advice on finding someone for a threesome...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by handcuff_freak, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. We are currently looking for a 3rd. Its Mistresses fantasy. She wants another girl. We just need some tips. We figure alt.com is the best place to look, but we are worried about getting an STD among a few other things.

    Has anyone else went this route to find a 3rd for a couple that has been married a few years? We are worried that is might be awkward instead of fun. Very nervous about trying it. anything that can help this feeling?

    I have been married 3yrs (We still feel and act like newly weds). I have heard that trying a threesome can cause jealousy, even in people that don't usually get jealous. Is this true? I don't want this to hurt our relationship in any way.

    We have just started discussing this. We are in no rush to try it. I know rushing into something like could be very bad.

    Just any tips would be helpful.
     
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  2. Martello

    Martello Member

    I've never, however honestly craig's list might be key here. I know that has ot be about the most willy nilly and unsafe place for anything as far as the internet goes but it can also work in your favor.

    I would say search personals as well as place one. explain what you are looking for and you're also requesting a blood test. That blood test request will I think make who is and is not serious more obvious.

    Beyond that, see if you can get involved with the local scene maybe and get to know a few ppl.
     
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Handcuff, just a few thoughts

    1) As concerns STDs, HIV is obviously the major concern here, because it's incurable and a serious threat to long-term health. Insist on knowing their status. You can certainly ask for a blood test, but honestly, most people will probably decide that playing with you is more trouble than it's worth if you're going to demand medical paperwork. In the gay community, people discuss their status quite commonly (many gay hook-up sites have a standard item for status right until height and weight). In the straight community, I suspect that knowing your status is much less common. Regardless of what they say their status is, use a condom for anal and vaginal sex (even if they're telling the truth, they may be wrong), and avoid anything that would cause bleeding. As long as you do that, the risk of transmission is so low as to not be worth worrying about.
    2) Fetlife and Craigslist are good places to look for a bi-female who wants to play kinky. Your local munch might be an option as well.
    3) When you find someone, after some initial email chat, your and your mistress should meet her for coffee and see how you feel about her. Spend some time just chatting about personal interests before you start talking about sex. In my experience, if the person you're meeting doesn't seem like someone that you might have some sort of casual friendship with, you probably don't want to have sex with them even if they're hot. Remember, you want to have fun with this woman, and if you don't feel some sort of mental or emotional connection, the physical connection will be mediocre at best.
    4) Jealousy is a common problem in a threeway. The 'standard' rule in a bdsm threeway is that the dom is allowed to have multiple subs, so in theory the sub is not supposed to be jealous. But in a perfect world we'd all be stunningly good-looking too. So have a honest conversation with your mistress about how you think you will feel seeing her with the other woman, and how she thinks she will feel seeing you with the other woman. As the dom, she can presumably stop you from doing anything she doesn't want you to do with the other woman, but you can't easily do the same (without breaking the scene, at least). Before you meet anyone, perhaps the two of you could do a cooperative fantasy in which you jointly tell the story of your threeway, with each of you describing what happens. Then discuss how that fantasy made you feel and if anything upset you in it. But don't let worries about jealousy prevent you from playing. Ask your mistress for a jealousy safeword. If, in the course of the scene, you start getting upset, you can use the safeword if you need it, and your mistress can take you out of the room and address your feelings. There's a sort of cliche that having a threeway can unleash feelings that will destroy your marriage. While not utterly impossible, it's unlikely to happen if your relationship is basically good and you communicate your feelings honestly. The worst that is likely to happen is that you play with the other woman, one of you feels more uncomfortable than you expected to, and afterward you two agree that this isn't for you so you don't do it again. More likely is that you both enjoy it to some degree and you can decide based on that whether you want to try it again or if it seems more trouble than it's worth. After you play with this women, do something that reaffirms your commitment to each other, something that reminds each of you that, while you had some fun with the other woman, she went home alone and you two stayed together because you have a deeper bond than anything that happened with the other woman.
     
  4. Boundperil

    Boundperil Member

    Having paid for Alt.com, I find it very unfriendly. Even as a paying member, you have to pay for features like "make sure they get your email" crap. I've never been successful there, I wish it worked like it was advertised too.

    I also think a lot of the people there don't want to pay for membership, so you are limited in contact.

    Craigslist could be an avenue, but I'm always afraid of some kind of scam.

    As far as the jealousy issue, I would try to make it with some one that is not a close friend, I know that hurt one of our relationships. We are still all friends, but it was....awkward. And it was a very mutual thing.

    To do it again, we want to meet someone, get to know them, then play.
     

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