New to BDSM

[arielove123]

Hello, I'd like to first off introduce myself- my name is Arie.
I am 18 years old and interested in becoming a sub/slave.

I have read many articles about the lifestyle, short erotica stories, and have talked to some people in the lifestyle and it sounds like it is exactly what I want in life.

I would love to hear from subs/slaves what your everyday lives are like, how the normal days go, how you feel doing everything you do, etc. If there was anything you wish you knew before adopting the lifestyle, I'd love to hear that too.

Another thing- I have a boyfriend. However, he is very vanilla. I have told him before that I want to be his slave but he said he did not even want to think about something like that. Maybe he took it the wrong way..
I love him very much and he is a great guy, but quite frankly, the idea of forever being in a strictly vanilla relationship scares me.
Ever since I learned about BDSM, I have been researching it online and buying books and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, I am asking you all for some advice. It will be nice to talk to you all about this.
Arie.

[Dom-me]

Hi Ariel,

Welcome to the site. I'm new myself but am getting so much out this place, I'm sure u will too.

I'm a sub type also and like you, havent been able to really explore my submissiveness to the full with being with a woman who was very vanilla - even though i've had a strong interest for over a decade.

One thing you will find if you continue with your boyfriend, as I did my relationship, is that you will get very frustrated if he is not going to fulfill you in every area you want - so much that you may come to a point of regret. His reluctance may be due to improper education also. A lot of people seem to immediately think us subs are into pain and torture, when that is really only a part of the sub community that enjoy that lifestyle. Maybe you could sit with him one day and explain what u would like and reassure him that its not all about pain and torure but about loss of control and dominance/ownership. Maybe even point him to this site so he can read what other subs are saying they enjoy and teach him that it can be REALLY FUN!

As for myself, I'm currently looking for a Domme (pretty sure I may have been lucky enough to find one finally!), so that I can actually start living the lifestyle I need to feel whole with a woman who also enjoys it... she's new herself, so I'm looking forward to exploring with her and learning with her all the fun we can have!

[L8NightQ]

Welcome Ariel -

You may have been given him a little bit to much with that request, and no telling what picture he had in his head when you asked him.
Since you seem to really care about him, give him the patience he will need to find out if he is cut out for this.
I suggest that you just tell him that you'd like him to spank you. Hold your hands behind your back when he does, then tell him you'll be a good girl... and do everything he loves you to do, and then some (make it about him). If it goes the way I think it will, he may well want to spank you again very soon. Watch some videos together or read some stories aloud and talk about what turns you on. After that it's step by step.

The law of progressive excesses says that whatever really turns you on will fade after a while and require a little more kick or kink to it to give you the same thrill.
So if a little thing turned him on, soon he'll want more. Just remember that you've had a lot more experience than him.... Even if only in your own mind (you know what I mean). So be patient.

Also - not everyone is cut out for this. Those who know tend to know very early in life.

You can live a happy life with a vanilla, but you'll probably require some private(alone) time of your own.

None of us can really control who or what we are attracted to.
All of us have control over what we do about it.


Good luck.

[sebastian]

Ariel, welcome to the site. Keep in mind that if your boyfriend is vanilla, he probably thinks that bdsm involves people being cruel to people they don't like. He doesn't realize that the treatment you crave from him is about him expressing his love in a way that meets your needs. So you'll need to help him understand that spanking you or whatever isn't about being cruel or angry or hateful to you. The advice to start small with something like spanking is a good idea. Lots of fairly vanilla guys can get into spanking. Or you could have him tie your hands with a silk scarf or something innocuous like that or blindfold you. If he enjoys that sort of thing, he might progress into bdsm. If he really doesn't enjoy it, he may simply be vanilla. Good luck.

[kittengrey]

I have to agree and rebring up the fact of it will get frustrating if you don't fulfill your submissive cravings. My ex was a sub, and so was I. She tried domming me, but she really just was not cutting it. I let it build up and got so frustrated with her that I snapped and actually started strangling her. After it happened, I broke up with her, cuz I realized that it was just a dangerous situation and that I couldn't let that build up again, and with her I wasn't going to be able to get my submissive release. But yeah, take it slow, try easing your boyfriend into it, as the others said, and if he just don't like it, you're going to have to find someone who can help you fulfill your submissive desires.

[sebastian]

From my own experiences, it is possible to have a successful relationship with someone who's vanilla. It involves a lot of sacrifice and compromise. You basically have to accept that your sex life will not be the most satisfying part of your relationship. But if the other parts of the relationship are good enough to make the sacrifice worth it, it can be done.

