A difficult sub

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by JettOnly, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Just looking for a bit more advice here

    My guy seems to be a whole lot more difficult just now.
    After letting him out of his cage and letting him cum I gave him the option of a break (he is a switch) but he wanted to carry on as mine

    I was planning putting him back in his cage at new year and have spent the past week or so giving him fun training like teaching him how to ruin his orgasms. Filling an ice cube tray of cum and other fun things

    The other day I asked him to do some tasks for me and then let me know how he got on that evening

    I didnt hear back from him till the following morning (with no report) he said he fell asleep. Which is fair enough - but I still felt I had to do something so I had him back in his cage as a reminder of me

    Later that day I saw on his fetlife profile he had been posting on other ladies profiles at about 11:30 that evening
    When I confronted him he said he wasnt on that late - so I left it

    But I requested that he change his fetlife status to say that I own him - I figure if he is complimenting ladies images on there then it should be clear to everyone he is tied to me

    He humed and haad, then finally asked how to change it - but he still hasnt

    at the same time I wrote out his rules for this period in chastity
    One of the main things was that any requests I make are followed out promptly and if he feels there is any reason he cannot obay he lets me know and I decide if he can be let off or he still has to do it
    and also he has to keep his diary on fetlife for me to see

    Last night I also alowed him to touch himself for the 1st time in 2 days
    He messed up and orgasmed without permission (which I guess accidents happen - just surprised cos he did so well last time)
    I had him lick it up, do his diary and told him again to change his profile

    He did the other things but didnt change his profile

    This morning he was asking if he could play, I said no because he haddnt finished his tasks from yesterday
    I also added that on his fet he has to remove the 'looking for' bit because it still says he is looking for a sub/mistress/play partner/relationship

    I am trying to get to the bottom of what is going on with him
    all I can think is
    1. he isnt taking it seriously
    2. he has problems with following this bit because he is seeing someone else
    3. he thinks I am not being hard enough on him and is trying to get punished

    just wanted a bit of advice if anyone has been in a similar situation?
    I dont particularly want to have to spend great deals of time managing him and having to think up loads of punishments - its kinda taking the fun out of it for me and as at the moment this is long distance I dont even know he is following the things I ask of him

    I am not usualy a jelous person but I am getting to really doubt everything here
  2. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Just wanted to add
    I managed to get him on the phone and have talked tru some of these issues

    a big problem is he is very dislexic and struggles with computer things
    and I have never been in a LDR let alone a BDSM one so I think I overreact to things a lot

    It much easier to trust someone when you can hear the tone of their voice, better still if you can see the look in their eyes

    Sorry for ranting

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    Tough one you are facing indeed!

    IMO, you seem to be facing multiple hard hitting issues, first being the LDR. I understand them, and know that they do work out, just as the local ones do, but both fall to attrition, and the LDR is missing the immediate signs a localized one would be. The other being his "fetlife" thing he does (I take it that is some kind of facebook or myplace site?).. The fact his status shows open and he is hesitant about changing the matter to a status relating to your relationship, would lead me to believe maybe he is having some issues with the LDR and is in hopes of finding something closer. It could be for another reason as well, and I am taking a stab in the dark.

    I do not believe you are over reacting.. You are going on instinct and intuition. I always trust mine as they have not been wrong. He does need to get down to the meat on the matter and start to communicate with you, completely!
  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    E2D- Fetlife is pretty much facebook+fetish, yes.

    I think you need to strict up with him, Jett- take things away, more reward and more punishment, and if he hasn't stepped up and behaved better, consider dismissing him, as he's probably not taking it seriously, with you or as a sub.

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    This is all very odd, especially because you've given him instructions several times on this. Falling asleep has nothing to do with pleasing you, and neither does commenting on other women's profiles. If that's part of your arrangement then that's fine, but it sounds like you want it to be known that he is owned by you, and he's still trying to be seen as a single submissive looking for a Mistress. I try to make it very known that my wife is also my Mistress. She has debated the idea of loaning me out to serve other Mistresses, but that's her choice not mine. That's our arrangement and I never deviate from that.
  6. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thank you again guys
    I think I need to make sure I phone him more often. I think part of the problem is texting and saying he has done stuff its easy to doubt he has actually doing things
    The difference is huge having him on the phone and hearing his voice when he was telling me about licking up his cum last night, no doubt he did it and he didnt enjoy it

    We are both pretty new at this, and very new in a long distance relationship as well
    He did take the stuff down from his account and said he has been trying to change his status but it isnt staying changed

    I just have to try and make sure my rules are clear and not overreact.Smallest yup I will strict up :) and I have lots of nice rewards for him too
    ohh but they might make him all hard in his cage :) poor boy!
    E2D thank you it is nice to hear Im not totaly bonkers for struggling with this
    Imp thanks, its nice to hear things from your side too. I guess we are no where near as far along as that and I know he has told me that in the past he has failed subbing as he kind of started freaking out, but he is enjoying it this time - I have gave him many options for a break but he wants to continue.
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    If I remember correctly, this is the sub who cheated on you a little bit ago, right?. It sounds like you're trying to make things work with this boy, and he's not reciprocating. All fantasies aside, a dom cannot actually compel a sub to obey; the sub has to want to obey. And it sounds like he is not particularly serious, certainly not as serious as you are about the relationship.

