A difficult sub

JettOnly · Dec 30, 2011

Just looking for a bit more advice here

My guy seems to be a whole lot more difficult just now.
After letting him out of his cage and letting him cum I gave him the option of a break (he is a switch) but he wanted to carry on as mine

I was planning putting him back in his cage at new year and have spent the past week or so giving him fun training like teaching him how to ruin his orgasms. Filling an ice cube tray of cum and other fun things

The other day I asked him to do some tasks for me and then let me know how he got on that evening

I didnt hear back from him till the following morning (with no report) he said he fell asleep. Which is fair enough - but I still felt I had to do something so I had him back in his cage as a reminder of me

Later that day I saw on his fetlife profile he had been posting on other ladies profiles at about 11:30 that evening
When I confronted him he said he wasnt on that late - so I left it

But I requested that he change his fetlife status to say that I own him - I figure if he is complimenting ladies images on there then it should be clear to everyone he is tied to me

He humed and haad, then finally asked how to change it - but he still hasnt

at the same time I wrote out his rules for this period in chastity
One of the main things was that any requests I make are followed out promptly and if he feels there is any reason he cannot obay he lets me know and I decide if he can be let off or he still has to do it
and also he has to keep his diary on fetlife for me to see

Last night I also alowed him to touch himself for the 1st time in 2 days
He messed up and orgasmed without permission (which I guess accidents happen - just surprised cos he did so well last time)
I had him lick it up, do his diary and told him again to change his profile

He did the other things but didnt change his profile

This morning he was asking if he could play, I said no because he haddnt finished his tasks from yesterday
I also added that on his fet he has to remove the 'looking for' bit because it still says he is looking for a sub/mistress/play partner/relationship

I am trying to get to the bottom of what is going on with him
all I can think is
1. he isnt taking it seriously
2. he has problems with following this bit because he is seeing someone else
3. he thinks I am not being hard enough on him and is trying to get punished

just wanted a bit of advice if anyone has been in a similar situation?
I dont particularly want to have to spend great deals of time managing him and having to think up loads of punishments - its kinda taking the fun out of it for me and as at the moment this is long distance I dont even know he is following the things I ask of him

I am not usualy a jelous person but I am getting to really doubt everything here

JettOnly · Dec 30, 2011

Just wanted to add
I managed to get him on the phone and have talked tru some of these issues

a big problem is he is very dislexic and struggles with computer things
and I have never been in a LDR let alone a BDSM one so I think I overreact to things a lot

It much easier to trust someone when you can hear the tone of their voice, better still if you can see the look in their eyes

Sorry for ranting

Exploring2dark · Dec 30, 2011

Tough one you are facing indeed!

IMO, you seem to be facing multiple hard hitting issues, first being the LDR. I understand them, and know that they do work out, just as the local ones do, but both fall to attrition, and the LDR is missing the immediate signs a localized one would be. The other being his "fetlife" thing he does (I take it that is some kind of facebook or myplace site?).. The fact his status shows open and he is hesitant about changing the matter to a status relating to your relationship, would lead me to believe maybe he is having some issues with the LDR and is in hopes of finding something closer. It could be for another reason as well, and I am taking a stab in the dark.

I do not believe you are over reacting.. You are going on instinct and intuition. I always trust mine as they have not been wrong. He does need to get down to the meat on the matter and start to communicate with you, completely!

Smallest · Dec 30, 2011

E2D- Fetlife is pretty much facebook+fetish, yes.

I think you need to strict up with him, Jett- take things away, more reward and more punishment, and if he hasn't stepped up and behaved better, consider dismissing him, as he's probably not taking it seriously, with you or as a sub.

