Advice for new sub training

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by BlueEyedDom76, Apr 20, 2010.

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  1. BlueEyedDom76

    BlueEyedDom76 New Member

    I have met a sub on an alternative dating site and are close to moving into meeting. I want to be prepared for training her if everything does proceed as hoped. Our D/s preferences seem to match and the intention is to have a long term "modified" 24/7. This will be my first time training a 24/7, and the first time I have not had a prior vanilla relationship before moving to D/s.
    One question I have is, and I've pondered this since I first became a Dom, how much reward should there be during training? I like structured military-esque style training periods, and believe in the "break down then build up" concept, so I don't want to be too lavish during training. But I do want her to trust me, that when she performs to my expectations, she will be rewarded. I'm not sure how to attain that balance.
    Another one I have is about trust. Since we don't know each other that well, I don't know how to instill that required trust to place your body and will in another's hands without time. Like I said, previously, there had already been a level of trust accumulated, but we both want to start this relationship off in submission.
    Thanks for reading, and I will appreciate any wisdom you guys throw my way.
     
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I like to be rewarded with praise, being called a good girl means a lot to me
    She could be rewarded with being allowed to cum (if you're doing orgasm denial)

    I'm sure you know this already, but small tasks get small rewards and difficult tasks get wonderful rewards made of rainbows and ponies and nice things
     
  3. BlueEyedDom76

    BlueEyedDom76 New Member

    Thanks for the reply, silly

    yeah, I'm pretty good with rewards once things get rolling, I'm just not sure how much to reward during training. I've heard a lot of Doms say to use a 4:1 ratio of reward to punishment, but that seems a little high for her training time. I suppose I could lower that to 1:1 or even 1:2.
     
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  4. My question is this: why are you worried about punishing your submissive? The goal of training is to create and enhance a functional, mutually enjoyable relationship. If you're concentrating on how much to punish her, you're setting yourselves up for failure. If you spend all your time telling her she's doing things wrong, or beating on her. . . I don't know, maybe that works for some people, but I would up and walk away.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hi, IF! I was just wondering where you had gotten to.

    I think part of the issue here is that d/sers use 'discipline' and 'punish' in contradictory and confusing ways. For some, the two terms are synonyms that both express the use of pain and humiliation during d/s play. Others make a distinction between 'discipline', which is about improving a sub's skills and submission, and 'punish', which is about rebuking a sub's failures. To further complicate matters, pain and humiliation are sometimes used purely for pleasure and sometimes for punishment. The result is a good deal of confusion over the role that pain and humiliation play in d/s. When I first started reading about this stuff a few months ago, this problem confused me a good deal, and I still haven't really worked it out for myself. Just today I punished a boy for something by torturing his cock but later on in the session I tortured his cock purely for my enjoyment.
     
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  6. Hello Sebastian. I never really went anywhere.

    Anyone who knows me know I'm not a "typical" sub, I'm more of a pain in the ass =P Idk, maybe being beaten on and unappreciated works for some people but I just don't get that.

    Thoughts anyone?
     
  7. On how other subs view this, not me being a pain lol
     
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  8. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    I like getting punished!
    Well, okay this is hard to explain. I like getting punished, but I dont like always being punished.
     
  9. A lot of subs, myself included, will intentionally act out in order to get attention of a specific kind (playing right into the confusion Seb mentioned between pain in punishment vs. pleasure). Leading to the mentality of liking to be punished. The trick for the Dom is to know when the sub is acting out to seek attention, vs. an actual screw up deserving of punishment. Acting out for attention should be ignored as "punishing" in this instance will only reinforce the negative behavior. This can be difficult in a new relationship though as you're still getting to know each other as people, it will take time to know when she's truly just acting out for attention.

    Oh the flip side of this, I totally agree with IF. The most effective training for me has always been based on positive recognition and reward. That being said though, this method is not for everyone, or takes a slightly different approach on the part of the Dom. Something I suggest a lot of Doms look into is Pavlov's theory and the myriad of adaptations around it. I know of several Doms who very successfully use this in training their subs and the results can be quite entertaining as well.

    IF - If memory serves, you also tend to lean toward the DaddyDom/lilgirl dynamic of D/s. I think this also contributes to your viewpoint. DD/lg relationships are much more focused on positive reinforcement than punishment. And you're right, the ultimate goal of training is to "enhance a functional, mutually enjoyable relationship", but you have to keep in mind that what may be functional and mutually enjoyable to one set of people, may not be to another. As long as the Dom is mindful when breaking a sub not to do any permanent damage, and that they are responsible for "fixing what they break", it can be a perfectly reasonable way to do training.

    Something to keep in mind though...
    You dont know this girl particularly well. Something that may not cause a long term psychological impact to one sub, could have a very significant effect on her. You need to make sure that you really understand her past before attempting anything that will start the process of breaking her down. A suggestion to doing this would be to take some time doing simple things like a journal. Give her some tasks to write about her family history, and more importantly, her feelings around that history. Understand how she reacts to certain things, and more importantly WHY.

    Journals also have a second advantage beyond just giving you knowledge. They force her to sharpen her communication skills with you, as well as develop the trust needed to feel as though she truly can tell you anything. A HUGE HUGE HUGE thing with a journal. NOTHING in the journal that she admits to, be it disobedience, lies, feelings, ANYTHING, can be punished. The journal needs to be a "safe place" for her to share her most intimate and scary things with you without any fear. This will take time to develop the trust she can do this, but, this will be critical in the future and will give you greater insights into her as you go through other aspects of training.
     
  10. WmaGuy

    WmaGuy Member

    It's often difficult to put a 'guide' to something which is so diverse as the human condition. It seems to me, you're jumping the gun a bit and - to further burn a cliche - putting the cart before the horse. Before 'imposing your will', my suggestion would be to follow the advice posted here. Communication - especially in the dawn of a relationship and even more so, in the arena of BDSM, is the key to not only successful play, but a successful relationship....Good luck.

    Welcome back InnocentFacade....
     
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A sub can also be punished with a punishment that s/he really won't like. If your sub likes pain, spanking her will reward the bad behavior, but making her clean the toilet with a toothbrush may get her attention quite well. Deny her a privilege like watching her favorite tv show. If she's concerned about her appearance, require her to wear frumpy clothing for a week or forbid her to wear make-up or wash her hair. Punishment will only correct bad behavior if it involves something she really doesn't like; otherwise it may well encourage bad behavior.

    Also, be consistent. If you decide to punish a particular behavior, you have to punish it every time with a similar or increasingly strict punishment. If you start slacking off on the punishment, you will reduce her respect for your authority. And as others have said, reward the corresponding good behavior, even if it's only with praise.
     
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