are these thoughts normal?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by seeker, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. seeker

    seeker New Member

    hi there, my name is seeker, and i must apologize beforehand for my spelling and grammar, English isn't my mother tong.

    since i was little i know i had some thing wrong with my sexuality, i couldn't enjoy what most people does and i found myself getting in touched with the art of the bdsm.

    at the beggining (around 13 years old) i enjoyed it alot. though after a while i found myself seeking for much harder and more abusive bdsm shots.

    i noticed that i do not enjoy pain, rather i enjoy the feeling i believe the "victim" or "sub" feels. the greatest her feeling was (good or bad feeling) the more i enjoyed.

    i also noticed that fear and despair are much stronger feelings and much easier to inflict then the other sort.

    at the age of 15 since i understood i need to believe that the "subs" are actually victims or else i wouldn't enjoy myself at all i chose to become "A sexual".

    i wouldn't mind saying that i never had any enjoyment from thinking about sex at all even before, therefor the task wasn't that tough. yet again, today i do feel something is missing in my life.

    i know that i will only enjoy true and strong emotions the other side feels, therefor i cannot go into bdsm, i am afraid of what i might become.

    if you have any ideas, i would be glad to hear them, moreover i would be happy to discuss possible ways to combine real feeling with my life mate while not having to make her feel true fear or despair. after all i love her very much.

    thanks for your posts, i hope to have your help as soon as possible.
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  2. chaoticist

    chaoticist New Member

    I think you're making an assumption when you say something is 'wrong'. Unusual, yes. Wrong, no.

    If I'm understanding you correctly, you're sadistic/dominant, and need to feel your partner is experiencing fear/despair? Correct me if I'm misunderstanding.

    For a vanilla person, your urges will indeed be troublesome to a harmonious relationship. However, luckily there are some people with a sexual nature highly compatible to your own i.e. subs/masochists. Not only will they tolerate your nature, and the things you want to do, but they actually enjoy - and arguably *need* that kind of treatment, which you think is 'bad' in nature.

    If you are worried about becoming something unacceptable, a bad, or flawed individual - just look at numerous healthy bdsm relationships that exist, where the sub/masochist is feeling happy and fulfilled in a mutually satisfying love relationship with their dom/domme. If it can work for such people, it can work for you and who you find.

    So, my advice is: i) avoid purely vanilla people as romantic partners ii) seek out people who have complementary feelings to your own i.e. masochists and submissives. Once you find someone whose sexual nature matches your own, you should find all these conflicts fall away (although you'll still have other issues to deal with, like any relationship).

  3. seeker

    seeker New Member

    first of all i would like to thank you for your answer, and i would also like to reply:

    the problem is that i am not truly sadistic, it is true causing pain is a great way extracting emotions but mainly, its not necessary the only way.

    the issue is more about what the sub has to FEEL and not go through.

    for exemple, even if i create the worst situation, and i do imagain some nasty stuff, that's still not enough. if the partner doesn't FEEL in true and great mental distress that will simply fade away after a short while. and that is the main problem. i need my partner to feel strong feelings though i know i cannot let myself do anything to her which is not under her own acception, therefor, i will not enjoy this kind of relationship unless i would be able to create some sort of "legal based" way to exttact those feelings out of my partner (might be feeling of gratitude or enjoyment not nesserily pain and fear).

    so i will rephrase my question:

    can a sub FEEL true and strong feelings forward me which are positive? are they strong enough?

    i am unexperience, and will appreciate any help on the subject, thanks.
    i am unexpirianced, and pretty much scared of my own doing,
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok, first of all, read the FAQ if you haven't done so already. It will give you more of a language to discuss these feelings. It will help you make distinctions that BDSM players need to make.

    BDSM helps the sub (and to some extent the dom) lower the barriers that we use to keep other people out. It is when those barriers are dropped that we are able to bond with those we play with. A sub who opens herself to her master and trusts him and finds that trust met and not violated will often find herself developing strong feelings for her dom. These may be romantic or in some cases just a deep friendship (depending on what the terms of play are). But they are real emotions, in some cases probably more genuine emotions that vanilla people feel. And you as a dom have an obligation to at a minimum be respectful and protective of those feelings.

    You _are_ a sadist, I think. Inflicting pain on a sub is an excellent way to force a sub to lower her defenses. That's where the emotions you are seeking become available. Pain is as much a tool as a means to an end. For me, it's both. I love inflicting pain, in part because of what I gives me access to.
  5. Ms.sub13

    Ms.sub13 Member

    Hello Seeker,
    I think I understand what you are going through. Since I was in my early teens I was never able to imagine or feel excitement from vanilla sex. I need the fear and stress to get off. One of my big things was I needed to feel like it was a situation I could not avoid. Some people are big it to rape play. Rape play is when two people agree to act out a rape scenario. To me rape play was never good enough. I cannot stand the fact of knowing when it was coming, it did not feel real. I need it to feel real. I want to feel the fear of being grabbed and not knowing what was going to happen. Pleading for them to stop and they wouldn't. In my mind it gets to darker areas. I have not met a person who understands why I like it. I don't understand why I like it and it is worrisome that I will never find someone who understands. I hope I helped. If you want to talk you can pm if this is similar to what your going through.

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