Any book or reading reccomendations for my sub?

wolf123 · Jul 13, 2010

Hello all,

my sub and I have been doing bdsm for a while and progressing nicely, but she needs extra help to move farther in. We keep encountering her dominant side occasionally, and a resistant psychy. Sometimes in certain scenarios, I want her to submit but she only gets angered. Ex. I left a but plugg at her place and she used it to surprise me. I told her that she has to ask to use them, but its alright my mistake. She just got angry and said it killed the mood, since i did not clarify toy use.

Are there any good online guides or books to read up on? I myself have been reading varying dom guides, but she needs some of her own.

She says she gets small voices of angrer at being told what to do, not being in the driver seat. Part of saying fun cool, sexy, etc. other part grrrr, why should i have to wait, be told, etc. Basically conflicting thoughts as the power exchance progresses

L8NightQ · Jul 13, 2010

I would suggest "The new bottoming book". It covers much of what you've mentioned here. I'm assuming you want her to read up on the "sub" side of things.

It would help to understand what you've been reading for yourself. There are many things that could be considered "Dom guides".

I gotta tell you.... It sounds like you've been trying to fit her into a certain image that you already have in your head. All well and good, but that does have a selection component, not just training.
Each sub is different. I've never been the same with any one I've been with, and empathy is one of the most important senses you can develop..... after communications skills.

Your sub has strong dominant tendencies. Subs like that don't usually take orders from you unless she is at a disadvantage and under your control. You have to understand and deal with that. Over time you can change it, but not at the speed you're going.

By the way.... You really should have set your own expectations for toy use.

Wolf - Toy or Girlfriend, be patient, communicate with her, and go slow. And you need to understand her needs and expectations just as much as you expect her to understand yours.

Don't read Dom guides only. Read everything you can about who both you and she are. (If you had done this, you would know how to use her dominant side against her) I have never known a good Dom that didn't truly understand subs. There are Doms like that out there. They're just to self centered to be good ones.

And you should read anything that you recommend for her.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Hope this helps.
The nice thing about this site is - Whatever I got wrong, someone else will correct.

wolf123 · Jul 13, 2010

reply to revious quote

Next time i get together with her, we plan on making a list of rules, boundaries, etc. In general we have done this before and after every session i ask her what she liked, disliked, felt, etc. but havnt put them on paper. We communicate a lot, on what we are comfortable is, our desires, and feelings on certain actions, thats why she is discussing that small dominant voice in her head that rises on occasion. Our trust is also very strong. I think it would be a good idea for her to start a personal journal too. For the toy use, the thing behind that was we are trying chastity play. She is not allowed to touch or orgasm without my permission and it has been a little over a week now. The anal plug basically gave her pleasure so thats why i didnt want her using it without permission. My idea was to call her one night and tell her to put it in, or masterbate for a couple minutes/edge, etc. I assumed toy stimulation was implied, so that was my mistake which i appoligized to her. Actually today this morning she sent me a text message saying orgasm control is working as she woke up horny as fuck, dreamt of kinky things, and loves me so much

. Anyway just some nice reading material would be nice to help her psychy of being submissive, as still we are both relatively new. I'll check amazon for hopefully cheap used books and some informative websites.

sillylittlepet · Jul 14, 2010

I can relate to your sub, wolf. You cant just give in so easily! If she's anything like me, then acting angry or bratty means "we need to fight to see who's going to come out on top"
You've got the right idea though, getting out your likes and dislikes out on paper. Its easy to see what was good or bad when its right there in front of you

Dont underestimate the power of the internet and internet articles on subbing/domming!

Also, its hilarious that you referred to yourself in the third person

subspace · Jul 14, 2010

Two great books:

BDSM 101
Screw the Roses...Send Me the Thorns

L8NightQ · Jul 14, 2010

Wolf -
Thanks for the feedback and background. Been watching your posts since the rope one. Glad you found her.
You have a pm from me. I have something for you.

I like subspace's recommendations - I haven't read B-101 (I think) but I do have StR and it's a great how to book for making all sorts of toys. It's a great book to have around and starts a lot of good conversations.

slp - I agree that you shouldn't discount internet guides. His phrasing led me to believe that he was reading "Dom guides".

Any book or reading reccomendations for my sub?

wolf123

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L8NightQ

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wolf123

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sillylittlepet

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subspace

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L8NightQ

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