[kittengrey]

Sebastian, although it is possible, its not recommended. Plus, submission can go far beyond sexual fantasies, as many of us may know. The thing is that by just accepting the relationship as vanilla is not just sacrificing a fulfilled sex life, its denying yourself release of a deeper part of you. Me and my ex had a pretty damn good relationship, and I loved her to death, but I was denying myself the release of being a slave, and it put us both in a dangerous situation.

[Santuary Freak]

think her name was Arie, not Ariel.

[arielove123]

thank you all for all of your time and advice, it is all very helpful! i have spent a lot of time reading many articles and books and the more i know the more i crave. i love learning and curiousity is definitely killing this cat. i dont know how much he is cut out for, as much as we have sex, we dont really talk about it and i am quite the shy one. i just need to build up some courage LOL. but really, thank you guys so much

[TerribleT]

Seems like so many people are uncomfortable and even unable of thinking about BDSM. My brother in law had this beautiful girlfriend for a while. She wanted to handcuff him and he wouldn't let her do it. Their relationship ended soon after. Stupid stupid stupid!

I thought my own relationship was going to be a prison of boring vanillaness but I was able to convert my uptight wife (I patiently coaxed her out). She's still unable to discuss BDSM and denies that she's a sadist (she totally is). My position is and has always been "I'm a masochist and thank you for indulging me". That way, she doesn't feel the guilt and self loathing all us perves must live with .......NOT!!
I actually get a big kick out of it. I love her very much, I'm overjoyed to be able enable her this way.

I'm on a pretty high dose of strong pain killers so it's hard for me to get my thoughts typed out. I would suggest you follow Sebastians excellent advice with this in mind; People are terrified by kinky sex. Even big brave people. They think it's a disease or something.

Don't give up yet. Good luck

[sebastian]

Terrible, I think it's important to realize that for some people, being tied up is genuinely distressing. For example, I like mild bondage, where there's some room to move and a sense that I might be able to get out eventually. If the bondage gets too tight, I start to become physically uncomfortable. But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me). Once I start worrying about that, the only way I can manage the anxiety is to get extremely analytical. That suppresses my anxiety, but it also keeps me from enjoying the experience sexually. This is why I'm a dom and not a sub (that, and the fact that I kept trying to tell the guy who's tied me up what I want him to do next).

So what a sub perceives as so pleasurable that everyone would enjoy it if they just let themselves, a non-sub can experience as frightening, upsetting, or just uncomfortable. Trust me--I have a hard time understanding why every man doesn't have sex with other men.

[Hopehavoc]

Originally Posted by sebastian

But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me)..

Oh, Sebastian, that's not irrational. It just means you read Gerald's Game one too many times. Jk.

[sebastian]

Actually, I've never read Gerald's Game. But I remember being impressed by the idea of the novel when it came out. But yeah--my mind goes very quickly to the things that can go wrong in a situation.

[Hopehavoc]

I would recommend that anyone who enjoys tying up or being tied up read that book just as a precaution to always have some sort of safety release mechanism. Even if it's a knife somewhere within reach...I'm paranoid about that kind of thing as well.

[TerribleT]

Originally Posted by sebastian

Terrible, I think it's important to realize that for some people, being tied up is genuinely distressing. For example, I like mild bondage, where there's some room to move and a sense that I might be able to get out eventually. If the bondage gets too tight, I start to become physically uncomfortable. But even more, I start to worry about how I will get out if something happens to the guy who's tying me up (like if he has a heart attack and dies--irrational, I know, but it immediately occurs to me). Once I start worrying about that, the only way I can manage the anxiety is to get extremely analytical. That suppresses my anxiety, but it also keeps me from enjoying the experience sexually. This is why I'm a dom and not a sub (that, and the fact that I kept trying to tell the guy who's tied me up what I want him to do next).

So what a sub perceives as so pleasurable that everyone would enjoy it if they just let themselves, a non-sub can experience as frightening, upsetting, or just uncomfortable. Trust me--I have a hard time understanding why every man doesn't have sex with other men.

You're right. I forget not every one is like me. What I notice though, is that people in general are pretty open about sex....until you start talking about BDSM. I'd suspect many or even most vanilla couples have experimented (or will at some point) with mild bondage. I read somewhere that the best seller at the knick-knack shops at Niagara Falls is fuzzy handcuffs. But talking about dom/sub relationships or S&M is taboo.
Is it that big a leap? I mean, common sense says you dabble first right?

What Worked for me was being honest. "I like this" (something specific....not lots of details, or a generalization). She tried it....for me. I could tell she liked it so I asked for a little more. Id say to the OP, you could feel it out this way. Like Sebastian suggested about the scarf. That's pretty benign. Your boyfriend sees that stuff in the movies all the time.....perfectly normal!

Good luck