ImperialConditioning · Dec 30, 2011

He humed and haad, then finally asked how to change it - but he still hasnt

This is all very odd, especially because you've given him instructions several times on this. Falling asleep has nothing to do with pleasing you, and neither does commenting on other women's profiles. If that's part of your arrangement then that's fine, but it sounds like you want it to be known that he is owned by you, and he's still trying to be seen as a single submissive looking for a Mistress. I try to make it very known that my wife is also my Mistress. She has debated the idea of loaning me out to serve other Mistresses, but that's her choice not mine. That's our arrangement and I never deviate from that.

JettOnly · Dec 30, 2011

Thank you again guys
I think I need to make sure I phone him more often. I think part of the problem is texting and saying he has done stuff its easy to doubt he has actually doing things
The difference is huge having him on the phone and hearing his voice when he was telling me about licking up his cum last night, no doubt he did it and he didnt enjoy it

We are both pretty new at this, and very new in a long distance relationship as well
He did take the stuff down from his account and said he has been trying to change his status but it isnt staying changed

I just have to try and make sure my rules are clear and not overreact.Smallest yup I will strict up

and I have lots of nice rewards for him too
ohh but they might make him all hard in his cage

poor boy!
E2D thank you it is nice to hear Im not totaly bonkers for struggling with this
Imp thanks, its nice to hear things from your side too. I guess we are no where near as far along as that and I know he has told me that in the past he has failed subbing as he kind of started freaking out, but he is enjoying it this time - I have gave him many options for a break but he wants to continue.

sebastian · Dec 30, 2011

If I remember correctly, this is the sub who cheated on you a little bit ago, right?. It sounds like you're trying to make things work with this boy, and he's not reciprocating. All fantasies aside, a dom cannot actually compel a sub to obey; the sub has to want to obey. And it sounds like he is not particularly serious, certainly not as serious as you are about the relationship.

So here's my advice, although I don't think you want to hear it. Call him and tell him that you think he's not committed to the relationship. Ask him if he wants to be released. If he says yes, release him and move on. If he says no, tell him that you will only continue with the relationship if he demonstrates real commitment to obeying you. Tell him that for the next week, you will expect him to obey all your commands, without hesitation or resistance, to the exact letter. Tell him that any hesitation, back talk, or failure to follow instructions exactly will be taken as lack of commitment and grounds for immediate dismissal. Then give him a set of commands that are very specific but not unreasonably hard--the point here is to test his commitment, not to set him up to fail. If at any point he screws up, dismiss him. If he's actually serious about things, dismissing him will hopefully show him that you're serious, that he needs to work at being obedient, and will put him in a situation where he needs to beg you to take him back. If he's satisfied you after a week, give him another week of probation for good measure.

I know you have feelings for this guy, and dismissing him is the last thing you want to do. But it really doesn't seem like he's serious about this relationship, and you need to find out if he's serious.

sebastian · Dec 30, 2011

Oh, also, take a look at the FAQ post that discusses the difference between discipline and punishment. I think you need to be really clear on the difference. When you say 'he might want punishment', what you're probably meaning is that he wants some fun play. So give him discipline. Actual punishment is something to do to show him that you're seriously displeased with his behavior. You don't want him acting out to get punishment.

JettOnly · Dec 30, 2011

Sebastian, No he didnt cheat on me
But yes I have been pretty serious in my phone call. I will leave it as it is over new year and if I dont feel he is doing good i will follow tru with your idea - it is similar to what I was thinking of anyway - so thankyou

and yes I know and totaly agree with what you mean - no way was I going to give him something he would like

But yup what I was meaning was I was wondering if he was acting up because he enjoys being treated more firmly
To be honest I am not enjoying the idea of having to do punishments at all (which I know they are not supposed to be something I enjoy anyway) I dont mind enforcing forgetfulness or something natural and human, but really I enjoy the idea of someone obaying me because they choose to and because it is rewarding for them to do so - not because of fear of a punishemnt

ImperialConditioning · Dec 30, 2011

You're welcome! There's nothing wrong with being new, we've all been there, and this is likely where his hesitations are coming from. As long as you're both safe, having fun, and nobody's feelings are getting hurt then it's a good experience.

A difficult sub

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