Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by thinmint7, May 27, 2014.

  1. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Hey guys! I know it's been forever since I've been on- very naughy! ;) Just played a scene with a new sub for the first time and we have only know each other for a short time and I'm wondering the best way to check in is a day or so after play? It's unfortunately too far too be face to face but over the phone. Any advice would be fabulous!
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Welcome back!

    Good question. When I play with a new boy, I generally do a check-in the next day, just to make sure that no unexpected emotional issues have come up that the sub might be struggling with. Sounds like you're doing the same thing.

    I think to some extent it depends on how close you are to the sub in question. If you're already friends, you can probably just bring it up in the course of normal talk. But if you have only just met, and perhaps aren't sure if the sub wants to play again, I would do it as a text message or email. To the extent that you have a relationship, it's a power exchange one, but unless you're fairly sure the sub wants to continue being submissive to you, I think it's best to not push your dominance too far. So I tend to be lightly paternal, trying to demonstrate that I'm trustworthy, genuinely concerned with the sub's well-being, and not just being a control freak.

    So I typically send a text message that says something like "hey, boy. How are you doing? I just wanted to make sure that you're still ok with everything we did yesterday."

    The tricky thing with hook-ups is that it can be hard to gauge a new sub's reactions long distance. Some subs just want a no-strings play session, and they don't want continuing contact. These subs may not respond at all or may be very curt. "I'm fine, thanks." Obviously, that doesn't guarantee that they're fine, but if that's how they respond, I think doms need to be respectful and just accept that the sub has no interest in anything further.

    Some subs may respond that they're feeling depressed or ashamed or moody. That's an entirely normal response. They might be responding to the drop in endorphins, or they may be wrestling with the emotional implications of being submissive (or both). If this is an inexperienced sub, it's important to reassure them that this is not uncommon in new subs; it's not a sign that they're sick or defective or that every play session will produce these experiences. So if that's what the sub says, offer reassurance and then ask if s/he wants to talk about it. If s/he does, call or text or meet for coffee, but let the sub set the terms of the interaction. Your job here is not to be dominant (apart from supportive paternalism perhaps) but rather to help the sub make sense of what s/he is feeling.

    If s/he doesn't want to talk or meet, you might suggest that s/he have something comforting and sugary, like chocolate, chai, or coffee with milk and sugar. If the sub drop (which is the general term for negative feelings after play) is biochemical in nature, a little sugar may help the body replenish.

    Obviously, if the sub responds positively, and wants to play again, great! Set up a new time, or do some long-distance play or dirty talking or whatever. But don't shift back into dominant mode until the sub has in some way signaled that s/he's ready to be submissive again.
  3. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Awesome- Thank you so much for the advice, very helpful! She is a new playmate so it is very hard to guage her reactions.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    How did it go?
  5. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    It went really well- I was definately psyching myself out on it haha! Gave us an opportunity to swap pics of our bruises and marks. ;) I'm thinking I've got some weirdness to work out within the situation....
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  6. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    After a few days and after having talked I am feeling very insecure over the whole situation- my Master and I played with someone new (no sex but orgasm play for me). The immediate response was very positive but as I started to feel less confident in the others reaction I started second guessing the whole thing. I was hoping talking to the third party would help but it left me more confused. I'm wanting to explore my top side but am wondering if I feel so weird about it because I did not enjoy the prospect of topping. I think I do want to try again bc I initially enjoyed it- but any advice or anyone with similar experiences would be so helpful!
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm a little confused. What are you feeling unconfident about--your sub's reaction, or your skills during your play session?
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  8. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Sorry that was super unclear! A little of both, not sure where she is at which makes me second guess the situation. Since I don't know her well I can't guage the responses from her-all very vague.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's not uncommon for a new dom to feel a lack of confidence. Part of confidence comes from experience, and you don't have much experience as a dom yet. One of the things I do frequently, especially with a new sub, is during the aftercare, I ask as set of questions. 1) What was your favorite part of that scene? 2) What would you have wanted more of (or what could I have done that I didn't do)? 3) What could I have done better? Ask them one at a time, not all together--this isn't a questionnaire you're having the sub fill out.

    These three questions will help you get feedback on your skills in a way that is generally positive. The sub says what s/he liked best, which helps you figure out what you did right (cuz the sub wanted more of it) and helps you figure out the sub's tastes, which the second question also focuses on. Then you get some constructive criticism about something that maybe you didn't do so well.

    These questions can also help you get a sense of how the sub experienced the scene. Sometimes my slave will make a lot of noise when I'm beating him, so I think he'll say that the beating was the best part, but then he tells me that his favorite part was something completely different, something he didn't show any reaction to. How a dom experiences a scene and how a sub experiences it are very different things (as you might be learning, since you've subbed before), and understanding how a sub feels during a scene will make you a better dom. My mentor taught me by having me sub for him, and one thing I learned from being blindfolded is how important sound becomes to the sub. So I learned that once you blindfold a sub, you can do interesting things with sound. I have a paddle that mades a really awesome noise when it slides out of its case, and new subs always perk up when they hear it because they have no idea what that sound means, and it makes them nervous and excited.

    Does your sub know that this is your first time domming? If not, tell her. She has a right to know that you're a novice, and being a novice gives you some room to make mistakes. So ask her for helpful feedback.
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  10. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Yes she knew it was my first. Thanks for the advice it went well! She is hard to get talking but these helped open her up.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Good! I'm glad I could help.
  12. annamalia

    annamalia Member

    hello) nice avatar

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