? How would you feel if someone did that to YOU? Usually, the default is to believe the person, because, as a decent human being, you realize that if she is telling the truth and you don't believe her, that's really going to fucking suck for her. Therefore you default to belief. The same should go for accusations of violation of consent.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Yes, consent is the bedrock of BDSM. It's the one right subs always need to keep, even if they yield everything else up to their doms. The challenge, of course, is that subs want the feeling of not consenting, except when they are taken past their limits. So balancing the reality of consent with the illusion of violation is tricky. No wonder dom/sub play can get so problematic.
  7. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Yeah not being believed would suck. I still would be skeptical of someone posting publicly like that instead of like you said going to the sites moderator and saying this happened what do I do? I know I have a strong cynical side, but I have just seen the " he did this too me" cry used so many times. Good people have had their reputations damaged while people look at them with suspicion. Then as an afterthought years later the girl says oh I was just really pissed. Taught him a lesson huh,
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2012

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