    So here's my advice, although I don't think you want to hear it. Call him and tell him that you think he's not committed to the relationship. Ask him if he wants to be released. If he says yes, release him and move on. If he says no, tell him that you will only continue with the relationship if he demonstrates real commitment to obeying you. Tell him that for the next week, you will expect him to obey all your commands, without hesitation or resistance, to the exact letter. Tell him that any hesitation, back talk, or failure to follow instructions exactly will be taken as lack of commitment and grounds for immediate dismissal. Then give him a set of commands that are very specific but not unreasonably hard--the point here is to test his commitment, not to set him up to fail. If at any point he screws up, dismiss him. If he's actually serious about things, dismissing him will hopefully show him that you're serious, that he needs to work at being obedient, and will put him in a situation where he needs to beg you to take him back. If he's satisfied you after a week, give him another week of probation for good measure.

    I know you have feelings for this guy, and dismissing him is the last thing you want to do. But it really doesn't seem like he's serious about this relationship, and you need to find out if he's serious.
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Oh, also, take a look at the FAQ post that discusses the difference between discipline and punishment. I think you need to be really clear on the difference. When you say 'he might want punishment', what you're probably meaning is that he wants some fun play. So give him discipline. Actual punishment is something to do to show him that you're seriously displeased with his behavior. You don't want him acting out to get punishment.
  9. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Sebastian, No he didnt cheat on me
    But yes I have been pretty serious in my phone call. I will leave it as it is over new year and if I dont feel he is doing good i will follow tru with your idea - it is similar to what I was thinking of anyway - so thankyou

    and yes I know and totaly agree with what you mean - no way was I going to give him something he would like :D But yup what I was meaning was I was wondering if he was acting up because he enjoys being treated more firmly
    To be honest I am not enjoying the idea of having to do punishments at all (which I know they are not supposed to be something I enjoy anyway) I dont mind enforcing forgetfulness or something natural and human, but really I enjoy the idea of someone obaying me because they choose to and because it is rewarding for them to do so - not because of fear of a punishemnt

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    You're welcome! There's nothing wrong with being new, we've all been there, and this is likely where his hesitations are coming from. As long as you're both safe, having fun, and nobody's feelings are getting hurt then it's a good experience.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Jett, I must have confused you with someone else who posted recently. Sorry.

    If you think he's serious, talk to him about why he's neglecting your instructions. Point out his pattern of lapses and ask him what he thinks is causing them. Maybe your instructions aren't clear. Maybe he's not sure he want to be a slave. Maybe he's wanting an open relationship. Maybe he need some protocols that help him stay focused. Ask him if he has ideas about how to fix things.

    Do you two have any equal time? By that, I mean a set time when you two talk as equals about what is and isn't working in your power exchange. Maybe set aside a half hour each week or each month in which you are both free to step outside your assigned roles and talk. Every new bdsm couple should do that, at least until they find their groove.
  12. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    He is really a switch and I am most likely a confused sub lol
    So up until this little chastity stint we mainly had free time, only really in role when playing

    But obviously he was more in role in his 10 days in chastity
    - it is deff something we will have to work out more tho as to proper boundries between play and normal - but at the start of any time either one of us can say we dont wanna play
    and most of the times we have been chatting it hasnt been in roll, I will work on putting something more rigid inplace

    I should be seeing him in Jan and I was planning ending his chastity time then and chatting about where we wanted to go from there
    because we need a long chat before I try being a sub again anyways!
  13. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Oh well turns out I was right to have big red flags. He was cheeting on me, and no doubt lying about even being in chastity

    I thought it was too much to believe someone to go from 3 times a day to 10 days in a metal cage with no problems what so ever!
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Sorry to hear it, Jett. BDSM requires a lot of trust, and it really sucks when one person violates that trust. What are you going to do?
  15. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    Thank you guys
    Seb, not much I can do
    Obviously I had my doubts and last week I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said no
    I found out because the girl posted snuggly photos of them at New years when he told me he was going away with a group of friends
    I phoned him and he denied it
    I pressed harder and he just hung up the phone and deleted me from facebook

    I remembered the name of the girl and mailed her, thought it only fair

    Also on his fetlife I messaged a girl I had my doubts about too, as it is a fettish site I also warned her about playing with him (he is the inital dom I joined here about, who pushed me way to hard with no notice I was to deep in a bad subspace to be able to safeword, scene after scene with no aftercare and no discussions about what worked and what didn't and zero aftercare, then unable to phone me when I was in horrible subdrop, turns out it was cos he was too busy arranging to meet the other lady)
    This girl I messaged has no intention of playing with him, says he creeps her out
    And odd coincidence, when I was there at one point in the day he was online chatting to someone, it turned out to be this girl, he said he had a sub there and she told him he should be paying attention to me

    Anyway she is concerned enough the she is going to speak to his area group leaders in the bdsm scene in his area

    I checked inside myself if this was just revenge for a woman scorned, I really think that's not the case, I feel concerened that he is doing this to other new people
    I don't think he is a sub or a dom, just someone with issues looking for some easy uncaring sex

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