hi there, my name is seeker, and i must apologize beforehand for my spelling and grammar, English isn't my mother tong. since i was little i know i had some thing wrong with my sexuality, i couldn't enjoy what most people does and i found myself getting in touched with the art of the bdsm. at the beggining (around 13 years old) i enjoyed it alot. though after a while i found myself seeking for much harder and more abusive bdsm shots. i noticed that i do not enjoy pain, rather i enjoy the feeling i believe the "victim" or "sub" feels. the greatest her feeling was (good or bad feeling) the more i enjoyed. i also noticed that fear and despair are much stronger feelings and much easier to inflict then the other sort. at the age of 15 since i understood i need to believe that the "subs" are actually victims or else i wouldn't enjoy myself at all i chose to become "A sexual". i wouldn't mind saying that i never had any enjoyment from thinking about sex at all even before, therefor the task wasn't that tough. yet again, today i do feel something is missing in my life. i know that i will only enjoy true and strong emotions the other side feels, therefor i cannot go into bdsm, i am afraid of what i might become. if you have any ideas, i would be glad to hear them, moreover i would be happy to discuss possible ways to combine real feeling with my life mate while not having to make her feel true fear or despair. after all i love her very much. thanks for your posts, i hope to have your help as soon as possible.